I try to be the type of person you wouldn't want to punch.
I am pale, pasty and sometimes, when the sun hits me just right, I am translucent. Being from an Irish Catholic background is superb. Well, superb if your definition of a superb feeling is guilt, shame, and just a smidgen of paranoia hanging close by. Don't even get me started on the
collection baskets.
I am deaf in one ear thanks to a misplaced floor being 10 feet below where I fell from. It's not as bad as you think. Just think of how great it is when you wake up in the morning to the sound of a screaming alarm that you can simply roll over onto your good ear and sleep soundly for another couple hours.
Plus, I save a shitload of money on stereo equipment. I buy everything in mono. I consider myself monolithic. My yearbook quote was "What?!"
My girlfriend laughs at all my terrible jokes and makes me think I'm funnier than I actually am. She is funnier than she thinks she is. I know this but I don't think she does. Funny, don't you think? No? Fair enough. Moving on.
I swear a lot. Some people say that people swear when they have nothing else to say but I think it's quite the opposite. I love using swears in new and interesting contexts.
Swearing has become so commonplace these days that it's now more offensive to call someone by a swear substitute. (see: Dink)
I don't consciously believe in God but, subsconsciously, I must. It's the only explanation I can come up with as to why I always try to do what's right. Of course, the more I try to do the right thing, the more I realize that no good deed goes unpunished. This then brings me full circle and reaffirms my belief that God is a fictional character put in place to control people through fear. I am God fearing and, if he is real, he should fear me because we will be engaging in fisticuffs when we meet. Bell's Palsy left me looking like Popeye....only far less cool and pipeless.
I am often mistaken as a newsie from the Great Depression or told that I have the look of a mischievous hotel bellhop. Someday I will launch my acting career in this small niche market.
I daydream about the whimsically impossible and I nightmare about stark reality. I dwell upon my failures and I'm oblivious to my successes.
