Phil

I've wasted the first half of my life and it looks like I'm well on the way to wasting the rest. I'm a moody bastard, a writhing, agonized disaster of a human being. I'm also self-obsessed, constantly pre-occupied with my mental state, various personal issues, and the perception that others have of me. I'm weak and needy, I know that, but that's what makes me a great friend to have. If you know me you can call me any time and I'll come running to your aid in any way that I can if at all possible, eager to please. Most people don't realize this, however, as I appear anti-social, so they tend to leave me alone. This is probably a good thing, because I have a hard time telling when I've gone too far and have been known to wear out a few welcomes. I tend to spend a lot of time and energy reliving old memories, past conflicts, mostly; analyzing and re-analyzing them from various angles for hours, trying to figure out what happened. When I'm not stuck in the past I'm usually over-analyzing present experience. I build myself up then tear myself back down again on a daily basis. At a certain point, however, my debilitating self-consciousness, self absorbtion, and general weakness shifts gears and I become an obsessed madman on a mission, totally willing to destroy myself just to prove a point. I mistake this trait for strength and conviction when it's probably a sign of mental illness. In a matter of minutes I can go from bored indifference to agitation to lust to anger to hatred to resentment to rage to hopelessness to joy and overwhelming compassion then back to indifference. This happens several times a day, I really should settle down. I also have a problem with desire (this is part of the human condition). I have a tendency to fixate upon certain females and have to make a constant conscious effort to resist this tendency, otherwise I can go from zero to stalker in less than a minute. Managing the surging tide of desire and psychic energy is a difficult but important thing to do, especially when you continually feel the urge to succumb to it. I place the blame for this mess on a combination of my father (a chaotic, overbearing presence, to say the least), economic forces (which are corrupt), human nature (which is weak and deluded), socio-political oppression, my personal failings (which are legion), and the fact that a life dominated by crappy jobs and random distractions is not worth living. Oh, I'm sorry, have I said too much?