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I'm not really here to meet anyone so I'm going to put funny things in this spot instead.Anger ManagementWhen you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don'ttake it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I dialed what I thought was Robyn's number.A man answered, saying, "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled in my ear, "There's no Robyn here! Get the right f**king number!" and he slammed down the phone on me.I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude! When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"It always cheered me up.When Caller ID was introduced, I thought for sure my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in hisback window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?""Yes, it is," he said."Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked."Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd., in Ventura. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.""What's your name?" I asked."My name is Don Hansen," he said."When's a good time to catch you, Don?""I'm home every evening after five.""Listen, Don, can I tell you something?""Yes?""Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an awesome idea. Icalled Asshole #1."Hello.""You're an asshole!" But I didn't hang up."Are you still there?" he asked."Yeah," I said."Stop calling me," he screamed."Make me," I said."Who are you?" he asked."My name is Don Hansen.""Yeah? Where do you live?""Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Ventura., a yellow house,with my black Beamer parked in front."He said, "I 'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said."Hello, asshole!" I said.He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...""You'll what?" I said."I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that Ilived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Ventura, and that I was on my way over there to kill my unfaithful gay lover.Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd., Ventura.I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got here just in time to watch the two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.NOW I feel much better!Anger Management really DOES work!Hospital Phone MenuHOSPITAL PHONE MENUHello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.Please select from the following options menu:If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,stay on the line so we can trace your call.If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to theMother Ship.If you have short-term memory loss, press 8. If you have short-term memoryloss, press 8. If you have short-term memory loss, press 8.If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tellyou which number to press.If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,nothing will make you happy anyway.If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before thebeep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.If you have low self-esteem, please hang up - our operators are too busyto talk with you.If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, liedown and cry. You won't be crazy forever.If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. Living My Life BackwardsI want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.MOVE ALL HTML CODES (IMAGES/WIDGETS/SLIDESHOWS/VIDEOS) BELOW THIS CODE