About Me
I'm Mike. That being said, here are a few other very important things ya should know about me. I tread water with jellyfish, most notably the Irukandji. I am the Fred Astaire of the No-pants Dance. I often excel at things normally uncommon to most humans. I love to navigate hot air ballons in the most torrential of hurricanes and do so with lack of fear and good sense. When I decorate for Christmas, I generally do so in a manner consistent with Clark W Griswold, though I dont believe in Santa. I drive with authority and intent, I am Mario Andertti behind the wheel. I dont subscribe to traffic laws as I feel they are contradictory to well being. I have never had a traffic ticket. Smelling salts have no affect on me. I have blacked out when putting in contact lenses. My eyes are tremendously sensative paper cuts, sand and touching. My CD collection is laughable and the condition of said CDs is horrific. Any of my material possessions are poorly maintained, I would rather replace it then care too much about it. I refuse to own garbage, I drive nice cars, love extraordinary homes and can't wear off brand clothing, again...vanity is wonderful. I am a contradiction in terms. You will either love me or hate me. I love cliches. They are the root of a great society. I save change in coffee mugs, I refuse to keep pennies, I am impatient so it's futile to keep them around. If you see pennies on the side of the road, most likely they were mine, hold onto them, they will be worth money someday. For the record, I don't drink coffee, iced coffee or and variation there of. Caffeine is quite inadequate, aspertame is bad. I drink diet pepsi. I eat cake, chesseburgers and slim jims. When i eat healthy food, I drink full flavor pepsi. Oddly enough cats detest me, I am not fond of them either. You will never get me on an airplane, though I will likely tell you i have been on them many times. My friends are entertained by me often, they are pretty partial to me I suppose. I dont do shows for free. Cough drops confuse me. We dont inhale them, I question their medicinal value. If you have them, I'll ask you for one while producing a fake cough. You will share. I deal with insurance companies daily, they are not trying to screw you. They just want your money. I have never used a Mac computer, I am fearfull of them. I prefer black pens to blue, but red makes me utterly euphoric. If you need to use my bathroom, under no circumstances use any poop spray to cover up the menacing odor. I would rather you open the window and close the door. I have a grievance with the floral air spray companies. If someone in my presence happens to be flatulent, I would take credit. My family is the single most important thing to me. I will likely not reproduce, as this saddens some people, I'm sure many are pleased to hear this. I love to make all the motions of producing children. I am a small business owner, the customer is ususally not right. I work for money. I don't like punching a clock. I still like Mike Tyson's punchout. I have dabbled in things. I run from bees. I need the sound of a air conditioner when trying to sleep. I sleep while driving to save time. I run marathons because of my super managerial skills. I am highly sought after I presume. Likely not though. Details are relatively important. The word relatively is often misunderstood. Comparatively speaking though, many people wish not to understand. I babble a lot...relatively speaking. I refuse to fail, but I do give up often. When I see you, I am intrigued greatly. I am sometimes very shy, other times I can't be quieted. Attempts to silence me are futile. I don't like to speak within large groups. I am the life of some parties. I would rather see a painted wall then wallpaper. I plan to change the pitch of the pool slide for more acceleration. Attractive women take me out of my realm. I love to love, hate to be alone and run away from the best women out there. When I grow up, I plan to act younger. When I die, don't shed a tear, have a beer and remember the world is now one superstar short. I will be missed. Most of you can't wait. I make up stuff as I go along. I am not a liar. I modify things to stimulate thought. I am sincere. I joke around when I'm serious. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.Most importantly, this profile is a joke! Please stop sending emails asking what oven I use to make brownies. :)Thank you for your time.
