My name is Beepants Larry. A lot of people tell me I have a weird name, but I don't know what the hell they're babbling about. They must be on delicious crack or something. There's lots of famous people that have the same name as me - like Larry Hagman, Larry King and Larry from Three's Company. I've been told I'm strong as an ox and twice as smart.
I did some hard time right after high school. I don't know what came over me, abducting that Girl Scout like that. Sometimes you just NEED a Thin Mint, you know what I'm saying? But I learned my lesson in prison. I also learned how to kill a man by making a shiv out of torn-out Bible pages and dried toothpaste. I won't lie to you, it's come in handy on a few occasions.
I'm currently unemployed, but I get by selling Plasma TV's on Ebay. Boy, people sure get mad when you don't actually deliver them, and I've got the hilarious emails to prove it. It's only short-term though. I'm going to be a multi-millionaire as soon as I help this Nigerian banker transfer funds out of his country, so get on the gravy train while you can.
I live in an apartment above a Greek pizza/sub shop, which is really cool because there's always enough tinfoil in the dumpster to cover my windows. That way, I can go about my business without worrying about the Pleiadians controlling my thoughts and instructing me to wipe out my entire family. God help us all if that tinfoil ever came off.
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