My goals and accomplishments:I have been a platypus shepherd using nothing to control the critters but the force of my mind and a bag of Funyons. I have danced in Buckingham Palace wearing nothing but slices of olive loaf and a cowboy hat. I can control the movement of time with a spork. I raise wombats. I've been known to write entire novels using invisible ink and stone tablets. I worship cheese. I enjoy wearing clothing made of glass and chili peppers. My hair belonged to Beethoven. I enjoy playing the spoons while reciting poems in mime. I've been known to hurdle weiner dogs in a single bound. I can stop a speeding marshmallow with my mind. People worship my ability to gather dog toenails. I eat only flat food. I've read the entire Encylcopedia Britannica backwards and in Greek. I knit sweaters made of foliage. I fought in the Peloponnesian war disguised as feral rabbit. I've sailed the world's oceans in a boat made of sausage wearing nothing but a fake mustache and a bolero tie. I've ridden dancing elephants while singing songs in a language known only to me and the penguins. I've convinced the tiny people in my brain to revolt. When I'm bored, I compose sonatas to be played on the bongos. I'm licensed to operate heavy machinery while under the influence of narcotics. I'm exempt from local taxes. I'm an honorary member of the Chinese embassy. I want to learn how to weave eels into blankets. I like to sniff things.
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