click to get Orkut Myspace flowers Comments & GraphicsThis went on day in and day out, year in and year out and my last day at intermediate level, was a happy day because i thought that i could have a new start now. With a new school, new teachers and hopefully make some friends. But nothing was really changed. Well i did have some new friends in my new class, but there was other teens from other classes who noticed that i was a shy girl and an easy victim, they really wanted to have someone to pick on and that person became me. They threw chewing gum in my hair, they called me names, they put glue in the lock to my cupboard in school, they destroyed my school books, they put seeds from rose hips inside my clothes and it itched so badly on my skin, they did so many things they possibly could to make my life miserable. All this made me feel depressed and tired of life and i saw no end of this nightmare. I had a destructive behavior and i cut myself in my arms. But not deep enough to leave scars, i am glad for that today.
click to get More gothics comments & GraphicsIt is a sick behavior and i have thought about it today, what the reason was, why i did this to myself? This is hard to explain but i was under a lot of pressure, i hated myself and cutting myself made me feel that i had control over at least one thing in my life that no one else could control. I thought a lot about that the world would maybe be a better place without a looser like me???? So i thought about ending it all and i tried once, but it was not time for me to die! Maybe there was a reason for me to continue my life? I realized that i had to deal with my life and continue until i one day could be free from school.I begun upper secondary school and the class was ok, i had some new friends and for the first time in my life, i finally felt more and more that i was good enough and that i could be more like myself. No one laughed at me or called me names. My self-confidence grew more and more and my shyness disappeared more and more. I felt happier and more confident, i could even laugh and feel joy. I grew as individual for the first time in my life and i realized that i was not different from others. I was OK! I had no boyfriend until i met the man who became the first man in my life and the father of my child. At first it was a good relationship and he treated me well. I was 16 when i met him and he was 10 years older than me.
click to get More Cool Pics Comments & GraphicsI moved in with him when i was 17 and i was pregnant when i was 19. He had a bad temper already before i was pregnant so i knew that he could be mad, but i never realized that i should have walked away from him the first time he abused me. He told me that no one could love me the way he did and no one would even look at me or want me but him? I was young and blind and naive and i believed what he told me, so i stayed with him and i thought he would maybe be different. But he did not! I gave birth to my daughter in December 1995 and that was the happiest day of my life but also the worst day of my life because nothing really turned out the way i thought it would. I had a difficult delivery and i fought against time because they suspected that i was giving birth to a small child and her heartbeats was irregular so they had to help me to get her out before she risked to die in my stomach, if she did, i would die tooThey had to run out of the room and give her CPR, she almost died. Luckily everything went well! I was send to sleep and my daughter was placed in a incubator. We was at the hospital on a special nursing ward for premature babies, she had jaundice and she was feed with a sound in her nose. We was there for 3 long and strenuous weeks until we finally could come back home. I was a single mom already then because her father was only there totally 2 times these 3 weeks. I did realized more and more when i came back home, that i could not live with him anymore. She was so tiny, almost like a bird and she didnt scream like babies do when they are born and her skin was blue. He was her father yes, but he did not do anything for his own child. The love i once felt, died and i felt nothing anymore.
click to get Orkut Myspace poems Comments & GraphicsI made a decision to leave him, so i told him about how i felt and he went furious. He even refused to let me use the phone so i could call my parents and ask them for help to move the day after.I was awake all that night, because he had told me that he wish i was dead and that i could go to hell so i fear my own and the babies life. I moved the next day and my parents allowed me to live with them until i could find an own place for me and my daughter.I stayed with them for 2-3 months and when i did, i also fought for the right to have child support from her father. He refused to pay so i had to go to the family court and get a lawyer. I also had meetings with a social worker who tried to convince him to agree company with his child. But he was not interested of having any contact. So i has raised her on my own since she was 10 months old and i have been both her mom and dad. No visits, no phone calls, no letters/post cards or presents on her birthday, no Christmas gifts, nothing from him. It was hard to explain to a little child why her father did not care! So i told her that "Daddy loves you but he is mad at mummy" i did not know what else to say? I found a new home for me and my daughter when i was 20 and i struggled hard to make the money last every month. Because of everything with her dad and the responsibility as a single parent, i felt like a looser and i kept up my hard attitude against others, but i cried inside of me.Once again i begun to hate myself and blame myself for everything i had been through and everything i had to deal with every day as a single parent. I tried to be someone i was not and i saw myself as the most disgusting human ever. I had no control over my own life, that was how i felt. My way to deal with this feeling was to start hurting myself and i did. My eating disorder started this way and this went on for years. I went to the shop and i bought candy, ice cream, snacks, bread, corn flakes, anything you can put in your mouth and eat. The only different was that i did vomit everything that i ate, several times every day. I ate and i vomit and i ate more and i did vomit again, on and on, day in and day out, year in and year out. I hide it so well for everyone so i could keep up a normal attitude and no one expected anything. I decided one day that it had to be enough and i struggled hard to come back to where i was before my eating disorder started. I still has my ups and my downs like others and i know that i am not perfect because no one is.
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MY LIFE TODAYAll of this is the reason for "Me being me". All of this has created me to the person i am today. I am trying to think that everything that happens do it for a reason, but sometimes it is really hard to find that reason? I trust other people and i have been hurt so many times because i do. Many people are using my kindness for their own advantage and they dont think about how much they are hurting me? I know that i should not trust other people directly but i want to think that all people has something good inside. I want to help other people and be there for friends and family the way i want them to be there for me.
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My mission in life is to give from myself, to support, to not judge other people and to listen to my inner voice and to trust my instincts. My mission is to give from my love to people i care about and to be a good listener and to make other people feel good in my company, make them laugh at my silly jokes and so on. But sometimes i care so much for other people that i forget about myself and my own needs? I am no longer shy and i love to talk with people and make friends. Sometimes i maybe talk too much.I guess i do because i have so many years to take back when i lived with my own silence. You can always have deep conversations about anything with me and what you say to me will always stay between us if you want to keep our conversations private! I would never hurt a friend or reveal a secret that someone has told me because they trust me. My way of living is to treat other people the way i want them to treat me. I have had my ups and downs in life and i still have.
click to get Orkut Myspace english quotes & GraphicsI know how hard life can be and i know how easy it is to giving up! I know what it feels like to fall again and again and to raise again and move on like nothing ever happened??? But somehow you always make it every time . My life is good today, i cant complain because i have my daughter and i am surrounded with friends and family who loves me for who i am, i have a job and money to pay my bills with and most important of all, i am healthy!
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