I used to be pretty wild, but now I'm feeling the pressure of what's next, and what I have accomplished in life. I'm much more caculated in my older years. Guess age does that to all of us at one point or another. I still like to think that age is a state of mind!
Risk and taking a chance is what makes me tick. It is sometimes exciting and at the same time scarey for me, although, I take risks every day. Some work out, some don't. TO HAVE RISKED NOTHING, IS TO HAVE LOST...WHO SAID THAT? Seriouly, they were right. Sooo many opportunities present themselves every day and a wise person can see and feel them if you are in tune with yourself. Once I identify it, I need to make a decision. You can't wait..something to do with the old adage, "if you snooze, you loose." Not always the best recommendation, especially if you are messing with your own or someone else's heart. Mine breaks far too easily. I don't want to be wondering in my old age..."I wonder what would have happened if I did this or that, or if I hadn't?" Sometimes I get myself into jams that I wish I had stayed away from and sometimes I have the most wonderful experiences anyone can imagine...especially ones of the heart, but when it gets broken, because of my own stupidity (already having known better), I get pretty pissed off at myself and that anger turns to unbearable heartache that I think will never go away. Eventually it does and I can get on with my life, but while it's happening I feel like it will last a lifetime. Quite honestly, some things I've done and some people I love will live on forever in a small place, deep inside my heart (you know who you are). I try not to walk down that road too often because it hurts too much. There is always a different road to take, thank God. The ocean is my place in the world. It doesn't matter which one or where it is. I'm a certified diver. The power, unpredictability and wonder of the open ocean freaks me out! You can see it and feel it, but you can't change it or control it. It is, what it is. It's a spiritual feeling I can't describe. I spend as much time there as possible...how can you not and live in Hawaii? lol
I need to keep busy. Idle time seems to get me into trouble. Or should I say, "I get into trouble with too much idle time!" Nursing is my passion. I find peace in my heart taking care of sick people. To make someone smile and hold them in my arms while they are dying, gives me a strange sort of joy and peace. It's hard to explain. I sort of feel like I'm with them and they know it and can feel my compassion...it seems to take away the fear. I always wisper in their ear, "I'll see you when I get there" and this feeling of comfort for both of us is overwhelming. I never say goodbye, it's too permanent.
I am very much into honesty and reality. Sometimes it feels good, sometimes it hurts. Don't fool yourself..it gets you nowhere. Just another one of those personal growth things to work on. Trust is an issue with me. I expect to be trusted, but I won't trust you. Trust is something that is earned and if you burn me once, mayyybeeee you'll get another chance, but usually it's, see ya! I am still trying to get over the fact that it's not what people say, it's what they do. What a difficult concept for me to accept. Just because I am honest in doing what I say and say what I do, I think everyone else is that way...wake the hell up, girl! Somebody slap me, will ya? Hard! Life is too short for negativity and crap. Easy to say, but difficult to live that way. I would like to focus my energy towards positive things, the result is much more gratifying. I am quite a serious person, however, spontaneity certainly plays a big role in my life. I love to laugh and have fun! READY, SET, GO! :) Let's see who gets there first, and more importantly, how they got there. Stay grounded and in tune with yourself. Most people don't know that such a thing exists. And, don't try to change people...that was a hard one for me to learn. Just like the ocean, they are what they are. You can choose to stay or walk...painfully walk, sometimes.
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