Smurf - ProfilesArchive

About Me

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Joel Smerchek
Birthday: Sunday
Birthplace: Estes Park, CO
Current Location: In front of the computer.
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: What hair?
Height: 5' 7"
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right
Your Heritage: Alcoholic
The Shoes You Wore Today: Rockports
Your Weakness: Green eyes.
Your Fears: Sock puppets.
Your Perfect Pizza: Neopolitan-style, wood-fired crust, brushed with olive oil and balsamic, slices of mozzarella bufala, cherry tomatoes sliced in half, and whole, fresh basil leaves. The crust stays warm, but everything else is cold. Hot piss.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Stay alive
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: ROFLHETSATRAHYMRBTE
Thoughts First Waking Up: How much did I drink last night?
Your Best Physical Feature: My pendulous manhood.
Your Bedtime: After I'm out of beer.
Your Most Missed Memory: Being able to sleep past 7:00am.
Pepsi or Coke: Guinness
MacDonalds or Burger King: Good Times
Single or Group Dates: Either or, but a group of girls is always better than one.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: (shudder)
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: Guinness
Do you Smoke: No
Do you Swear: Fuck no.
Do you Sing: At a pitch that toys with people's bowels.
Do you Shower Daily: Who has time?
Have you Been in Love: Still am. Her name is Pauli Girl.
Do you want to go to College: No. I drink enough as is.
Do you want to get Married: I thought you'd never ask!
Do you belive in yourself: Of course there's a God!
Do you get Motion Sickness: No
Do you think you are Attractive: I have the body of a god: Buddha.
Are you a Health Freak: See above.
Do you get along with your Parents: Yes
Do you like Thunderstorms: I need a girl with me to enjoy them.
Do you play an Instrument: Insert skin flute joke here...
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That's the funniest question I've ever read!
In the past month have you Smoked: No
In the past month have you been on Drugs: No
In the past month have you gone on a Date: No
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Mmmmm...Oreos.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: No...I haven't even seen that girl since she told me she got the clap.
In the past month have you been on Stage: Yes
In the past month have you been Dumped: No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: No, it was chunky dipping. On a side note, I did drink some Skinny Dip beer from New Belgium. That may or may not be relevant.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: The hearts of countless women. They're all in a jar of formaldehyde under my desk.
Ever been Drunk: I plead the fifth...of vodka.
Ever been called a Tease: Cocktease, yes.
Ever been Beaten up: Not yet.
Ever Shoplifted: Yes
How do you want to Die: I want to jump off the roof of the tallest building in Denver with a couple dozen sticks of dynamite strapped to my body, and then detonate halfway down. Either that or hang myself by my own intestines and leave behind a cryptic suicide note mentioning aliens and Canadian food.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Alive
What country would you most like to Visit: Brazil
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Green or blue.
Favourite Hair Color: Brown
Short or Long Hair: Gotta be able to pull on it.
Height: 5' to 5' 7", taller than me and it's weird.
Weight: 100 to 140, I like throwing them around.
Best Clothing Style: Um, girly? Or is this my clothing style? Whoever thought of this is an idiot.
Number of Drugs I have taken: 1
Number of CDs I own: 400+
Number of Piercings: Several, all unintentional, but they've mostly healed now.
Number of Tattoos: One. Or, wait, maybe technically eight since they don't actually touch each other.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: No regrets.
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Heaven is where the police are English, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians. I created my profile with Myspace Layouts+

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

Ernie Vegas
People Iced: Thirty Nine
Car Bombs Planted: Seventeen
Favorite Weapon Bottle Rockets
Arms Broken: Thirty Three
Eyes Gouged: Eighteen
Tongues Cut Off: Thirteen
Biggest Enemy: The Canadian Strangler
Get Your HITMAN Name

My Blog

Oh Yes...

On Monday I went out for a ride with the only friend (shout out to Kasia) who has a motorcycle. Scratch that. She's the only friend who has a running motorcycle. Everyone else has 30-year-old Kawasaki...
Posted by on Wed, 18 Mar 2009 17:29:00 GMT

I e Food Poisoning

Continuing with the theme of things I heart, is today's subject: food poisoning. There's nothing in the world quite like waking up at 11:30 at night with the taste of bile in your mouth, stumbling int...
Posted by on Mon, 03 Nov 2008 00:35:00 GMT

I e Scammers (Personal Info Disclosed, DO NOT READ)

According to my junk email box, I'm the luckiest person in America, possibly the world. Every week I get, on average, two or three emails saying that I've won the UK National Lottery for some amo...
Posted by on Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:32:00 GMT

You Will Pay For Your Insolence, Fortune Cookie

During the normal course of my job, I come across all manner of hilarity either directed at or committed by other people. The girl named Amanda Finger, the blind guy who hasn't "seen" his buddy in yea...
Posted by on Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:38:00 GMT

The Grizzeatest Thing Since Sliced Briznead

My buddy Dan just turned me on to the best website ever created: Gizoogle.com. It translates webpages into rap for you, which has hilarious results when viewing sites with lots of legalese and corpora...
Posted by on Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:32:00 GMT

Tending Bar

I love my job. I got to work a wedding on Friday till midnight and then be at work at four in the morning on Saturday. Okay, that bit kinda sucks, but the part I do like is getting people who are alre...
Posted by on Sun, 20 Apr 2008 10:07:00 GMT

Addendum to Good Times

Curses! The weather decided not to cooperate during my week with $6000 worth of optical equipment. Tuesday was the only night where the clouds weren't too heavy to get good views of the sky, but there...
Posted by on Thu, 06 Mar 2008 19:50:00 GMT

Good Times

This coming Sunday, my boss is going to Yellowstone with her hubby to try and get some pictures of wolves and whatever other furry mammalian creatures reside up there, and are having me stay at their ...
Posted by on Tue, 19 Feb 2008 18:39:00 GMT

Divorce Papers

As some of you know, the wife (my Saab), has been acting up recently. If I can't get her straightened out, I may have to file divorce papers and look for a younger, hotter model. Something along ...
Posted by on Wed, 13 Feb 2008 17:04:00 GMT

A Jerry Can of Gas and A Match...

...Is probably how I'm going to end up "fixing" my car*. After spending nigh $800 getting the computer replaced, including towing, the wife seems to have developed a new thing where if I've been drivi...
Posted by on Mon, 11 Feb 2008 10:15:00 GMT