WARNING THIS STORY WAS VERY HARD TO REVEAL AND I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BUT IM GONNA PUT IT ALL OUT THERE SO PLEASE DONT TALK TO ME ABOUT IT THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME IF YOUR GONNA READ IT READ IT AND THINK WHAT YOU WANT BUT DONT ASK ME QUESTIONS IF YOU SEE ME IN PERSON SOON YOU GUYS WILL KNOW WHY IM THE WAY I AM
My story...
When i was little i grew up in Winchendon up on school street across from Toy Town Horse, after my little sisters were born my parents packed up our shit and we moved to a small town called Royalston, i had a big brother like friend up the road which i really needed at the time. Me and my friend werent the same age but we hUng out all the time. He went to college and I dont see him that much anymore. After that i started hanging out with the wrong crowd when i was about 13. Shit happened but i never get caught. I made two best friends and i thought they were going to make it with me to the end. Then my freshman year those two strayed away from me and they ended up dropping out of school. A little after that i started working Full time in the summer with my dad I didnt have time to do much I didnt really have a life I would just work and go home. Scary shit happened when i was with my dad and i regret everything that did happen i wish we had a distant relationship cause the relationship we had kind of fucked me up. My sophmore year started, and i still didnt really have a life i was still working with my dad, i never really left my house either i would just sleep, a little after that I caught an old friend, didnt really get to see him much either ever since i moved to royalston, but he invited me over a couple times, and we really reconnected and became best friends all over again, when i became friends with this person i didnt realize how misrible and depressed i was untill i started hangin out with him even more, i started going over all the time, but the more i started going over the more distant from the world i became and i started having a split personality, i would be wicked outgoing at my friends house but back at school way far away I was depressed and didnt rele talk to anyone, i look back and looked at myself as kind of an asshole the way i treated people, this made me go crazy as i watched myself split into two totally different people and i was the only one who could see it, not too long later going over and hangin out with my friends wasnt too satisfying anymore, i was still depressed, after that i found one good way to make everything better, i started takin pills to make me sleep when i got home from school i would take pills mostly motion sickness pills just enough to make me sleep so i didnt have to deal with things, so i would go through life faster, and that worked as well as me drownin my sorrows, yep i was getting so bad that i was drinking every single weekend and about 10 times tryed to drink so much that i wouldnt make it through the nite. Summer hit i started working full time with my dad again, things went fast pace we were working 50-60 hours a week more if we worked sunday, at first i thought this was gonna be my way out of my depression but it made it way worse, about the second week in the summer we were building a deck, and it was to the point where everytime my dad would go get a tool out of his truck or talk on his cell phone around the corner i would cry a little mostly inside and when hed come back i would hide my tears, i went to go hold up a board and my dad went to go nail it i just dropped it, it wasnt that heavy but i was so tired of being depressed i had no strength my dad started yellin at me, i pick the board up and held it up, again my dad went to go nail it and i dropped the board, my dad started screamin "zack whats up with you lately we dont got time we need to move." I said back at him softly "I dont know whats wrong I cant lift the board." (the board was a small 2x8 four feet long) I went to lift it again, i dropped it a third time. My dad started yelling again, im not really sure what he said to me that day that made me so mad but when he said it i got angry for about 5 seconds and started crying right in front of him. My dad said "zack u need some time off." I took about a week off from work, i was beat but time off is what i needed but after i left work i realized i worse off i was going back, if that makes sense i dont know it didnt matter what i did, if i stayed and worked, or if i just quit my job and stay at home the whole summer, so thats what i did... I quit my job, totally stunned my dad, at this point i was at home for the summer, every single day i just slep, i slep all day crying in my bed, i just didnt feel good, i talk online with my friends kept stayin in touch to a little civilazation, my mom and dad would drag me out of the house every once in a while, after a while i started cutting myself again, not as bad as i did when i was 13 cause i was more afraid of someone finding out, every single nite i would cry and i decided i was gonna make it all better, i started sneakin out at nite and walkin down the road from my house walking to this water fall, i dreamed about jumpin into the waterfall and endin my pathetic life over 10 times, 4 nites in a row i would go to this waterfall staring at it crying, ive never cryed so much in my life, well the 5th nite i was definelty gonna do this i was gonna finally jump into the waterfall, that nite i was talkin to my best friend, he wanted me to come down and hang with him, i shrugged i figured id go hang out with him one last time, so i went over the next day, my best friend was online talkin to some girl i asked who it was, he told me and i said does she ever come down and party with u guys? He said no, Joking around he sent her a IM sayin Zack wants u to come party with him, i told him naaaa im all set and didnt rele want anything to do with anyone at the time, she replied maybe, i went home that nite thinking about alot of things even my family finding me dead, i didnt go to the waterfall that nite and didnt plan on it untill i told someone about it, i met this girl online never met her in my life, but i trusted her and we had been talkin online for 3-4 months so i planned on tellin her about wat i was going to do, she wasnt online that nite, so i didnt do it that nite, i started (thinking maybe i should stop putting this off and get it over with) the next day my mom stayed home from work, She had mentioned she was takin a ride into winch and was gonna be driving there a lot more so if i wanted to go see my friend more i could, this made me feel a little better my best friend was all i had at the time, so i put my trip to the waterfall off a little more gained a little more time and started being a little more happy, before i left that day my friend said that the girl he talked to a week before said that she was asking about me, not thinkin much of it i cant get involved in anything right now, my friend said "why not its not like u got anyone else" not knowing how much impact he put on me cause of how i was feelin, i almost lost it right in front of him and started crying again, i looked at him visciously, but then back down and said ill hang out with her sometime, yea tell her that would be cool, after i left that day i brushed it off my shoulders and said i dont need to be gettin attached to anyone right now, i went home that nite, waiting