I love joking around and my favourite comedian of all time is Mitch Hedberg (RIP)
I will give you some of his fantastic jokes that always make me laugh
"I especially hate turtlenecks. I wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy... all fuckin' day. If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down"
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? -- people are missing. You fuckers are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? zzippp... "Fuck you."
I was at a park and saw a kid flying a kite. He was so excited that his kite was in the sky. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now had he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have known. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker.
"I'd be a shitty auto mechanic, if someone brought their car into me and said, "My car won't start." Well, maybe there's a killer after you!!!"..
I stole this from Johanna. This is for the people who don't have enough guts to leave their name so go ahead and throw a message on, good or bad.............. ..
I edited my profile at Freeweblayouts.net , check out these Myspace Layouts!
You Should Get a MBA (Masters of Business Administration)
You're a self starter with a drive for success.
You'd make a great entrepreneur. What Advanced Degree Should You Get?
Your Hidden Talent
You're super sensitive and easily able to understand situations.
You tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts.
Decision making is easy for you. You have killer intuition.
The right path is always clear, and you're a bit of a visionary. What's Your Hidden Talent?
You Are Somewhat Machiavellian
You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead...
But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself.
You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place.
You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to! How Machiavellian Are You?
Your Fortune Is
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator
You Are Italian Food
Comforting yet overwhelming.
People love you, but sometimes you're just too much. What Kind of Food Are You?
.. You scored as Soccer. You should play soccer- you'll have to run some, but its worth it if you get to shoot a goal. Soccer requires teamwork and endurance.
Soccer
100%
Golf
92%
Basketball
75%
Track
75%
Baseball
58%
Volleyball
58%
Football
50%
Softball
42%
Field hockey
42%
Lacrosse
42%
Tennis
42%
Swimming
42%
Ice Hockey
33%
What sport are you meant for??
created with QuizFarm.com
.. You scored as an eyes person. You can see the magic in a persons eyes, you can see their soul, you know what they're really thinking, and know if they mean no even if they say yes all from their eyes. Yet they still hold some mystique, and for that means you can look into someone's eyes for a long time.
an eyes person
88%
Ass man
83%
personality
67%
Breast Guy
67%
Mouth man
58%
The space between the legs
29%
What are you attracted to in a girl
created with QuizFarm.comCheck this out: Family Guy: Reagan Smash
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Your Life Path Number is 7
Your purpose in life is to find truth and meaning
You are very spiritual, and you are interested in the mysteries of life.
You are quite analytical and a great thinker. You have many theories and insights.
A life of solitude is perfect for you. You need time to think and do things your way.
In love, you are quite charming. You attract many with your confidence and wit.
While you enjoy being alone, sometimes you take it to an extreme.
You can become too isolated, shutting out loved ones and friends.
Express yourself a little bit more, and you'll be surprised where it takes you! What Is Your Life Path Number?