I live in Los Angeles. The lady that hangs out on the corner of La Brea and Olympic and yells at stop signs is my best friend. She thinks that Dagwood Bumstead has sold out to Wal Mart, and I have a tendency to agree.
I went to Macy's with some friends and asked the lady at the underwear
counter if they sell adult-sized spiderman under-roos. She didn't find it
funny, and eventually shot me in the face with pepper spray, because I
couldn't stop staring at her bosom.
I find the fact that monkeys and robots are always fighting funny,
but I realize, that humans lose no matter who wins. No one seemed to like
my screenplay about a female lawyer who fights crazed midgets at night,
and I resolved that no one saw the intellectual subtext.
I think that Stephen Hawking is brilliant, but I secretly want to
challenge him to a steel cage match, in order to establish my superiority.
I find quantum theory hilarious, but "The Apprentice" strangely disturbing.
I can't figure out why dairy and bread made the food group list, but
Southern Comfort did not.
I used to think that I could move things by using my mind, but
then the second Star Wars series came out, and I realized that jedi are
just some actors that did too many artsy films in a row, and need to make some quick cash.
I can't understand why my girlfriend won't watch SportsCenter,
but when she had me sit through Gilmore Girls, understanding dawned. I have watched as hair begins to grow in strange places, and wonder why I can't
grow more nipples instead.
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