The legendary Cuff Lynx and The Slip Ons are England's premier Garage Rock dance band. Originally conceived by Cuff Lynx (who had a string of solo hits in the early 60s, such as "Shave Me, Baby" and the worldwide smash "I'll Be Your Marrow", leading to his unfortunate imprisonment and subsequent exile to Siberia on grounds of maintaining public order) and bass guru Prickly Terry in early 1967, the line-up was completed later in the year by guitar hero Savoury Steve Avery and world-renowned drummer Madman Pete Hazard.
The band went on to record a string of hits across Europe and beyond, with debut single "Lil' Hot Dog" being denied a number one spot in several countries due to a dubious decision ruling it out of chart listings based on the then unexpected "free gift" of a sample of Cuff's bodily fluids with each copy. This single was followed by the Christmas 7" "Go Go Ye Merry Mentalmen", the band's take on the popular carol "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen". Outselling The Beatles' "Hello Goodbye" by a ratio of three-to-one, this release was also unfortunately disqualified from chart listings due to protests from the religious lobby. Undeterred, Cuff took to the nation's screens on Christmas Day 1967, accompanied by John Lennon, who opined that "the law is an ass", apparently not grasping the socio-political complexities of the issue. Later in the day the band shared a curry with all four members of The Beatles, as well as the Queen and Lord Lucan, at Clifton, Brick Lane's first curry house.
In light of their hitherto unheard-of success, the group rapidly begun to unfurl, with Savoury Steve retreating deeper into the world of pharmaceutical drugs and savoury snacks in his mansion on the outskirts of Slough, accompanied by his eighth wife Jean Shrimpton, Gram Parsons, and soon-to-be Libyan Head of State Muammar al-Gaddafi. Prickly Terry eloped to the hills of Scotland with model and Steve's former partner Twiggy, where at one stage the couple survived for over a month living on nothing but dock leaves soaked in the juices of cave-aged gruyere. In the meantime, Pete Hazard enjoyed a brief but successful spell acting in a number of classic films, and was unfortunately rejected at the last minute as the voice of HAL 9000 in Stanley Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey" following his being sectioned to a maximum security hospital following the consumption of 143 litres of Tab Clear and Mescal mixed with Bovril (a favourite tipple of the band in the late-60s) during a week-long binge with Howard Hughes and The Rolling Stones.
During this period, Cuff himself managed to escape his confinement in the Far East, embarking on a painful journey across frozen tundra and deserted wasteland by donkey (and later snow-mobile, which he acquired following his marriage to a 23-stone Siberian gent named "Yuri". The union was annulled shortly after Cuff's return to the UK). During his unfortunate Siberian experience, Cuff found himself resorting to a strange series of movements in order to prevent Yuri consumating their relationship, which, during his journey back to civilisation, evolved into a dance routine named "The Cringe". At a press conference covered by the world's media in Soho, London on September 6, 1968, coinciding with Swaziland finally gaining its independence (a cause for which the band had steadfastily supported throughout its career to this point), Cuff Lynx and The Slip Ons announced their intention to return to the music world. New single "The Cringe" was released the following week, causing mass hysteria as the dance craze accompanying the song swept across the globe.
Unfortunately, following a hugely successful tour playing the world's largest stages (during which time the band became the first Western group to be personally invited to perform for then-North Korean leader Kim Il-Sung), Pete Hazard, who had formally become a US national during his brief Hollywood career, was summoned to Vietnam, having originally evaded a tour-of-duty due to an infected ingrowing toenail (an ailment which plagues Hazard to this very day). The band disbanded once more, with the remaining three retreating to a monastery in Mongolia for the next 30 years, where they followed the ancient northern Asian practices of shamanism, in which human intermediaries enter into trance and speak to and for some of the numberless infinities of spirits responsible for human luck or misfortune. The practice had the added bonus of granting the band power over the ageing process, and indeed during this period a number of major cosmetic companies tried and failed to tempt the group to return to the West with a view to their partaking in a series of lucrative advertising campaigns.
In 2007, concerned at reports that Foreign observers held a view that the band and their colleagues in the Erdene Zuu monastery in Karakorum were, to quote one National newspaper that shall remain unnamed, "lazy, ignorant, corrupt, and debauched", the band decided to return to the UK and awaken the now-staid latter-day music scene with their unique brand of rock n'roll. Coincidentally, Pete Hazard had been released earlier in the year from a POW camp in the Mekong Delta, where he had been manufacturing children's tracksuits under the hand of camp leader Nguyá»…n Ling Hu'o'ng, who in a strange twist returned to the UK with Pete to become the band's unofficial manager and security advisor.
Shunning the celebrity lifestyle and the giant machine that had built up around them, Cuff Lynx and The Slip Ons have returned to their roots, playing low-key shows for passionate throngs in East London and beyond. They are currently available for parties, corporate shindigs and other such events, while also playing the occasional secret show in a big cave for their loyal (but now, sadly, quite old) band of followers.
To book the band for your event, please contact Nguyá»…n Ling Hu'o'ng via MySpace or at [email protected]. If Nguyá»…n is unavailable, please ask for one of Josh, Ian, Stephen or Peter, his team of assistants.
Finally, and in the words of the Tenzin Gyatsom, the 14th Dalai Lama: "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions."
