WHAT IT DO?
My mind state is back up. I`ve been waiting on a change to come, but that change aint came yet. Its really to personal too let you in on it so I`ll just leave it at that. Iam tired. Physically, Mentally and most of all Emotionally. So many people to please but not enough ways to please them and most of all not enough time to do it in.
No Days Off, is what I get. I cant fall into depression worring about others, can I? Yes its possible. But I ownt let it happen. Those I stress about I love so how can I not worry? When will it be time to focus on ME? Me the person, Me the man, Me the hustler? When I ask? If i dont worry about me and stay concerned with others will i PROGRESS? Not at all, so what do I have to do? Drop those that I love for things I feel fucking nothing for, though I have to do? The way I see it is if there is no me who is there to worry? But I`ve put myself into a position were I cant slack for one second. Nope not one living second. This goes back to my NO DAYS OFF. When will I get sleep? When I die? Naw wont happen. I think to my self how many of those I help take the time to ask me if iam ok? Not a one, but my mom. Boy do I love her. So how can I not be there when she needs me? How can I run out when times are hard? I CANT AND I WONT. I wonder how many other people are in my same position? Iam forced to stay in buffalo and atten college and work rather than to move and expirence life. Not fair you say? But thats me sticking to the script. Got a lil bra` to look out for, since his old man cant. But its not his olds mans fault, he was caught up in some things that he could not possibly get out of so I cant blame him. But that was 2 years ago? Old man were are you? I love my lil bra` but this aint my responsibility dude. Iam his brother, get it? Moms there dont get me wrong but she tired. She will be 40 November 27!! I am 25, lil bra` will be 13 in december and big bra is 23. We grown now so mom has somewhat left me and big bra` to ourselves. I agree with what she did. She raised us and now its time to go and see what I got. And i`ve got it I tell you, boout the smartest 25 year old you will ever meet. Just bought a 2 family house over the summer(13,670) was the price to be exact. Alot of trapping for that house but it was an investment. Bet I will never pay rent. And get this house is totally paid for. Iam working on my second house coming 2006 but I`ll keep you posted!
But back to what i was saying what am I to do about lil bra`? Kid has alot of anger built up inside cause he cant get any answers about his old man. Mom says thats he is not old enough to know what happend to his old man or were he is at for that matter. Mom said better for him not to know at this age. His old man is alive but is getting himself straight. So when lil bra ask me about him I odnt answer and that makes him mad at me so, its a no winning. He does his school work and keeps good grades but at home he wants to be alone. kinda sits in his room playing playstation or listening to music or talking on the phone. Kinda really dont mess with us. I understand what he is going through thats why what he does and says sometimes wont bother me. People, Iam stressed out. WHAT DO I DO?
Just a little quick writing, dont think i'm one who just bitches at life, but damn life is a bitch and she keeps bringin up shit day after day, i know where my mind is right now, and if only i had me a down-to-earth female, who i can chill with, talk to, open up to, confide in her my true feelings about my life, and things in my life. Then i would feel more at ease in the world, in this life. I want a big family someday, i want to be that father i know every child wants, that father i wanted in my life, but never was the lucky one to get.
we'll see how it goes down, till then i'm taking it one day at a time, and i guess to some points, loving it.
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