PALMDALE HIGH SCHOOL FALCONS
Class of 2000 Star Quarterback JD ATKINS
By age 16 I had it all bro. Babes waited in line at the del taco parking lot next to my step dad's apartment complex to give me oral before computer class, dudes lined up in front of the Falcon statue to receive my patented "around the world" high fives and routinely waxed my 1984 Z28 Camaro "The Brahma Bull", teachers taked my english tests for me and the principal, Mrs. Ellington, begged me on the daily not to tell her husband that their son, Jeff, wasn't actually his.
Condoms are for fags bro.
I Racked up countless Golden League records, including but not limited to:
Golden League MVP '94-'00
Youngest Varsity starter ever: age 12
TDs in a season - 72
Career passing yards - 49,358
Only dude to ever bang Kim Cortez and not get Hep C
Career TDs - 1125
Only player to ever catch his own pass for a touchdown 9 times
Proved Bobby Barringer was, in fact, a chick
Only player to ever physically be inside a chick's vag and throw a 25+ yard touchdown.
(1977 Jesse Simmons 19 yd TD-inside a chick)
Longest pass - 146 yards (Brad Rochester took it all the way to Lancaster bro)
Most Homophobic/racist Remarks in a 5 minute span - 3,861
(also held the record for each individually, before they combined the category for time saving purposes)
Most TD Passes in 1 game - 19
By 18, I was washed up bro. That F'n A'hole Hector Gutierrez blew his pass blocking assignment and 3rd Team All League defensive end Grant Jones took out all his "i swear im not a fag" aggression out on my left knee, completely tearing the shit out of my ACL. I started taking pain killers after the surgery. Next thing i know im addicted to percocet and oxycontin, giving HJs for beer money behind the same del taco i used to receive oral. Lost my ride to Winona State, Jessica Waldgrave broke up with me before prom, and I wrapped the Brahma Bull around a telephone pole on 10th and Rancho Vista. Then I moved on to the uppers and downers.
Black tar, shabu, yellow bam, stove top, ice, the perico, whippets, toncho, vikes and the norco bro.
12 years and three weeks later, I came to in a darkened room that smelled worse than any jock strapped locker room, Motorhead and Manowar covered walls, and playing bass in
VAN STONE.
Fuck bro. I didnt even know how to play guitar before. Now I play bass?
COCAINE!!!
