Tony Danza, Balkie from Perfect Strangers, Mario but NOT Luigi, "chicks dude chicks," screeners and screenwriting agents, movie producers, anyone who reads screenplays, anyone who has been attacked by a shark, anyone who sees that infomercial for the steam cleaner or power washer and says "I need that," people who know pretty much anything about black holes, people who have any involvement whatsoever in Dr. Pepper commercials, anyone who can introduce me to a trained monkey, anyone named Spartacus, people who quote funny movies, people who pick up on the fact that I'm quoting funny movies, people who sing along to songs even when they don't know the lyrics, Little Jon. Not the rapper. This handicapped kid in my neighborhood, we call him Little Jon. He's really quite elusive.
Let me also outline everyone I don't want to meet:
1. Anyone who says "a whole nother" or "probly" or misuses "your/you're."
2. Midgets. Are they really even people?
3. Sheryl Crow. Stop calling.
3. Late night talk show sidekicks (e.g., Kevin Eubanks).
4. People who make their job sound important by adding "Specialist" (note that this does not apply to sandwich artists, because Subway is awesome enough to mock its own employees).
5. People who jog in place while waiting at crosswalks.
6. People who always mention potassium when someone mentions bananas.
7. Girls who hold their cigarette between two fingers with their thumb touching their shoulder.
8. People who laugh at Dr. Pepper commercials.
9. Anyone who does things "big willy style."
10. People who pretend like they listened to every band before you did.
11. People who think talking about fiction "classics" makes them sound smart.
12. People who say "You've never been?"
13. People who use abbreviations/superfluous contractions in real life conversation. "TTYL" or "GTG" OR "BRB" or "ROFL" OR "BFF." "JK" is ok.
14. Girls who ask what kind of car you drive.
15. People who have actually utilized the AOL "2.4 x 10^18 Free Hours" offer.
16. Anyone who has ever replied to spam email.
17. Anyone who has purchased an AbLounge, AbRoller, AbRocker, AbShocker, AbKnocker, AbBlaster, AbBastard, etc.