I was born in Hammersmith and raised in the Tory hotspot of Ickenham. I didn't overstand the importance of trying hard at school until I'd left, by which point it was too late to rectify the situation. I don't know much about music, films, sport, whittling, being a woman, or cars, but I have an extensive (and on the whole fairly useless) knowledge of comics, Doctor Who and cartoons from both the eighties and the modern day. When will any of these specialist subjects come in handy? That's right: never.
I enjoy gardening. Growing some tomatos and chilis right now (not this very second, but you know what I mean). I like to wear waistcoats with jeans and pencil ties, but I rarely get the chance to do so. I love Frat Pack films, particularly those starring Will Ferrell, and love working quotes form their films into day to day conversation.
I hate having to repate myself. I like people that can make me laugh. Laughing is good for the soul. I'm proud of not drinking, smoking or taking recreational drugs. I like chatting to people, although I find it much much easier when I know them. I like to drink coffee. I hate having to repeat myself.
I can't stand these foul adverts that are shown during daytime TV telling idiots that have got themselves in thousands of pounds of debt that if they sign up with Company X then they'll end up paying less money per month etc. I detest the swine that buy into this stuff even more. How hard is it to realise that you'll end up paying more in the long run? These loathsome cretins deserve whatever happens to them if they're going to be so stupid and malleable. I think that British society is falling down around our ears and the government isn't interested in doing anything to stop it. All the Partys are the same in this regard. None of them care enough to try figuring out a solution to the kids illegally buying alcohol and cigarettes and wasting their youth drinking cheap vodka whilst in the midst of a narcotics-enduced stupor in the local park. If this carries on the country will fall to pieces by the 2050s.
My ambition is to write at least one novel that makes it to print. This implies I've already written a novel. I haven't, but I'd like to. If I can one day walk into a book store and see a book for sale with my name on the front then I will have acheived my dream.
Finally, I also enjoy a good pair of slacks. Years later doctors will tell me I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call "mentally retarded".
To be honest I'm running out of things to put here, so I shall simply jot down a piece of advice once given to me...
It was a murky old day in High Wycombe. I'd travelled there with an old pal who shall remain nameless for legal reasons. We'd headed over that way to visit the Hellfire Caves. We got into High Wycombe easily enough, but couldn't for the life of us figure out which bus to take from the bus depot to the Caves. We asked an employee which bus to take and he ended up producing the single greatest piece of advice I've ever had. That's pretty amazing when you realise it's not even, strictly speaking, a piece of advice. Here it is, recreated in the written format, from it's original verbal prefix;
"The Hellfire Caves? Harharharhar! You got no 'ope lads! Y'may aswell give up now! Unless a'course you take the number 327."
Beautiful advice from a beautiful man.
This section has been about me.
