C. Boobs= {Helplessly Happy}

Students, faculty, and staff: Thank you for allowing me to speak today.Before I begin, I’d like to explain the oratory format I’ve chosen this afternoon. While unorthodox, I’ve decided to make two speeches. The first one is targeted towards the majority--the 99% of you who are little more than sheep that will keep this country economically strong for years to come by dispensing Slurpies and fries and tearing ticket stubs in half at the local Cineplex.I thank you for your lack of intelligence, ability, and ambition.The other half of my speech is targeted towards the 1% of you that will truly reflect whatever integrity our society retains. You’ll forgive me, of course, if I first address the 99% as their attention spans are woefully unprepared for anything that doesn’t involve Play Station, bitchin’ music, blood, fast moving objects or fellatio, hardly any of which are part of my planned speech.So, let me begin by quoting one the troubadours of the sheep generation, Eminem:Awww naww, big slim doggEighty-pound balls, dick six-inch longBack up, in the, heezy bay-bayHe’s sha-day!While I was raised just a few miles away from where the flaxen-haired quasi-albino poet grew up, I have no freakin’ idea what he was talking about, but I suspect he was referring to the other poet laureate of your generation, the venerable Snoop Dog. EminemNo matter because I’m well aware that you draw inspiration from inane song lyrics, much the same as prior generations drew inspiration from philosopher-giants like Elvis, The Big Bopper, or Katrina and the Waves. After all, reading real philosophy or literature—truly contemplating the meaning of existence--is hard work and makes your head throb like it did when you crawled into the dryer at the laundromat as an homage to Johnny Knoxville.I guess it doesn’t surprise me when I read that 50 years ago the average high school kid had a vocabulary of about 50,000 words whereas his modern-day contemporary has a vocabulary of about 10,000 words.That’s like, you know, bad.I guess that’s part of the reason a study released yesterday indicates that only one in six of you is ready to function adequately in society. Given that statistic, I’ll try to give you some advice that will make the transition from slacker into a member of sheep society a little more effective and a little easier.First of all, most of you are morons so try to get comfortable with that notion. It’s not really a bad thing. America likes morons. The less you know, the more people will accept you. Practice becoming “plain spoken.”Being smart labels you as different—an outsider. People who read or study are freaks and you should never hesitate to snicker at them or give them wedgies. Ogre knew this simple fact and you should too. If you’re smart, you’ll never be asked to join the bowling team, strip naked to the waist and paint your body with the colors of your local football team, or drink Bud until you pass out. And really, what’s life without simple joys like those?Don’t read. I remember a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip from about ten years ago where Hobbes, the tiger, had given Calvin a book to read. In the first panel Calvin says, “I finished the book you gave me. It really made me think and it changed the way I look at things.” In the next and final panel, Calvin completes the thought and says, “Don’t give me another one.”And that’s why it’s best not to read. Introducing new ideas into your head can be dangerous and threaten your complacent slacker existence.Don’t use big words, even if you know any. And say things as if they were fact and the vast majority of people will believe you. Try this one on the next person you talk to:“The Department of Homeland Security has just asked that all women shave their pubic areas because it gives the terrorists one less place to hide.”I just made that up...or did I? It doesn’t matter! Truth has very little value in today’s society. What matters is appearance! Strength Coach Charles Poliquin once told me about the time he addressed the Mighty Ducks hockey team about training principles.Most of them started yawning or studying whatever stray organic matter they’d excavated from their ear or nose when out of the blue, former Ducks player Paul Kariya, for whatever reason, asked Charles to do a front double-biceps shot. You have to understand that Charles is short and doesn’t look all that formidable...until he pulls out those guns. Charles flexed those 19-inch arms and suddenly he had their respect. He could have told them to drink kerosene or give themselves hockey-puck suppositories and they would have done it!Furthermore, if you do anything wrong, never admit it. It’s frustrating and maddening to those you wronged, but they’ll get over it and you won’t be expected to make amends for anything. However, if denying it doesn’t work, feign being teary-eyed. America loves teary-eyed people. Most of the country is so devoid of sincerity that if