for my long distant friend to log online so i could tell her what i was about to do, this was perfect cause my whole family was out of the house and i could easily get to the waterfall with no one finding out, i got an IM, exactly how i greet people online, a box popped up on my screen "hola", i noticed that when i talked to this girl she reminded me of myself, i said back to her "hola" we started talkin and the more i pushed to scare her away she kept talkin to me and later in the conversation i started getting serious and talkin to her, it was really weird how close our personalities and likes dislikes were almost the same, after i was done talkin to her, she wanted me to come hang out down at my friends house she said she would meet me there, i lit right up and just a little bit inside of me wanted to meet this mystery girl, i said ok, the next day i was a little better inside but then for some reason i just didnt want to start anything and let it end in disaster, i didnt show, i told her i had to babysit as dissapointed as this girl was she said "another time"? and i just said "i dont know if theyll be another time, perhaps" i logged offline. I did random things to try to keep myself from being depressed like making funny videos, or chilling with my brother, but for some reason no matter how hard i tryed i couldnt keep myself from being upset, i planned on going to pats the next day cause my brother was in my room and i couldnt sneak out my window to go to the waterfall, the next day i went to my friends house chilled for a little bit, i was outside in the driveway eating dinner talkin to a couple of friends, i saw one of my friends walking down the road with another girl, i looked and right off the bat i knew it was that girl that i blew off, so i tryed to throw a little humor so she wouldnt think i was a total asshole, i held up a peice of chicken and said "Hey Taylor wanna clean my chicken bone" and i heard her laugh i dont kno wat it was it might have been the sound of her voice but i still wasnt sure i just stopped for a sec and said i kind of want to meet her now, but tryed to snap myself out of it, hangin out with my friends that nite made me think of all the good and the bad times, i went for a bike ride in winchendon and hadnt done that in a long time, looking at all the places we went made me even more sad, i started thinking maybe im home sick, and i need to move back to winchendon, but then i started thinking that it would just end the same way... in RIP, later that nite my friend said that Taylor was gonna come over and i knew she was gonna bring that girl, my friends mom then said she didnt want those two girls to come over they were nothing but trouble, so i was plannin on just lettin paula catch them so i didnt have to hang out with this girl, later that nite they showed up it was cool i got to hang out with taylor which i didnt get to do for mostly the whole summer, the other girl didnt have much to say she was very quiet, but every time i heard her laugh it made me smile i dont know why, started to like this girl, at the end of the nite Taylor went to the other girls house, i walked with the other girl, not knowin wat to do or say when i said something wrong i tackled this mystery girl on the ground and we both started laughing, i went to go kiss her but i kept myself back thinking i cant break her heart before i leave this world, i could tell she was very much like me, and definetly liked me a lot, holding back some of my emotions on the way to her house, i dont think she ever saw tears going down my face after we kissed under the street lights, i asked her to meet me at the playground the next day to hang out and then back to my friends house for a little bit, i dont know what it was but i just need to see her smile one last time, so i did and i decided i wasnt going to kiss her again or even say goodbye cause i knew tonite was the nite i went home and finally caught my long distant friend online, i started talking to her, even my best friend and i started talking in a way as if it was my last time talking to them, and before i told them what i was about to do i got a IM from the mystery girl, she asked what was wrong and asked why i didnt say goodbye or even give her a kiss, i explained to her that i thought she needed space and that i felt like she was straying from me when i really just didnt want to fall for this girl, but after that i talked to Taylor, and Taylor told me that the mystery girl wished that i would fall for her, i tryed to ignore that and i started talking to my best friend, he asked me what i thought about the girl i hung out with the other nite, i told him that i regret going over his house the same day she was there, after i logged off, i started crying myself to sleep, not being able to finish wat i was going to tell my long distant friend, i knew i couldnt go to the waterfall either cause my brother was in my room again, it started killing me inside even more, that the mystery girl had strong feelings for me and i was going to leave her in the dust, the next day just a month before my birthday my mom started talkin to me about me being 17 soon and i just started cryin inside knowing i wasnt going to see my mom anymore, she asked me wat was wrong but i hid my emotions like i had been doing for a long time, she said she would take me to go see my friend in winchendon again cause she needed to go there anywayz, i got to my friends house while i was there all i could think about was that mystery girl, i stared at my cell phone untill i finally messaged her, and told her to come down, later we went to her house and hung out for a little bit i was a little scared at first cause i knew her sister knew who i was and knew i was kind of a scumbag, earlier that year i think she saw me when i was drunk but im not sure, but anywayz her sister knew who i was and who i hung out with and knew i was trouble, which i was at the time, i can admit that i was out of control, i had no direction in life,i went home after that and couldnt sleep, i started back tracking through what the mystery girl said to me and how she felt about me, i had no more emotions at this point i climbed out my window and i walked to the waterfall, i stared at it but for some odd reason i had no more tears, i couldnt cry no matter how hard i tryed i had no more emotions in my body, i looked into the waterfall and i was about to jump, i got a message on my phone, it was the mystery girl she was babysitting, and i dont remember wat the text message said but after that for some reason i dont even remember doing it i just started texting back and at the same time i started walking home, this mystery girl pretty much saved my life that nite, i mention to her that she saved me but i didnt think she knew wat i meant, the next day i felt better i took my normal amount of pills to make me tired, and i slep through most of the day, noon time i went over my friends house and then to my mystery girls house, the more and more i saw her smile the more and more i fell in love with her, i asked her out that day, i regret many things in my life but the more and more i look at all the things that i regret they all lead up to the girl i found and how she saved me from falling, i still struggle everyday and get depressed from time to time but i know that im fine, because i wanna spend the rest of my life with that mystery girl. <3 Down we fall...