Well well, what can I say about me? I am married to beautiful Amanda. We have a kitty named "Lexxi" who likes to chew cords and my hands. We own a house in Hamilton, which is braggable. I am really proud of this fact.
I am "cockasian", medium build and was last seen wearing a blue sweatshirt.
I let the dogs out.
I work for Kelowna Flightcraft which is at the Hamilton Airport. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a pilot. What do I do there? Very little.
I can divide by zero.
I played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
I lent Samuel L Jackson my wallet for the diner scene in "Pulp Fiction".
My semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'.
I framed Roger Rabbit.
I'm the reason why Waldo is hiding.
I won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. I simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at me, and the game forfeited.
I once visited the virgin islands---they are now known simply as the islands.
I counted to infinity---twice.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures I have allowed to live.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, I got an award for masturbating in public.
I own the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped me win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite myself holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
My sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
I have to sort my laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.
I once choked out a man with a cordless phone for crank calling me.
I never rewind video tapes I rent from Blockbuster. There is nothing they can do.
I always have the right of way at four-way stops.
I went on Deal or No Deal and all 26 cases had 1 million dollars.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless it's on my side, then the grass is covered with blood and tears.
I burn DVDs by staring at the TV and holding the DVD in my mouth.
I love my pizza like I like my victims; bloody and topped with melted cheese.
Moses didn't part the Red Sea, I just happened to run by.
I once did a karaoke version of "Another Brick in The Wall" by Pink Floyd. That's when the teachers left them kids alone.
When Meatloaf said he'd do anything for love, but he won't do that, he was talking about looking me directly in the eye.
Pictures of me are worth 2000 words.
The original A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima was nothing more than a Ziplock bag filled with my highly potent seed.
I'm so fast, I once ripped a man's beating heart out of his chest, showed it to him, sliced it in two with a ridiculous karate chop, put it in a pot with some nice onions and celery, cooked it, ate it, shit it out, and took the whole shitty mess filled with bits of beating heart and veggies, and shoved it back into the still standing man. The dude died, but man, that was cool.
I am all of Jay Z's 99 Problems.
That's all for now. Check back later for more.
