To avoid any further misunderstanding about myself and my accomplishments, I have outlined a few below...
I manage time efficiently. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. I'm a dynamic figure and have been known to rip apart 2 phone books at a time. Occasionally, I turn water into beer. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I'm an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, and was scouted by the New York Rangers. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding.
On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I'm an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I never perspire. I bat .400. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Moby-Dick, and Idiots Guide to UNIX in one day and still had time to build a dining room table from scratch and to pluck my nose hairs. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.
I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; I never wear underwear. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. My grandfather invented the questionmark which I'm constantly improving upon. I have the personal cell phone number of Frank Barbano. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I never, ever, made a film with Pamela Lee.
