kevin

I suppose it all started some time ago. You know, you look in the mirror and notice hair growing out of your ears, nose, and oh, that bushy eyebrow. Yet, it is not just the hair growing from strange places that you notice but also that life was passing me by. It was time to hang up my super hero underwear, quit playing with Legos, and find a way to look busy.
First thing first, I had to move out of my parents’ basement. This was not going to be easy. I had been free-loading off them for years. It had gone on long enough, and I think they were beginning to catch on anyway. It started with “can you please do your dishes after microwaving your meals” and had escalated all the way up to me doing my own laundry. I mean come on, I know I’m a bit of a slacker but I know one thing for certain; I don’t do housekeeping.
I knew of a spot out in the woods where I could set up camp. I figured I would head out there, eat psychedelics, and have me a vision quest of sorts. You know like the Indians used to do before they were kicked off their land and eventually confined to live in tiny fenced-off areas. Since I do not have a car of my own, and my mom said that I couldn’t borrow hers, I was stuck with the extra family car that my father used for his little projects around the house. I hated this car -- it lacked style, coolness, and air conditioning.
I loaded up the 1985 Ford Astro Minivan with what little stuff was mine. I also cleaned out my parents’ CD collection, jewelry that had not been worn in years, and a couple bottles of fine wine. I was figuring I could sell this stuff off for gas money and beer. I was off to the woods to begin my new life.
I spent the better part of two years in the woods, from what I am told. When I finally came to, I had a bit of headache, and had been managing a small shopping plaza that was nearly bankrupt because a Wal-Mart was built in the same area. Apparently, I took some strange new type of acid and that, combined with the peyote buttons that were a regular part of my diet, chemically combined in my brain and cause me to settle down and live a life of mediocrity.
What a strange trip…I remember almost everything when I was living in the woods. Just like college, my goal for a ‘vision quest’ was merely a great excuse to get blasted all time. I do, yes I do, remember seeing all the sounds, smelling the colors, and generally just getting high. I was having a great time with no responsibilities and no one to tell me to do the stupid dishes or my dirty laundry.
I remember everything…then one day I finally had my vision quest. You know, the part when you meet your animal self and chat a while. It was just like any other day I had become accustomed to in the woods. As I was washing down my first dose of peyote buttons it happened. A lone gopher (yes my animal guide was a fucking gofer) came up to me and showed me ten tiny seeds in his paw. The gopher then began to explain the medicinal properties of the seeds in its paw. I was pretty blasted and admit that I wasn’t really listening until he said these words “take ye miniscule seed with caution or the outcome could give you a strange tossing.” I looked him right in the eye and said “don’t tread that hippie gopher philosophy crap on me, bro. I ain’t no tree-huggin’, ass-sniffin’, hole-diggin’, grass-eatin’ woodland creature.”
After swallowing them whole and washing them down with a few more peyote buttons, everything became kinda’ blurry, then went black. So now here I am managing the ‘Fleurs du Printemps’ shopping plaza. I have come to understand that I have worked here for almost two years, and to my surprise, I am decent employee.
Since I have come to, realized my situation and the normality of my life, I have once again decided to change it all. My days managing a failing shopping plaza are numbered. Apparently, I have not been stoned in more then a year. I have to find my gopher, but he will guide the way.