Here are 5 things you probably don’t know about me.
1. I didn’t need Paxil as a kid; I had mustard. One of the more popular condiments in our house was French's mustard--you know, the unnaturally yellow stuff. It came in a squeeze bottle, which made it easy to draw pictures on your bologna. It was also very bitter; so bitter, in fact, that eating it made the muscles in my jaw seize up. The result was this strained, but oddly smiley expression, not dissimilar to Jack Nicholson's when he played the Joker in Batman.
2. In June of 1215 I wrote the Magna Carta. Yes, the document that is heralded by such fine sources as Wikipedia as “one of the most important legal documents in the history of democracy.†Blah blah blah. Hey, times were tough. As if it wasn’t bad enough that King “Dysentary†John was handing out tickets to whomever walked through his precious forest, I think he was planning on taxing my wenches. My wenches, I tell you! Clearly, the man had to be stopped, and I didn’t have a kettle big enough to hold the amount of boiling oil equal to my indignation. So I borrowed a sheep from Baron Steve across the bog from my castle, flattened it into some parchment and the rest is history. Thou art welcome.
3. I discovered America. I know what you’re thinking: Columbus discovered America, or is at least credited with it. No, no, and no again. Truth of the matter is, my ship — The Magic Pony — caught up with Chris’s fleet about 20 days out from Spain. Columbus, being a bit of a betting man (and a braggart), started boasting about how awesome his sails were and how they were “filled with the winds of destiny†and some such. Then he challenged me to a race, which I won because I “harnessed the winds of destiny†while he was busy tinkling off the port bow.
4. I’ve met Noah. Right, the guy who built the giant ship and created the first and only floating zoo. And you know what? He’s not the Debbie Downer the Bible makes him out to be. Sure, he had to call a lot of people sinners. But check it out: he saved the Lesser White-Nosed Guenon. You can’t do something like that with a straight face. Too bad about those ligers, though. We ran out of sweet rolls after 31 days and 32 nights, and I don’t have to tell you how that story ended…
5. I discovered fire. Ok, just kidding. That would be ridiculous, right? I mean, how in the world would I have done that? But I did invent the wheel, and subsequently the Michelin Man. Look it up.
