Does "Tomorrow" ever really come? I mean is the song in Annie really a cheerful song? Cuz by the time tomorrow comes, it's today, and so you stay hopeful for something that always remains a day away. I am hopeful for things that constantly are out of reach.Above everything one could ever spend their money on, I love to travel. I don't own nice things, I don't buy fancy jewerly, I only own one pair of sneakers, but I Love to Travel. When I am not travelling, I am online looking for my next vacation. Constantly reviewing flights and packages, and figuring out where to go and what to do. I can be a passionate person, but I think I expend too much energy on things I have absolutely no control over. Maybe deep down the vacationing is a release from my everyday world. I am in school. Working toward my bachelors which if all goes well, should be about a year away. Crossing my fingers for faster, but I won't hold my breath. :)I think I might be an alcoholic. i am almost convinced of it actually. I have let my drinking play a really important role in my life. I thought like everyone else does when they are 19 or 20 that mishaps are normal. I don't think so anymore. I spent two years in a volatile relationship and accidentally OD'd one night when I was drunk and landed in the psych-ward of the hospital for 5days. (I proceeded to stick around for yet another year of bs even after I KNEW it should have ended.) Because I thought I deserved the shit that was going on. Because I thought I was lucky too even have the relationship or the girl. Because I thought "we are young, "and "it's the drinking." It took getting cheated on, to get out of a relationship that was helping me believe I would never be worth anything. No that's not true --I actually tried to stay with her despite getting cheated on. I remained loyal, and friendly with her far after.
What it took infact, was another girl! Befriending a girl that treated me better and made me feel normal. I could see in her eyes, where it is I wanted to be both spiritually, and emotionally. She was calming, and genuine, and lighthearted and to me the most beautiful girl I had ever had the privilege to view. I saw inside her to her core. I left to pursue "the Real Thing." - I say all this weepy. I knew, then, we were so capable of providing each other all the things that would make each other truly happy, in our hearts and minds. Tools and techniques and differences in our personalities showed themselves. Our bonds were based on honesty respect and trust - these things would be breached 7 years into our relationship. I took space. What I thought would only prove positive to both of us. I was Dead WrongOn 4th of July of 2005 my life was drastically changed by drinking. That's right, cuz 3 torn ligaments and an ACL reconstruction and 5months out of work wasn't a clear enough message on May 5 of 2003 (Happy Cinqo De Mayo). I took the cake when I beatup my Ex-girlfriend (that I absolutely adored) in the driveway and kitchen of her home, with her parents in front of me and her new girlfriend frightened-to-death upstairs. Writing that paragraph just turned my stomach...
I can't forgive myself and I know I need to.II make excuses for people and situations. I try to own as much responsibility as I can, even when it's not mine to own. I think this is because if you try to own it, then you can try to fix it, and if you don't fix it, you can blame yourself for it going awry. Living in Guilt!!!Owning things is big for me. Taking responsibility for things I have no control over...wow, it's my middle name. I do own more than my fair share. I internalize the failures and make them mine. I tell myself I did something -to someone- at some point to deserve all this. I devour myself alive...no better, I eat myself one spoonful at a time. Its slower and more painful that way.I have made excuses for all the things my Exs have done to me. In my mind there was a reasonable explanation for the car chases, the late night phone calls, the 5hour hostage situations, the restrictions about where I could go and who I could go with. Not allowed to attend concerts or go to bars, or out to eat, or not being allowed to park my car at my "girlfriend's" house, or even drive into the town she lived in. In fact, I even made myself understand why "if I planned to drive into that town I agreed to use a further exit and come back toward the house, so I didn't drive down the main street." All these things made good sense to me. I respected my boundaries fairly well. I did break them once in awhile, and when I did, I took my punishment like an adult. People think maybe all of these things combined is what I finally acted out on July 4th. My absolute hurt, which turned to anger, which turned to fury. I can't accept that. If I did than I would be making excuses for myself and I would be partially blaming someone else. I don't do this....I make excuses for others, and blame myself. What do "people" know anyway? They are just people.I am not beautiful. I am not even pretty. At times, I am downright Ugly. But I can be fun, I can be funny, I can be uproarious. I have learned to be funny. What an escape. Smiling keeps me from crying. Smiling keeps you around me. But not inside me, just nearby me.I wanted a life so Full of "Substance." (Like meaning, not like drugs.) That was a joke, but maybe it had bad pitch. I have longed for the deeper meaning and understanding. I have wanted someone to know me so intimately they could feel me and understand me just by looking into my eyes. I want to do that with someone else.I have been dating a girl on and off for about 2 years now. She wants me so much. She wants me to love her, and see me in her future. She wants to move in with me, and wants me to move away with her next year when she goes to grad school. I struggle with these questions and choices...I am thinking about it.....So many big choices By the way, I don't generally make life altering decisions. I generally let the pieces fall as they may. If you want to write me I look forward to hearing from you. If not, I would Completely understand. Truth is I could make myself be soo much more likeable, but I would only be hiding my baggage.I decided friends, and relationships are alot like your apartment. I think if you keep a messy house, only the closest of the close ever see it. If you are starting a new relationship (just like your apt) you will have a tendency to clean it up. Make it presentable. you throw clothes in the closet, make your bed. Maybe you light an incense, or vacuum the rug. You wash your dishes, or hide them in the oven. We shove, and stuff things way out of sight. That's the honeymoon phase of every relationship. They see your outside, and a cleaned up version, idealistically of what you are......When do you start to unravel. When Do you unwind enough to let someone see you as you truly are. What are you most afraid of...The judgement, the rejection, the honesty? If you are afraid to show them the YOU that you truly are because they won't like you...Well, what are you really doing then. Making them like your representative?Here I am.....I am soo much more, but My skeletons are out!
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