In a land far, far away - at a time antiquity has long forgotten - a man, was born. Some say that he hails from the land of the Springs of Coral, in the deep, dark wilds of the savage Ides of Flor. Others however believe that this god amongst men sprang forth, fully formed like the gods and goddesses of yore from the bowels of Mount Olympus. This man, provenence unknown - unknowable - arrived in the searing heat of August on the 25th day in the year of our lord one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, anno domini - not as a mere infant, nay, but as a man. On that most humble of days, a towering infant was birthed from the granite uterus of Mount Olympus, a 5'8", 155 pound monstrosity forged from steel and pure unadulterated sexy. And Zeus thundered, "And his name shall be, Matthew! God amongst men! Immortal amongst mortals!"
The trials and tribulations of Matthew cannot be measured in mere words. No, sentences and phrases ring hollow when charged with the task relating his epic tale. The land bounded by the Ides of Flor could not contain the multitudes that constituted this multitudinous behemoth. After 23 years laboring away in the torturous prison of the Springs of Coral, Matthew finally broke free of the bonds that had been bound so tightly to his flesh. Alas, the fabled city of Atlantis called his name. To this day, you can hear it faintly echoed in the rolling tides of the sea or in the distant calls of the seashells. Go ahead, hold the mighty conch to your feeble ear. Listen to the mighty sea! For it whispers... Matthew... Matthew... Matthew... And so Atlantis called. And Matthew answered. The trek across the dark, inhospitable jungles of the Ides of Flor was difficult, some claim impossible. The journey north was long, hard, phallic. Starting in the swamps of the Glades of Ever, Matthew and his trusty sidekick the legendarily cavalier Box of Shit - older and trustier than the noblest of steeds - made their way north. Up the Pikes Turn of the Ides of Flor, named for the mythical Rone Olde Raygaun - a beast whose teeth were deadlier than the sharpest of blades. Yes, through the boundless plain of the Glades and onto the 75th State of Inter. Oh, Matthew was interred indeed. Through the land of Or he went! Past the tiny chalet at the Gaines of Ville! Over Dosta Vale! Around The Cone of May and finally, the wilds of the hearalded Atlantis! But, like the great explorer Columbus before him, Matthew had stumbled upon somethinng entirely new. Instead of the lost city below the sea, Matthew had found a metropolis - over 5 million strong - a teeming beehive, buzzing with the activity of the multiplying Atlantans. He arrived, tired, careworn, but with a steely, deliberate drive he went. Where did he go? Why, to the lord of the Atlantans. He confronted the lord and said unto him,"I, Matthew, King of kings have come to save the Atlantans! I am here to battle the evils of the Ides of Flor, slowly encroaching from the South! I have arrived!" And with that, the lord of Atlanta humbly accepted his new leader, their new leader. And the millions of Atlantan were so grateful. They erected statues, monuments, palaces in the name of Matthew - their lord, their god. And so he is - a modern day Moses! Matthew leads his people, the Atlantans, across the abysmal deserts of time. He has bestowed upon them, the chosen people, the gift of love, light... redemption.
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