About Me
Little Kyle Hockensmith was born a very small 0-year old child on April 30th once. He was really tiny. He had a cute head and a soft button nose. He was wiggly. He liked breathing air. He was really, really cute and he had a mom that was a cute little blonde lady and a dad that had a big black beard. Sometimes they would take pictures of little Kyle Hockensmith because they thought he was so cute and they wanted to look at photographs of him being little someday when he was big. Little Kyle Hockensmith had blonde hair. Sometimes he sang songs about being happy and other things like that. His voice was really cute, just like his eyebrows. Little Kyle's daddy was an artist. He was a very good artist named Picasso Hockensmith. He never signed any of his paintings with his real last name so that no one would be able to find his unlisted phone number. Instead, he gave most of his artwork to his friend Pablo in France. So Little Kyle Hockensmith learned how to draw. He had crayons. Eventually he would learn to use Paint and other neat things to make art creations. When Little Kyle was in seventh grade he wore striped Gotcha? shirts and shorts and he learned how to skateboard. He could even ride his skateboard without falling off sometimes! He was really happy about that. One day, Little Kyle Hockensmith became Medium Kyle Hockensmith. Medium Kyle Hockensmith was pretty nice. One time, Medium Kyle Hockensmith kissed a real girl! His brother was there. He made Medium Kyle Hockensmith kiss a real girl so that he would not be a weirdo. Medium Kyle Hockensmith decided that he was going to be cool one day. He learned how to play the piano one summer. Then he went to his high school and started talking to people. He wore really nice shirts that had vivid colors all over them. Eventually, Medium Kyle Hockensmith got his heart broken once, twice, three times a lady. This made him pretty bitter. But he was still real nice. Medium Kyle Hockensmith was becoming Kyle Hockensmith, the Man. He played the squaw music like a fiend and danced around and did things and went to places. Kyle Hockensmith, the Man was pretty frickin' cool. Soon, Kyle Hockensmith, the Man met his best friend, Zach Bowles. Zach Bowles was not his brother, although he desperately wanted to be. Repeat: Zach Bowles is not Kyle's brother. Zach Bowles was famous for doing amazing stunts on BMX bikes and for being an international playboy with gobs and gobs of money that he earned during a stint as a lion tamer. Kyle Hockensmith, the Man thought that was really neat, and totally wanted to be friends with him. So Zach proceeded to change Kyle Hockensmith, the Man's life. It was a beautiful thing. Then Kyle Hockensmith, the Man went to go see Reel Big Fish perform beautiful music. He had never been so excited in his life. They were his favorite! Kyle Hockensmith, the Man liked to eat taquitos. They were sooooooo yummy. Then Kyle Hockensmith, the Man kept playing the piano and began to play the drums. He dressed real nice. One day, he met Steve Borth II, Sax player of the greatest rock band ever to exist, RX Bandits! Kyle Hockensmith, the Man would often shop with his drummer friend Carlos de la Awesome and Zach Bowles, god of koknballz, while sipping on men's-style coffee drinks and eating sushi. Kyle Hockensmith, the Mans wonderful, beautiful, and perfect Girlfriend, Amanda Saner, the Woman, loves sushi more than Kyle Hockensmith, the Man, but Kyle Hockensmith, the Man is in LOVE with Amanda Saner, the Woman. Kyle Hockensmith, the Man continued to keep busy fending off nominations for the U.S. Presidency and the screams and shouts of crazed, psychotic gerbil fans. Oh yeah, he made some records and stuff. Kyle Hockensmith, the Man, was really happy. He likes the Backstreet Boys.
