Mike

For the thousands in attendance and the millions watching at home, allow myself to introduce ... myself. Although the details of my life are quite inconsequential... so very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from East L.A with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for beating the shit out of people. My mother was a fifteen year old French maid named Claudia with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink shiltz beer. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Mountlake Terrace, boxing lessons at Hilltop Elementary, Egging peoples houses, knocking mail boxes over with trash cans, while driving my escort. In the spring we'd make meat helmets and my brothers would give me indian and rug burns. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my chest hair. At the age of fourteen Mrs. Baxter, my middle school english teacher ritualistically shaved my testicles. There is really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it. I am now living in Tempe, AZ going to school for Construction Management and working at a cost analysis company for construction loans and the Oasis as a B and F server and I hate my life. no I don't but it is relatively funny to say when your drunk...