I was raised in Austin by wonderful parents and spent 17 years in Virginia with down-to-earth people and genuine friends, so I was a wholesome, grounded, decent guy with values and integrity when I moved to LA a year ago. Fortunately, that's all changed. Now I really, really care about celebrity gossip and don't give a shit about politics or world events. I stand around at bars talking about how gross everyone else is and I judge people by the label on their jeans. Becoming vacuous and vain has made me enormously happy. But I think I'll be much happier, hotter and more popular once I get my calf implants.
