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Average time in minutes per day Matt spends discussing the finer art of lunch selection and chair swinging 58 Number of time Matt mentioned the words ‘four seasons’ and ‘gortex’ on DofE expeditions 46 Total number of fights had with other students 0 Total number of scraps had with other students 326 When sitting on a chair total number of legs touching the ground at any one time 2 Total number of days Matt lasted in top set maths 249 Total number of arguments/ disagreements/spats Matt has had with the Senior Management Team 8 Total amount in litres of tea Matt has drunk at rock solid 1,377 Percentage of aforementioned tea that actually ends up in Matt’s mouth 32 Total amounts of violent assaults Matt has made on Mr Binks whilst attending table tennis 1 Total amount of violent assaults Mr Binks has made on Matt whilst attending table tennis 1 Percentage of pool games between Matt and Will in which the black ball successfully remains the last ball on the table 4 Total number of times Matt has been bare-assed 241 Total bottles of Bier de Flanders drunk 427.8 Number of ski trips attended 3 Total number of ski trips in which the après ski activities outlined on the letter, remotely discribe the actual après ski activities undertaken 0 Percentage of words correctly spelt 72 Total number of brown items of clothing owned by Matt 48 Percentage of activities undertaken simply for ‘the gag’ 67 Percentage of people who think that Matt lives within the walls of Everthorpe Maximum security prison when matt answers the question where do you live? 36 Total amount in pounds Matt spends on jacket potatoes cheese and beans 637 Total hours of CCTV footage of Matt clicking his fingers and taping his chest 97