The Sparklegash story began with the illegal purchase of a mobile phone in the Trafalgar Bar in Leith. The buyer was a young performance poet and part-time taxi driver called Raymond McDalgety, aka Atroshiz. He needed the phone for an art project, for which he intended to text pornographic text messages to strangers at random.
It was only when searching the phone's address book for obscene content that Atroshiz realised it belonged to MC ZPD Duda of Polski Smak, an underground techno crack collective known worldwide as pioneers of the animal rave fuck scene. MC Duda's phone had gone missing three years previously, and its contents had passed into Scottish musical legend. It was said to contain MP3 files of Polski Smak's second album, Cowpusher, recorded on a week-long MDMA bender in a cottage in Aberfeldy. The story goes that Polski Smak partied so hard that week that the cottage eventually collapsed while three members of the band were attempting to dig a tunnel to Iceland, using little more than basic kitchen utensils. Duda decided that Cowpusher was cursed. He was last seen boarding a ferry to Arran, and was never heard of again.
Atroshiz realised he had stumbled across a goldmine of creativity However, three days later a threatening note appeared through his letterbox from one of Edinburgh's most feared gang lords, Lord Gang, demanding that he return the phone immediately or have his legs removed with plyers (sic). The note was intended to scare the cunting dick shit out of Atroshiz, but Atroshiz realised that he recognised the handwriting. It was none other than that of Vikki Wine AKA Finger, a former classmate with whom Atroshiz had spent many happy hours creating beats and breaks before the two lost touch after an unfortunate argument over biscuits.
Meanwhile, Fang and Bucket, two burlesque performers from Hameldaemie, were trying to break into the world of underground techno crack, and had moved to Edinburgh hoping for a big break. One weekend they were dancing at one of the Voodoo Rooms' regular Friday night coke orgies, when they heard a tune that changed their life forever. It was none other than the first fruits of a rekindled creative partnership between Atroshiz and Finger, combining the duo's best ideas with the fruits of Polski Smak's legendary drug binge beatbox jams.
Fang and Bucket rushed to confront Atroshiz and Finger in the DJ booth. 'What is that you're playing?' They said. 'It was a total load of SHIT.'
'Oh,' said Atroshiz.
'But we know how to make it better," they added.
"How?" said Atroshiz, astonished at their brazen confidence and confident brassieres.
"What you need to do," said Fang and Bucket, "is take out all the stoner bollocks, randomly throw in every single sample on the entire internet and then chuck in some banjo. And a noise that sounds a bit like a dinosaur. And some dog samples."
"That's dope," said Finger. "Let's team up and scale the heights of sound."
And thus, the sonic miracle that is Sparklegash was birthed.
Sparklegash are currently working on their debut album, which has the working title We Are Much More Talented Than You, You Cunting Frauds.
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