Rian Bosak was born Adalberto Jesus Diegotxe Coello II in 1963, to Argentinean immigrant parents Adalberto and Nilda Coello. He was promptly lost, but thankfully was recovered resting happily within a large handbag which had been mistakenly handed to a coat-check girl at the Waldorf Hotel. Unfortunately however, his parents had been deported hours after his birth when the Mount Sinai Hospital staff discovered that the only money in their possession were some strange, worthless-looking foreign coins (later discovered to be Spanish Doubloons) and promptly alerted the authorities. Nilda, thinking quickly, placed him in the handbag of a wealthy woman on their way out of the hospital.
That woman turned out to be no other than Rosemary Clooney, and it is widely speculated that her performance of the Gershwin tune Someone to Watch Over Me was inspired by the baby’s serendipitous appearance in her life. His name was promptly changed to Rian in honor of Saint Rian of the Divine Kiosk and the last name Bosak was chosen after the French novelist Honore de Balzac, but was misspelled on the birth certificate by an incompetent nurse, and they were like, fuck it.
Rian’s education was seen to by the Monsignor of a local Parish, it having been believed in that time that all Argentineans were inherently catholic and that contact with other religions would cause his head to explode. As a result, Rian spent most of his youth in a depressive isolation that lead to his future health troubles. Having been given a lifelong religious indoctrination in lieu of a formal education, Rian’s employment options were severely limited. He grudgingly accepted a job as a writer for the New Yorker only because they allowed him to submit articles from his home via telegraph, and basically just make shit up.
It was during these years that his isolation and love of German food caused his weight to balloon to a dangerous 412 lbs. He was on the verge of death when he was discovered in his home by neighbors, suctioned firmly into his bathtub, operating his telegraph from a distance with a broom handle and shouting racial slurs at his cat. He was promptly checked into the Mama Cass Elliott Center for Treatment of Pork Addictions.
After several relapses and a fully successful gastric-bypass surgery, the trim and attractive Rian Bosak we all know and love emerged to become one of the great writers of our time. Rian’s writing credits include, among many others; films such as Cannibarian, Deadly Death, Deadly Death II: Deathday, Roadhouse, Shutterbug Shenanigans:The Rian Bosak Story, and Memoirs of a Geisha (Screen Adaptation).
Rian now divides his time between his wife Alicia and their four children in Birmingham Alabama; and his wife Tandy and their two dogs in Medford Oregon. His tireless work with the Latin Actors Awareness foundation has made Edward James Olmos and Benjamin Bratt household names, and he promises to produce many more great works of literature as time goes on.Rebekah Hunt - Rolling Stone Magazine (2004)P.S AIM DRTHBOSAK2
