Red Blemish

Red was originally a particle physicist whose job was to develop emission control devices for the Malfeasian Fleet's lepton drives.As most everyone knows this type of work exposes beings to hazordous emissions. This resulted in Red developing physical and mental changes. These changes, namely a forty point drop in I.Q. and multiple appendages, left Red taking on the exact characteristics of the Malfeasian ruling class.The Malfeasians, being no different than any other race, took exception to this and decided to get rid of Red at the first opportunity.This opportunity occurred in 1993, when the Malfeasians were testing one of Red's designs near the vicinity of Earth. Test vessels are stripped down versions of regular fleet ships, -[when they crash you don't loose as much money]-, and have no facilities. So when Red needed to make a pit stop the crew landed in rural Oregon and let him out to take care of business. Of course when he came out of the brush the test vessel was gone. Red was stranded in Oregon.Now as with most stories there are good and bad news parts. The main good news about Red being stranded in Oregon was, no one would take notice of his multiple appendages. The main bad news was, Red left his ID aboard the ship. This of course meant getting a beer and a job were pretty much out of reach. (No pun intended.)Things were looking pretty dismal for Red at this point and depression soon set in. This depression combined with the ruling class deffects led Red to attempt malfeasicide.Malfeasicide is not easy, especially on this planet, so Red had his work cut out for him. (No pun intended.) The most painless way was determined to be throwing *hisself off a cliff or other abyss which involved a fall of at least 2000 feet. (Due to technical details beyond the scope of this web document we won't go into why at least 2000 feet were required. Simply put, Malfeasins cannot reach "terminal" (no pun intended) velocity in earth's weak gravitational field at any height less than 2000 feet.)Other options were considered and the only way Red could actually commit malfeasicide at his present location was to walk his sorry Malfeasian behind out of the brush, quickly find a certain FFR (fast food restaurant) and eat a sandwich named after an earth personal computer. Sure, the pain would be excruciating but what else could Red do.This was easily acomplished, -[Those FFR's are like blackberries. No matter how many times you destroy them they keep growing back in even more locations than the original ones]- and just five minutes after ingesting the poison Red was writhing in agony all over creation.Now most humans have never seen a Malfeasian writhing in agony, especially one with a ruling class appearance. You can just imagine what the populace in that rural Oregon town saw. Or at least what they thought they saw.(Yes I Know. This biographer stated before that a multiple appendaged Malfeasian wouldn't be noticed in Oregon but we're talking "writhing in agony" here.)Red was bouncing, jerking, convulsing, knocking over trash cans and parking meters. -[Yep, even the boonies have 'em]. Red destroyed multiple road signs, crushed four dogs, including a huge St. Bernard, destroyed three acres of plants, grass and shrubs before finally winding up in the middle of the main street.Unfortunately at this same time a logging truck driven by a particularly nasty dispositioned individual, -[former math professor]-, was headed in Red's direction. Seeing the multiple appendaged Malfeasian wirthing in agony in the middle of the road, the trucker at once thought he saw a giant inside out tarantula. He made a bee line for "it" and had it not been for a group of migrating musicians heading for Portland the world would have surely lost Red.The migrating musicians formed a human chain across the street in front of the oncoming logging truck. The trucker, having been conditioned all his life by Oregon naturalists and whale savers, immediately stopped the the truck in the middle of the street and cell phoned the Forest Service.In the mean time and fortunately for us, one of the migrating female musicians, having had experience with writhing in agony Malfeasians, -[She was from New Mexico]-, went to work at saving Red's life.Judging correctly that this was a malfeasicide attempt in rural Oregon she knew she had to get a poisonous FFR personal computer named sandwich out of Red's system. She immediatley sang an aria from the rock opera Tommy and sure enough Red "let it all hang out."If you thought the convulsions were bad from the ingestion you should have witness these convulsions. The remaining parking meters, four more acres of plants and several farm animals were destroyed before Red was expunged. Also he had tore off all but four of his appendages. Fortunately the remaining appendages were in such positions that Red would look just like any earther as soon as his skin grew back.Too make a long story somewhat shorter this biographer will now be succint.(For those of you who are wondering where the local police were during all of this, a simple explanation is in order. The week prior to Reds misery they had been donated a brand new BR (battering ram) by a group of altruistic distillery owners. Peace officers get real excited when they get a new toy and jump at the first chance to try it out. This chance occurred when they were invited by federal agents to attend a raid of some sort in Cleveland, Ohio. Naturally they boarded the first flight they could get and were on site in no time. They were of course quickly heart broken when they saw the size of the federal battering rams. Miserable and dejected they abandoned their brand new BR in the motel room they were staying at, quit their jobs and were never heard from again.)After surving his malfeasicide attempt, Red joined the friendly migrating musicians. While traveling North with this band Red was cured of his malfeasicidal depression by the same lovely girl who had saved his life. (It turned out she had a doctorate in Malfeasian pyschology.)As a result Red fell in love with her. She didn't reciprocate. This combined with the fact Red couldn't get a job nor beer left him with no choice but to become a musician. (At least being a musician got him some beer).Now eight years later you can hear the results.
