Dallas

I just folded some laundry. I want to go snowboarding. I'd write more but who actually spends time reading this stuff? Here...I'll make something up just in case there's somebody out there with nothing better to do. I saved the world once, from an evil piece of lettuce, that's right, lettuce. You see it all started back in 1852 when Thomas Edison created a machine that could travel back in time, yup, it really happened, the machine never got popular because it only traveled back about 4 and a half seconds and it took five minutes to travel back the four seconds, so, I mean you do the math... it was a piece of shit. Anyways, the machine was powered by carbon based material that was easy to break down, lettuce was ideal of course (urine worked too but that's just gross) so anyways on one of the time jumps a piece of lettuce fell out of the machine while they were in what is called "hyper diastolic ministerial mode" umm in english it's basically just while there wrapped in white light moving through time. So anyways this lettuce fell out. Well, it spent 100,000,000 years floating through this whiteness, while it floated it slowly became aware of itself and began to question it's existence, eventually remembering how it got where it was. Mr. Lettuce never wrote a memoir but scholars believe that he started to go insane with hatred blaming humans for his pathetic, wandering, lost existence and plotted a way to destroy us, once his plot was complete he spent the next 50,000 years figuring out how to escape limbo. Well, he did escape, and he ended up here in Portland, just as he had planned. He set up a network of psychotic right winged religious fanatics (most of us call them Baptist Christians but in secret they call themselves lettucinians) to do his bidding His plan was simple, The lettucinians and himself were going to stab every living person on the planet in the kidneys and the larynx then he would pee on us until we died. Well his hideout was right next door to my house and he always talked on his cell phone outside really loud so I was able to piece this all together...so what did I do, I went over, knocked on his door, and when he answered, I ate him. True story, that how I saved the world. I bet you wished you had stopped reading up at the top huh? Ahhh well, to late now.
I edited my profile with my amazing mental powers