About Me
Here on my bed my limbs I lay,
It hath not been my use to pray
With moving lips or bended knees,
But silently, by slow degrees,
My spirit I to love compose,
In humble trust mine eye-lids close,
With reverential resignation,
No wish conceived, no thought express,
Only a sense of supplication,
A sense over all my soul imprest
That I am weak, yet not unblest,
Since in me, round me, every where
Eternal strength and wisdom are,
But yester-night I prayed aloud,
In anguish and in agony,
Up starting from the fiendish crowd,
Of shapes and thoughts that tortured me,
A lurid light, a trampling throng,
Sense of intolerable wrong,
And whom I scorned, those only strong,
Thirst of revenge, the powerless will
Still baffled, and yet burning still,
Desire with loathing strangely mixed,
On wild or hateful objects fixed,
Fantastic passions ! maddening brawl !
And shame and terror over all !
Deeds to be hid which were not hid,
Which all confused I could not know,
Whether I suffered, or I did,
For all seemed guilt, remorse or woe,
My own or others still the same,
Life-stifling fear, soul-stifling shame....So two nights passed, the night's dismay
Saddened and stunned the coming day,
Sleep, the wide blessing, seemed to me
Distemper's worst calamity,
The third night, when my own loud scream,
Had waked me from the fiendish dream,
Overcome with sufferings strange and wild,
I wept as I had been a child,
And having thus by tears subdued
My anguish to a milder mood,
Such punishments, I said, were due,
To natures deepliest stained with sin,
For aye entempesting anew,
The unfathomable hell within,
The horror of their deeds to view,
To know and loathe, yet wish and do...
Such griefs with such men well agree,
But wherefore, wherefore fall on me ?
To be beloved is all I need,
And whom I love, I love indeed.
