More than likely I am not interested in being your friend. If I don't know you, don't bother. If I know you and haven't added YOU; don't bother. If you're a band/struggling performance artist/street juggler, I do not give a flying fuck. Leave it.I drink alcohol like the taps are gonna run dry, & still forget to make my bed in a morning.
Time: is divided between laughing at nothing, and being grumpy. My job provides me with much time in which to practice both of these things.
Past: I went to university in Lincoln, where I spent my days asleep and my nights in Scream. I lost many times at the Quayside pub quiz, although never once won the losers lemon which I'm disappointed about. If you're gonna lose, you might as well do it spectacularly and get a citrus fruit for your troubles.
Dancing: is bad, and I am bad at it. I do not learn, however, and spend many hours of the day arsing around downstairs at work with Sian and doing impromptu "I am taking the piss out of you" dances to people's faces. I especially enjoy dancing like an absolute dick with Sian in Trilogy to bad emo music that all the kids are wanking over nowadays. Actually, all my dancing based badness is based around Sian. I don't do it just standing there by myself, obviously.
Things that I do well:
Building small igloos for underprivileged families in Ethiopia. It was claimed that this idea might work better somewhere where the snow wouldn't melt, for example the North Pole, or Iceland, but I said "fuck that, people there can afford to build their own igloos, they don't need my aid." Some people just do not think shit like this through properly.
Creating new fashionable words and inputting them into dictionaries.A few of my own words have made their way into the official Oxford English dictionary, such as "motherlumper" (a mixture between motherfucker and oompah loompah) and "shitzy" (a mixture between ritzy and shitty. You know, for those odd occasions when something is both mega-glamorous and really shit.) A few people have told me that writing words on post-its and sticking them in dictionaries on the appropriate page doesn't count, but I don't see them fucking doing anything about it.
Making new and exciting inventions out of already existing household objects and rebranding them for my own monetary gain. Can I interest you in a deskable (desk-table, for those of you unaware and obviously living in the 80s) or perhaps a phobile? (Portable handheld inside telephone. It might sound crazy, but you just wait, it'll catch right on.
