JeFF profile picture

JeFF

If It weren't for crazy I'd never know how to feel all the time.

About Me

This page hacked by its owner. S'right!
I'm a man who's all about the good times and the laughing, so I've decided to liven this profile-party up with some hilariously candid snapshots of hobos fighting for beer money and Courtney Love eating babies .
Click on the links... You are one with the Dark Side now. There is no escaping it...
More on moron-me: I can be very random and weird. I buried a hooker in Vegas. ...Now I know how that sounds, but she would've sung in a heartbeat, the spiteful hussy. I'm also a milk carton supermodel. I travel the world and bust my ass just to give you something pretty to look at over your morning coffee or bowl of cereal.
...Have you seen me?
If you're considering getting to know me from ground zero, I'd have to say, "run." Faster and faster-- faster still-- and then slow down, because what's the hurry really? Pace yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day.
No, I only kid you.
It really was.

My Interests

Tackling neighborhood dogwalkers and making Tarzan noises while doing so.
Also trying to make this happen:

I'd like to meet:

We may be Ms. Right (provided you are and I'm not) if we fall into this very generalized description:

A paraplegic dwarf-WASP from Reseda (or the general 91337 area)-- wrongfully-incarcerated-- who has commitment issues and a raging crack habit.
Must also be into Mozart --or Thrash Metal. (*but never Mozart AND Thrash Metal.) ...Unwavering and devoted servitude to the Dark Lord, Satan, always a plus.
Must find purple Herringbone-sequined jumpsuits "bitchin hot."
Must....stop.... shpai-da.....
Lastly-- can't stress this enough: Must love fungal growths.
(Sorry, no COD's.)

************************************
For those women who simply cannot live up to the ideal woman as outlined above, this randomly computer-mad-libbed description is your second grace:

I really would like to meet someone I can make obscene Play-doh sculptures with during the wee hours of the morning. I just don't have enough clean undies or aliases to go clubbing all the time, trying to score a restraining order, so I figure after a long day of working Main St. perhaps the internet is the biggest porn-supply at my disposal. ;)

Orange Bar of Friendship
I begged 53 people for a headshot:

Links to me again! This is pointless!!1

Linda Lou

Crystal

Denise

Eddie

Joel

Dave's Fonzie Collar

Chad

Go Friend-Fishing...

Music:

The Beatles
Pink Floyd
The Pixies
Alice in Chains
Radiohead
Audioslave
The Toadies
Pearl Jam
They Might Be Giants
Kings of Leon
Zakk Wylde
Metallica
...and Beatallica

Movies:

Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels
Fight Club
(All things Kevin Smith)
The Royal Tenenbaums
Shaolin Soccer
Boondock Saints
Memento
Amadeus
Office Space
Star Wars... IV, V, & VI, at least. ;)
Python
Every Beatles movie (purely out of infatuation rather than good taste)

Television:

Scrubs
The Office (UK & US)
Just about everything on Comedy Central
Arrested Development (R.I.P.)
Aquateen Hunger Force
Family Guy
Space Ghost Coast to Coast
Angel (R.I.P)

Books:

(Haven't read much in my day, but I'd recommend almost every book.)
Chuck Palahniuk's stuff...
Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass, Lewis Carroll
The Princess Bride, S. Morgenstern (a.k.a. William Goldman)
...and "Baseball, Hookers & Blow: The Babe Ruth Story," just so you don't picture me making daisy-chains and having stuffed animal tea parties after considering the above selections. that oughtta throw them off wait am i still typing

Heroes:

David Gilmour: My absolute favorite guitarist ever.
Chris Cornell: What a vocalist.
I'll also take a little Neil Peart on drums.
...Oh yeah, and throw in Primus's bass for some flay-vah!
As for songwriting, Lennon & McCartney (or "McCartney & Lennon," if the other guy's not around to mind.)
...And as long as we're having MacLennon, we may as well toss producer George Martin in, seeing as he rules so hard.

Sweet-- That does it! My dream-band is assembled!

...Was that not the point of this section? I'm terribly lost.

My Blog

Oh yeah, so I'm in this commercial now.

Oh yeah, so I'm in this commercial, cept my part is real short.  (O, ye... Jump thee not to conclusions, nor cast thee any aspersions about the in-seam of mine trouser pants for such an opening r...
Posted by JeFF on Fri, 23 Jun 2006 04:07:00 PST

And now, the moment I've all been waiting for... (*drumroll*)

Ladies and Gentlemen... I've ridden the tide.For years now, I've waited to see if this "inter-net" thing would take. Why buy a computer if it proves, like the Macarena and bathing, just a fad? Like ...
Posted by JeFF on Sun, 28 May 2006 02:06:00 PST

Beatallica

There's this band called Beatallica that Chad found online when we were roommates, and I just decided to see if they had a Myspace profile, since... who doesn't?Anyhow, check it out: Beatallica...Bas...
Posted by JeFF on Tue, 07 Feb 2006 09:02:00 PST

Well, if that isn't the sweetest....

I'd like to thank Linda and Laura ("Teddy-Bear"-something-or-other) on the b-day wishes, although I don't mean anyone any ill will by not mentioning their name (since they didn't mention me... hehe). ...
Posted by JeFF on Sat, 21 Jan 2006 12:50:00 PST

There is a word for the act of calling someone a bastard.

Just dropped in (on a friend's computer, surprise, surprise) to say hi to everybody all at once.  And yes, it is more than a tad presumptuous of me to assume that people would flock to my new blo...
Posted by JeFF on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 11:56:00 PST

Less Jeff for the Meantime...

Well, I wouldn't call it a "falling-out," but I sort of was irresponsible while using my roommate's computer, so for now my online-opportunities are limited. (Not what you're thinking, you perverts.....
Posted by JeFF on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Damnit, where's the funny been lately?

I can't think of anything to write about, and what's the point in writing something that I can't try to put a comical spin on? *sigh* ... Yes, I ended both clauses in that last sentence with pr...
Posted by JeFF on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Lengthy but Sour

Here's the "long" version of what I could've made into a short rant. I've got 3 roommates, all of them very good friends of mine who date back to high school. Not that any of us dated, we... You'r...
Posted by JeFF on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Short but Sweet

I love it when burps act as punctuation to whatever you're saying or singing. A well-timed burp after affirming your point in a debate, or properly-synchronized to accentuate the hook of an 80's love...
Posted by JeFF on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Joe & Arnold

Ahoy, Myspace-cadets! I've actually got some-- what do people usually call them-- life experiences that I can write about for once!! I always thought those only happened to other people, but I'm s...
Posted by JeFF on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST