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Who is this Damian?
I'm 15 years old and a sophmore.
Chuck Norrisisms
Due to excessive gayness involving Chuck Norris, All Chuck Norrisisms are now Jack Bauerisms
- Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciated irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- On the 7th Day God rested, and Chuck Norris took over.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot borke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
- Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, " Don't Fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius went deaf.
- To prove cancer isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
- Chcuk Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus's obvious gift favoritism, used their conbined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse..horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
- When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from dath.
- Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
- After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was "More humane."
- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
- Chuck Norris like to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
- Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctore if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
- The original theme song for the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise, " and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Deceptions and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into two.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in an hour. He spent the first 50 minutes banging his waitress.
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he send blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Filming location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lam back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, taketh away.
- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13, 000 percent.
- Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard. There is only anohter fist.
- There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
- In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris's Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of Parkinson's disease.
- Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC, and tequila.
- Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocause.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down!
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There was no survivors.
- In an average living room there are 1, 242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At this point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
- Chuck Norris isn't lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself, he's pushing the Earth down.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. twice.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
- When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
- Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kickes the cows and the butter comes straight out.
- Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
- Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
- Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighert II" video game, but was removed by Beat Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch, " Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
- Contrary to popular belief, America is not a deomcracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. - Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in with Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Alber Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
- Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
- There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
- A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
- When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
- Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK(Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
- In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
- A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billions words.
- Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
- While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
- There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team"...not even close.
- An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
- Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
- Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium San Diego.
- Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullert, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
- Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are composed primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
- The Sherman tank was originally called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition. - Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
- Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion USA" is, in fact, a documentary.
- Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
- Anytime someone is elected president in the US, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every federal, state, and local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
- Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
- Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris's favorite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
- When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
- Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
- Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
- In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roudhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That's the story of the universe.
- What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division."
- Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughable pathetic.
- Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
- Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
- How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
- In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kicks Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hermisphere. Anywhere.
- Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
- Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." The is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two place at the same time.
- Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Takken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
- Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
- Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
- For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
- Chuck Norris isn't Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
- Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sew his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
- During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
- Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
- Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1, 000 miles became pregnant instantly.
- Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
- 27. The number of fatal roundhouse-kicks to the face Chuck Norris has given to other people in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
- Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn't own a pager or a cell phone. He is always around everyone, everwhere. If you need to contact him, whisper, "Hey Chuck Norris" and he will turn his head to the right and say "what?"
- 10x10=Chuck Norris
- So fed up of his slow computer system at hime, Chuck Norris pissed anabolic steriouds and increased it performance.
- Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step father.
- Ask not what Chuck Norris can do for you, but what can you do for Chuck Norris?
- Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that is why there are no signs of life there.
- Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
- Chuck Norris never has to force a confession out of a convicet. They all spill their guts immediately...and literally.
- The opening scene of Saving Private Ryan is loosely based on a game of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
- ZOMG MORE TO COME
- Taylor Is the Female Version of Chuck Norris
- Laurie Is the Male Version of Chuck Norris...without a penis
Vitals /////////
Age :: 15
Body :: Six
Status :: My Girlfriend is quite pretty.
Here for :: Friends
Orientation :: Straight
Hometown :: Florida
Ethnicity :: White
Occupation :: Whore
Music :: Favorite Bands Recently have been The Decemberists, Neutral Milk Hotel, Broken Social Scene, and The Flaming Lips
Books :: To Kill A Mocking Bird, Brave New World, The Outsiders, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Movies :: Matrix, Garden State, King Kong, more later
swannwastaken :: art
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Eh?"He had agalmatophilia with a touch of automatonophobia. "
AfterthoughtI like girls who like girls, or girls who put it in their headline to appease me...aka Blair XD