36249065 - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I am an anti-crafter. Pish and tiddle to buying pre-cut teddy bears and sticking them on card with pre-blobbed bits of glue that cost 6 times more than a Pritt Stick! Death to you all who cover toilet rolls up with something lacy! DEATH DEATH DEATH to pre-printed Disney embroidery kits! USE YOUR IMAGINATION! I am despairing of most things in life. Only a good coating of Vick's Vapour Rub in a morning can energise me in some way.Did you know I invented the ENERVATIONS CATALOGUE? a brochure selling items that waste time and exhaust you rather than save time and energy? It's massive with the unemployed, lonely, jut plain demented that long to fill their empty, pathetic days with mind-numbing labour The most popular line has to be the STAIN STICK which actually rubs stains into clean garments so you have to wash them, a real boon for filling in the time between Countdown and Deal Or No Deal. I live in the ether, I have no dependents, I like moving images, ducks, chocolate and a little light shop lifting. I cartoon, write comedy that gets nowhere, bake cakes and make weird greetings cards (Terry Jones and Michael Palin where my first customers but they'd find the ingredients on a tube of toothpaste funny now wouldn't they?)

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

Dave Fensome if he EVER GETS his bum up north and Louise! Warp records fans Film buffs (mine are getting scuffed) Bootsy Collins George Clinton Tom McRae (excellent)Jeff Buckley, Sandy Denny, Bill Hicks, Spike Milligan, Richard Pryor (But they are dead apparently) David Lynch Coen Brothers Mighty Boosh David Shrigley Robert Crumb Jamie Lidell (again, one last time) Ralph Steadman Banksy to kick his head in for trying to get my exhibit out of it's prime spot at Santas Ghetto in Soho last year. Aren't you famous enough you unfuny turd?

My Blog

urban hermits

I am busy writing a comedy film script about an urban hermit. But once I've finished I have no idea about how to get it filmed! Is there anyone who can help??
Posted by on Wed, 14 May 2008 06:34:00 GMT

AVON WHORE

Hello! I'm not dead! I was merely asleep! My local Avon/Bettaware representative (she moonlights for Bettaware as she is a cheap catalogue whore) has resorted to drastic measures to guarantee her 3.5 ...
Posted by on Sat, 15 Dec 2007 08:36:00 GMT

LENNY HENRY WORLD OPENING SOON!

LENNY HENRY WORLD COMES TO BISHOP STORTFORD! FROM THE OWNERS OF SUNDOWN ADVENTURELAND IN RAMPTON , NOTTS COMES LENNY HENRY WORLD-AN EXCITING NEW THEME PARK BASED ON THE GREAT FUNNY MAN HIMSELF. ...
Posted by on Fri, 13 Jul 2007 03:03:00 GMT

MURDOCH MEMO!

G'day cobbers! Just a quick note to let you know the bloody deal here, alright? No more fannying around leaving comments for bloody free! Myspace is not a free texting service-from now on it's going t...
Posted by on Sat, 03 Mar 2007 01:48:00 GMT

BIDDY POEM

Biddy This He-She came to fix my twin tub Used to be a woman. Till they fashioned a willy out of her ladybird To think she sat on my toilet. Can't figure out her hair. She got me by the fish pond....
Posted by on Wed, 17 Jan 2007 00:04:00 GMT

George Clinton and his rubbish antique's roadshow

George Clinton's Antiques Roadshow Welcome to my very own splanking Antiques Roadshow! Here to put a glide in your stride. We got Cordell 'Boogie' Mosson on ceramics! Garry 'Starchild' Shider on toy...
Posted by on Wed, 17 Jan 2007 00:00:00 GMT

TRENDY RECORD SHOP HELL

Some trendy record shop somewhere, probably in Soho. There is a trendy young bounder languishing ever so stylishly behind the counter, with a now, (surely?) dated Limahl haircut and associated sweat b...
Posted by on Thu, 11 Jan 2007 04:57:00 GMT

HOW THE BRITISH EMPIRE WAS LOST.

At the end of WW1 the British Empire consisted of over 25% of the world's population. By 1973 when Britain entered the EEC only a few imperial possessions remained. How come? How was it lost? From wat...
Posted by on Sat, 06 Jan 2007 10:07:00 GMT

MY UNCLE TERRY'S CELEBRITY DANDRUFF COLLECTION FOR SALE!

FOR SALE! MY UNCLE TERRY HAS BEEN COLLECTING PIECES OF CELEBRITY DANDRUFF FOR YEARS (I CANNOT DIVULGE HOW IT IS A TRADE SECRET). HE WANTS TO SELL THE WHOLE LOT 300 SQUIDS. HERE ARE THE UNDOUBTED HIGHL...
Posted by on Thu, 04 Jan 2007 13:41:00 GMT

Popsocks- a warning

I think it was Lenny Bruce that once said that if you uttered 'nigger' enough times it would eventually render the word useless, devoid of meaning, no longer loaded with connotation. If only it worked...
Posted by on Thu, 04 Jan 2007 00:53:00 GMT