someone even has the faint appearance of being compassionate or sensitive, they’re duly impressed. Remember, appearance is all that counts.And since we’re talking about appearance, I’d like to say a few words to the female morons in the audience, especially the really attractive ones. You’ve hit the jackpot. By turning yourselves into robosluts, you’re destined never to want for anything. You’ll never have to work that hard, demonstrate any real abilities, nor even buy a drink for yourself. If you play your cards right, you can marry some poor well-to-do schlub who’ll take care of you. You’ll be human female equivalents to Butterscotch, the companion pony to super horse Smarty Jones. Smarty is worth a lot of money, so Butterscotch gets to enjoy the good life, too.Better squirrel some of his money away, though, because once you start to get a little baggy and tired looking, you’ll be dumped pronto because it’s not like you had any other positive traits, least of all being an engaging conversationalist. Nope, your lives will be as shallow as your thoughts so you might as well get some good shopping in.I see that most of you have started to blather on your cell phones, so I think I’ll segue into the second part of my speech, the one for the outcasts.Thanks for being patient. You people are the only excuse I have for not praying for nuclear annihilation. I probably don’t have much to teach you, but what the hell, I’ll give it a go.I’ve learned the veneer of civilization is pretty thin and that underneath that veneer, we still think with cock and club. That’s okay. Being in touch with your primal side is good, as long you’re able to temper and control it with smarts.Being smart is the silver bullet that kills all the monsters, solves all the problems. Being plain spoken is bullshit. Being smart is not only about having information, but also having knowledge. There’s a distinct difference. Having information is like having Charisma Carpenter’s phone number while having knowledge is like having Charisma Carpenter. Charisma CarpenterHowever, remember please that knowledge is only as good as what you do with it. There’s a little poem—if you can even call it that---written by Stephen Crane around the turn of the 20th century that, if memory serves, goes something like this:A man said to the Universe, “Sir, I exist.”“Yes,” replied the Universe,“But that has not created in me a sense of obligation.”I take it to mean that you can’t put yourself in fate’s hands. Rather than be a rudderless ship, you’ve got to use whatever talents you have and do something with your life. The universe has better things to do than take care of you.Bet on a long shot once in awhile. Strive for something totally outrageous where the odds are strong you’ll fall on your keister. Remember those fool figure skaters in the Olympics? “Safe” routines never score big points.Furthermore, try to become extra smart in a particular field, i.e., become an expert in something even if it’s the history of lawn furniture. It might not lead directly to monetary riches, but being really knowledgeable about something is like a life raft that will bring you pleasure and nurture your soul throughout your life.Don’t look for inconsequential battles but don’t shy away from them. Back when Bill Russell was playing basketball, he was getting beaten up under the boards game after game because he wouldn’t throw an elbow in retaliation. His coach told him, “Do it one time. Throw an elbow in a Nationally televised game and you’ll never have to do it again.”Russell did just that and from that point on, he never got beat up underneath the boards again. So throw an elbow once in awhile.And while I busted the sheep about getting their wisdom or inspiration from the moronic lyrics of rappers or rock bands, it’s okay to delve into what I categorize as “cereal box philosophy” once in a while. Go ahead and assimilate a catchy phrase from some moronic song, but let’s not go overboard, okay? Real understanding takes work and contemplation.Find some good friends but cut them the same slack they cut you. Who cares if they borrowed five bucks and forgot to pay you back, or that they grabbed the big piece of chicken? If a friend sticks up for you when you’re not around, that’s a friend worth keeping.Along the same line, remember what Lou Reed said, that there will always be “some evil mothers who think that life is full of dirt.” Their sole purpose is to bring you down. Avoid these emotional vampires but don’t bear them malice. You don’t take it personal when a storm knocks a tree over and it falls on your Honda, do you? Similarly, these rotten bastards are just forces of nature.Nurture your body because it’s the vehicle that totes around that big, beautiful brain of yours. Why carry it around in a rusty old wheelbarrow when you can use a high-horsepower Benz?Now go out, celebrate your graduation by letting your primal side take over for a while, and then go out there and make me proud.