michael

..When Mike was ready to be born he decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. "Mike sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Mikey roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month." "Mike can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Mike allows to live. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Mike , and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten. Mike is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.Mike is the reason why Waldo is hiding. "When Mike goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket." "When Mikey jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Mikey instead." "Mike can divide by zero." "When Mike runs with scissors, other people get hurt." "Mike can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night."Forget Wikipedia, if Mike wants you know something, he will tell you. "Mike has counted to infinity. Twice.""Mike does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Mikey goes killing."Mike doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them." "There is no chin behind Mikeys gotee. There is only another fist." " "Mike once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, 'Bang!'" "Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a "Miketatorship. "Mike can drink an entire gallon of whole milk in forty-seven seconds, add chocolate make it 18 seconds." "Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Mike ." "Mike can touch MC Hammer." "Mike doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants."When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Mike ." "Superman owns a pair of Flying Mike pajamas." "Mike does not sleep. He waits." "Oxygen requires Mike to live.""When Mike does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down." "Mike doesn't have to stop bullets because they know better." "Mike challenged a statue to a staring contest. Mike remains undefeated." "Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 Timberland boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why." "Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Mike can shit on the ceiling." "The Earth doesn't revolve. It's just trying to get away from Mike." "The first lunar eclipse took place after Mike challenged the sun to a staring contest. Mike always wins."Homer Simpson: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer Simpson: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer Simpson: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer Simpson: Heh heh heh ... ooh ... yeah ... right, Lisa. A wonderful ... magical animal.