Since I am too lazy to actually write something about myself, I decided to put some quotes in here.
"We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology."
"Think of how many religions attempt to validate themselves with prophecy. Think of how many people rely on these prophecies, however vague, however unfulfilled, to support or prop up their beliefs. Yet has there ever been a religion with the prophetic accuracy and reliability of science?"
--Carl Sagan
"If life gives you lemons make lemonade..and then find a friend whose life has given them vodka and have a party" --Ron White
"I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. 'Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizzeria locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.'"
"I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one ... but I *did* hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell 'fore,' but I was too busy mumbling, 'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.' I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole."
"I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, 'Let me have a bun.' But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, 'All right, well, put some lettuce on it,' which she did. She said, 'That'll be $1.75.' I said, 'It's for a duck.' And they said, 'All right, well, then it's free.' See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. 'Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!'"
"I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me because she said, 'OK, how would you like your eggs, sir?' I tried to answer anyhow: 'Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Shit, it's gonna take a while. I do not have time. Scrambled. You fuckin' confused me.'"
--Mitch Hedberg
*A handicap parking sign does not signify that the spot is for handicapped people. It is actually, in fact, a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
"Suicide Hotline... Please hold"
"100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?"
"All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand"
"Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk"
"Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking."
"Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That"
"Don't steal, the government hates competition."
John Lennon - "Imagine"
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
