Im a modern man,
a man for the millennium.
Digital and smoke free.
A diversified multi-cultural,
post-modern deconstructionist,
that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect.
Ive been up linked and downloaded,
Ive been inputted and outsourced,
I know the upside of downsizing,
I know the downside of upgrading.
Im a high-tech low-life.
A cutting edge, state-of-the-art,
bi-coastal multi-tasker,
and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
Im new wave, but Im old school;
and my inner child is outward bound.
Im a hot-wired, heat seeking,
warm-hearted cool customer;
voice activated and bio-degradable.
I interface with my database;
my database is in cyberspace;
so Im interactive, Im hyperactive,
and from time to time Im radioactive.
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve,
ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet,
and pushin the envelope.
Im on-point, on-task, on-message,
and off drugs.
Ive got no need for coke and speed;
I've got no urge to binge and purge.
Im in-the-moment, on-the-edge,
over-the-top but under-the-radar.
A high-concept, low-profile,
medium-range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb.
A top-gun bottom feeder.
I wear power ties, I tell power lies,
I take power naps and run victory laps.
Im a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk,
rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.
A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic.
Out of rehab and in denial!
Ive got a personal trainer,
a personal shopper,
a personal assistant
and a personal agenda.
You cant shut me up;
you cant dumb me down.
'Cause Im tireless and Im wireless,
Im an alpha male on beta-blockers.
Im a non-believer,
and an over-achiever.
Laid-back but fashion-forward.
Up-front, down-home,
low-rent, high-maintenance.
Super-sized, long-lasting,
high-definition, fast-acting,
oven-ready and built-to-last!
Im a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case,
prematurely post-traumatic,
and Ive got a love-child that sends me hate mail.
But, Im feeling, Im caring,
Im healing, Im sharing.
A supportive, bonding, nurturing
primary care-giver.
My output is down, but my income is up.
I took a short position on the long bond
and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow.
I read junk mail, I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports!
Im gender specific, capital intensive,
user-friendly and lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex. I like tough love.
I use the F word in my emails
and the software on my hard-drive
is hardcore--no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall;
I bought a mini-van at a mega-store.
I eat fast-food in the slow lane.
Im toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear,
and I come in all sizes.
A fully-equipped, factory-authorized,
hospital-tested, clinically-proven,
scientifically- formulated medical miracle.
Ive been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated,
pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged,
post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped,
vacuum-packed.
And, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
Im a rude dude, but Im the real deal.
Lean and mean!
Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock.
Rough, tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow, I go with the flow,
I ride with the tide. Ive got glide in my stride.
Drivin and movin, sailin and spinin,
jiving and groovin, wailin and winnin.
I dont snooze, so I dont lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal
and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time.
Im hangin in, there aint no doubt
and Im hangin tough,
over and out!"
~George Carlin