Johnny Gumballhead - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I'm a booze fueled, low performance machine. I have the agility of a mildly retarded cat with the wit to match. I wouldn't say I fall down a lot, for I try to remain still at all times, which makes for awkward situations in the checkout line. I don't bite, but I will play the "I'm not touching you" game until you break down in tears. If you cry, I will not point and laugh; I will also slap my knee in joviality. Yes, this goes against my whole stance on motionlessness, but one must never pass by the opportunity to point, laugh and slap a knee for the sake of shaming someone. I curse like an old woman discovering yet another thick, gray hair on her chin. I scratch when necessary, and sometimes not. Most importantly, I do not have six toes on my left foot. However, I am considering rectifying this handicap.

My Interests

Talking to inanimate objects, making monkey and emu jokes, resisting the temptation to point at stuff, living each day like it's my first - ie: babbling incoherently and filling my pants full of waste, judging, exploiting, mocking, performing inter-species marriages in Costa Rica, not saying, "dude", predicting the past and bootlegging whiskey.

I'd like to meet:

Music:

Noises I enjoy include Albanian minimalism, wood block quartets, parrot squawking and the death rattle of Carlos Mencia.

Movies:

One day I'll be in pictures. Maybe they'll even put me in one of those talkies.

Television:

...is the box vaudeville is buried in.

Books:

...are sort of expensive and my library card expired ages ago. But I can read, scout's honor. OK, I was never a boy scout, but that doesn't make me a liar. So please, spare me the accusations which will thereby spare you of any embarrassment. And another thing...wait, what was the question?

Heroes:

Johannes Gutenberg, John and Greg Hall, Philip de Montmorency, Elias Howe, Emund Halley, Don Messick, Charles Nelson Pogue, Humphrey O'Sullivan, Mary Anderson, Arthur Paul Pedrick, Pierre Lorillard.

My Blog

Whats wrong with this country?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong! Kids. Damn, lazy kids. You want economic stimulation and less crime? Put kids back to work. Hey, gold bricks don’t smelt themselves, people. Besides, have...
Posted by Johnny Gumballhead on Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:43:00 PST

Regarding the New Year

If at 12:01 a.m., January 1, 2008 the first announcement isn't to reveal the new line of Pontiac flying cars, I am moving off planet to a moon colony - oh wait, we don't have those either. What kind o...
Posted by Johnny Gumballhead on Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:00:00 PST

Things rarely discussed...

...The guy who played the smart personality on the TV show, Herman's Head, despite turning up in the occasional TV commercial....Why whitewall tires went out of fashion....Walking sticks - both the in...
Posted by Johnny Gumballhead on Sun, 04 Nov 2007 06:04:00 PST

Pickup lines that don’t work

"I just look angry, I've never actually killed anyone.""Hey, my mom has that same shirt. You fill it out almost as well as she does.""I've been thinking about getting a new mattress, you wanna come he...
Posted by Johnny Gumballhead on Tue, 30 Oct 2007 08:21:00 PST

of truth

Good day. My sincerest thanks to you for being here.During my ever-so-brief existence on this planet we call Earth, I have noticed there are very few evident truths. This is disappointing, as our purp...
Posted by Johnny Gumballhead on Wed, 24 Oct 2007 04:13:00 PST

Little known facts about Canada

Not many Americans know much about our neighbors to the North. So, I took it upon myself to compile a short list of facts with which to impress your friends at parties.Among Canada's chief exports are...
Posted by Johnny Gumballhead on Thu, 20 Sep 2007 04:38:00 PST

Four...

...that's right, four, count 'em four cars almost barreled into me on my 12 minute ride home from work. As the days pass, people are becoming increasingly stupid. This is not an opinion, it is fact.To...
Posted by Johnny Gumballhead on Sat, 15 Sep 2007 04:47:00 PST

"John, please..."

"...give us more music to which our asses may shake!"OK. Allow me to present Barnaby Twiddle and the Mine Field Marching Band, the greatest thing since unsliced bread. Their debut album in progress, T...
Posted by Johnny Gumballhead on Sun, 09 Sep 2007 04:44:00 PST

People are stupid

Hi.While stopped at a traffic light on my way home I observed something that may have made me let go of my last remaining hope in humanity. In the back window of this gentleman's Cadillac was a sign p...
Posted by Johnny Gumballhead on Sat, 01 Sep 2007 06:40:00 PST

Extremely fucking frustrated

So, I...oh, hello. Yeah...so, I took the week off, right? Yeah. I did so because, well, because...and to finally finish landscaping. It's too tough to try to cram it into a weekend project, so I decid...
Posted by Johnny Gumballhead on Wed, 18 Jul 2007 11:22:00 PST