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FUCK YOU... THAT SHIT IS FUNNY
What You Need to Believe to Be a Republican
1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals
and Hillary Clinton.
2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy
when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when
Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush
needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital
to a spirit of international harmony.
4. The United States should get out of the United Nations,
and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N.
resolutions against Iraq.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own
body, but multi-national corporations can make
decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise
the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans'
benefits and combat pay.
7. If condoms are kept forbidden, adolescents won't have
sex.
8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-
time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy,
but providing health care to all Americans is
socialism.
10. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests
of the public at heart.
11. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
12. A president lying about an extramarital affair is a
impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist
support for a war in which thousands die is
solid defense policy.
13. Government should limit itself to the powers named in
the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages
and censoring the Internet.
14. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle
trades, but George Bush's driving record is
none of our business.
15. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an
illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital
national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is
irrelevant.
What You Need to Believe to Be a Democrat1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support
abortion on demand.
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression
and governments create prosperity.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-
abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S.
weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North
Korean Communists
4. You have to believe that there was no art before
Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less
affected by cyclical documented changes in the
earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms
driving SUV's.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial
but being homosexual is natural.
7 You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a
lack of federal funding.
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't
teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to
teach those same kids about sex.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about
nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of
San Francisco do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important
than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million
of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for
financial gain only.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports
certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is
good because it supports certain parts of the
Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM
fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria
Steinem are more important to American history than
Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, Thomas
Edison and A.G. Bell.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are
racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normally a
very nice person.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism
hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the
right people haven't been in charge.
18 You have to believe conservatives telling the truth
belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged
in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying
drag, transvestites, and bestiality should
be constitutionally protected, and manger
scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party
funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the
best interest to the United States.
21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a
vast, right wing conspiracy.
22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal
workers Christmas Day off but it's not okay to
say "Merry Christmas."
And with that said: Ich hasse das Zweiersystem, aber ich mag liberal sein. p.s. der Zionist in isreal sind falsch für, was sie im Mittleren Osten tun.