Orange's origins lie (no pun intended) in a foreign country. In fact, Orange's life began in the clean room of a large Japanese drum machine manufacturing company. (Hereafter referred to as LJDMMC.)How this came about is really not all that strange. Allow me to explain. You see, as everyone knows, drummers have certain tendencies not found in other species. The main one being their bizarre attitude towards answering "drummers wanted classifieds". Another one is their reluctance to show up, and of course the tendency to be loud is almost impossible to control.These known characteristics of drummers resulted in the invention of electronic replacements and created wealth and happiness amongst a large sector of the human race. The Japanese were happy from all the money they were making off of Americans, and musicians everywhere were happy for a while, because the emotional trauma created by drummers was cured by their electronic replacements, "The Drum Machine."Of course as it always is on Earth good things come to an end. The end here being the lack of feel and soul of these so called electronic "human rythm composers".As the demand for the machines decreased the owners of the LJDMMC had their marketing people undertake a major research project to find out how to regain their sales.It wasn't long before they determined -(by countless questionaires disguised as song contests)- that the only way to get back on top was to design a hybrid drum machine created from silicon and human DNA. This would hopefully result in a self learning, sentient drum device with all the skills and "feels" (no pun intended) of a human drummer only with perfect timing plus the essential volume control and off switch.This suggestion was immediately put into action by the owners of the LJDMMC as they weren't really electrical engineers but bio-chemists who after getting their PHD's couldn't find a job. This led them to spend their idle hours playing with electronics and writing text books about their hobby. Soon these text books were snatched up by all the technologic universities and monthly book clubs and they were millionaires before anybody could figure out what was really going on. They quickly re-invested this money into drum machines and the rest is history. (Well, this biographer's interpretation.)Now, as everyone knows to create such a device, the alternating phosporic acid and deoxyribose blocks of the DNA helixes had to be modified. This modification required the substitution of certain phosphoric acid molecules with silconic acid molecules. Most critical to the process was irridation with an electromagnetic source in the ten to one hundred nanometer range (UV). That's (100 to 1000 Angstroms for our friends in Texas.) (For our biologist type fans please note that the four bases ATGC, were left un-modified.)Because of concern for the safety of fans and surfers we will not go into exact details of how this was attempted but suffice it to say the LJDMMC researchers were expecting to take the resultant bio-mass and dope it with black phosphorous and arsenic to create the required semi-conductors. (Boron was not used for obvious reasons.)Once this was accomplished all that was left was to expose it once again to an electromagnetic field of a certain wave length, namely a really bright spot light.This would produce the self-constructing drum device with the same dimensions, pads, sliders, appearance, volume controls and off switches as their most popular model. The difference being of course you had to feed, water and talk nice to it. It would do the rest (no pun intended).At this point I will accelerate this bio as I know the reader is probably already complaining. Before doing so this biographer would like to say that for those who are interested, the complete Orange Blemish story will be available in a forthcoming book, "The Legend Of Red" due out next year some time. Okay here's the short version of this tragically happy bio.The big day to create the first proto-type finally arrived and every employee of the LJDMMC was in jammed into the finest, best equipped, most modern in the world, clean room. The modifications to the DNA double helix was set up and all systems were checked and re-checked and the go was given to proceed. The silconic acid substitutions went without a hitch but at the most critical part, the irradation with UV, the largest earthquake in Japan's history occured. Bad timing. (No pun intended.)The earthquake caused the electromagnetic source (EMS) to malfunction and instead of exposing the modified DNA to UV the EMS shot the DNA with massive charges of gamma and xray radiation. (That's 1/1000 to 10 Angstroms for our friends in Texas.)It's hard to describe the smell, the terror, the screaming, the sparks, the smoke, and the cursing (done mostly in English) that ensued but, it would be accurate to say that it very closely resembled a scene in a ficticious movie, if it were created from senate hearing footage, a 1930s Frankenstein movie vignette and an 80's glam rock video where the guitarists are crawling along the stage like snakes while the key grip is over-using the smoke machines.Once the smoke, noise, smell and confusion abated an even more hysterical scene followed, for standing in the middle of the most advanced clean room in the world, before hundreds of dedicated serious Japanese scientists, was an "okii hadaka ke hakuzin" Loosely translated this means a big hairy naked white dude.Security personnel as well as the researchers immediately converged on this individual like he was responsible for increasing American import taxes on Japanese autos.But before reaching him a strange thing happened that stopped them in their tracks. The okii hadaka ke hakuzin spoke, sort of, but the phonetics were not words but sounds; "Bomp Pfft, Bomp Bomp Pfft. Bomp Pfft, Bomp Bomp Pfft", the universal languageof the 8 Beat 1!! The scientists knew they had something but what?Order was immediatley restored by security as the researchers began covering up their accidental creation and rushed it off to a top secret LJDMMC facility located in Sapporo, right next to the zoo.
The following data was extracted (at great cost) from a member of the band...............:BLUE is originally from North Carolina and has lived and played in New York, Minnesota, Florida, Georgia, Washington, California, Texas, New Mexico and Oregon.Blues' first instrument was the trumpet and from there he moved on to the guitar, keys and anything else he could get his hands on.His forte is in developing some of the craziest fills and solos ever perpetrated on the record buying public and never missing a party.Blue has made Portland, Oregon his home base for the past several years and can be occasionally found filling in with bands on the west coast.His current work with the Red Blemish band can be heard on the projects "Something Wrong Somewhere," "Stress Relief" and "Red's Xmas, all released in 2001 and on the current 2002 release, "87a."GREEN's bio, based on a true story, will fill your hearts and souls with wet warm understanding and the need to know more.Of how he was forced to practice the guitar and made to listen to accordian music will move you to a new understanding of the triumph of the human spirit and how people can overcome any odds to obtain justice and membership in a commercial band. (Well, a somewhat commercial band.)You will be made angry when discovering Green's relatives forced him to play the tambourine and sing harmony in his families traveling Broadway show.You will shout with joy when you learn how Green broke free of his bonds, tied up his family and forced them to listen to sight read Metallica solo's.Green's story is an inspiration to us all and will be hailed as the musical success story of the century.---------------------------------------------------- ------ ** Red Blemish and his agents deny any responsibility for the accuracy of this information. *** hisself is perfectly acceptable grammar in Malfeasian society.
I edited my profile with Guiness !