TwistedTomII profile picture

TwistedTomII

About Me

I was born, I think but don't remember. I do remember a Doctor screaming something about " IS THAT A BLUE HAT"!? I grew up in a small Indiana town. There was nothing to do so I began at an early age making fun of everything. Our chickens had no tail feathers because my dog pulled them all out. Bald ass chickens just struck me funny! My childhood was pretty much making crawdads fight, crucifying toad frogs, putting stray cats in the mail box because the mail carrier hit my dog, and annoying my siblings to no end.School was simply crap to me and I participated very little except for lunch and study hall. My history Teacher asked me once"why did Washington cross the Deleware"? I replied"I am not the least bit interested" That remark earned me my third study hall . I did however have a teacher whose name was Brenda Biltz (Reynolds) who inspired me to write. I re-wrote Shakespeare for her in english class. She told me that I could be a writer if I tried. Thanks to Brenda! I began writing songs around the tenth grade. My songs were an escape from the small town crap that suffocates most teenagers. Growing up in the 70s was a party! Being a Party Hound was just a ten year phase.At around the end of that phase, I met my first wife. I was at a party and shouted out" I will marry anybody for a pizza"! Two weeks later I went to Jelico Tennesee with the woman who bought me a pizza and we got married in the IGA grocery store. Just as I was about to say"I do", an old lady came up to the JOP/Grocery clerk/ Minister and asked," how much are these bananas"? Now is that class or what? She aready had two children and they introduced me to funny kid stuff. I had them plant Cheerios in the garden and told them that they were doughnut seeds.I soon found out that my wife was the redneck Bingo player from hell! She came home from bingo one night and was shouting, " that mother fn hog won again"! I asked her who was she talking about and she grumbled loudly" MY MOTHER"! Of course I thought that this would make a great song and "BINGO" was born. I was married to her for six years and I filed for divorce when I found out that she was sleeping with a Cab driver. He gave her rides to BINGO and in return she gave him rides after BINGO!Well, I was single a few more years and retuned to being a Party Hound. When I was 33 years old I met the love of my life in a bar filled with hillbillies, rednecks and bikers. She took my heart with a smile. We got married two months later.We lived in Ohio for a couple of years and then moved to Nashville. My sister Annie and I had set up a small publishing company there. We learned a lot from the folks in the business. I wrote many of my funny songs there. We had some great times. We left good friends behind. We have been back in Ohio for about ten years. I still write funny songs because life is funny.My wife Tammy and three children all love me but they also know I am officially insane. I rarely miss an opportunity to find something funny in the serious things of life. I get elbowed at weddings and funerals a lot. God chose the foolish things of the world to confound the wise and that is where you find me.

My Interests

Music:

Member Since: 1/4/2008
Band Members:

Influences: Jack Daniels, Budwiser, Columbia, Kentucky Corn, Marcia Brady, Charles Manson's third cousin twice removed Freddy Kennedy Manson, That fat kid in the movie "Stand by Me", the moon monkey, Harpo Marx, Pall Mall, Camel, Mr. Rogers, Oral (the give me shit or I'm gonna die) Roberts, the dead Beatles, the half dead Stones, Country stars that need computers to fix their voices because they really caint sing, Mr. Potato Head, Alfred Neuman, KC and the Sunshine Band, Cashius Clay,Phillip Morris, Annette Funicello, Billy Shank, Linda Blair, Ghandi, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Yoko Ohnoooo!, Tiny Tim, Andre the Giant, Hank Jr. 1,2and 3, Gearge Bush, booty boy Bill Clinton, Margret Thatcher, that tall guy Janet Reno, Courage the Cowardly Dog, our dog Beffy, Cow and Chicken, Mozart, Bach, Peewee Herman, Katherine Hepburn, Dale Earnhardt, Pinky and the Brain, that Amish kid who got charged with DWI in his buggy, Muddy Waters, The Hanson Brothers, Everclear, Panama Red Bud, Captain Kangaroo, Marlo Thomas, Phylis Diller, Steven Speilberg, bongs, Elvis, Fred Thompson, Sonny Bono, Rusty Wallace, Ellen Degenerous, Fay Wray, Godzilla, the fat guy in Deliverance, Alfred Hitchcock, Bob Barker, Lori Morgan, Janice Joplin, The Partridge Family, Ray Charles, Jan Brady, mustard, George Washington, Dick Cheney, Otto Von Bismark, Ally McBeal, Snidely Whiplash, Sarah Palin, Boots Randolf, Peyton Manning, a cat that got his face smooshed and had to say meehmmmmeow, Jim Croce, Monk, roach clip, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Elvira, Sammy Terry, Ella Fitzgerald, 2 Pack, Fitty Cent, Moms Mabley, Grandma Moses, Leonardo Davinci, Leonardo Decaprio, the kid we got to eat bugs in the third grade, Melissa Manchester, Carol Burnette, Axel Rose, The Bee Gees (before that dumbass movie!), The Cincinnatti Symphony Orchestra, Eric Clapton, Jessica Simpson, Napoleon, Bugs Bunny, Engelbert Humperdink, balonga and cheese, pillows, Tylenol PM, Frank Gifford, Diane Warren, Cheech and Chong, that fat kid who could fart "Sweet Dreams" by Patsy Cline, matches, Bob Dylan, Bob Dole, pineapples, Grass Roots, sheep, gravy, Vanna White, Coors, Uncle Fester, James Dean, Cindy Brady, that extremely chubby humongous girl who tossed me in a cornfield in 1973 just because I took her there to eat, Winston Churchill, Janet Jackson's boob, toast and jelly, Beethoven (the Movie), George Carlin, Edgar Allen Poe, cheezit snack crackers, Cory Feldman, Frank Sinatra, Lindsay Lohan, Smurfs, Steve McQueen, Freddy Mercury, John Wayne, The Backstreet Boys, mushroom swiss burgers, Zig Zags, Elton John, Alf, Bobby Knight, Oscar Meyer, Allison Krause, Marilyn Manson, Mother Angelica, John Mellencamp, uppers, root beer, Howard Hughes, Wilbur Wright, Richard Simmons, Oprah, Playboy, Mad Magazine, John Belushi, eggs, Log Cabin syrup, Martha Stewart, Geronimo, Billy Ray Cyrus, Madonna, moose tracks ice cream, my old speeling teacher, Kermit the frog, LSD, Fred Flintstone, Bozo the clown, door knobs, Linda Blair, Richard Pryor, Freddie Prinze, Ed, Danny Partridge, Top papers, water mellon, the kid with 4 thumbs back in school, Sinead O'Conner, Ralph the painter, pickles, Lee Marvin, Peter Frampton, Oil of Olay, Massengale, Dirty Harry, The Yardbirds, Harry Bellefonte, Norman Bates, shovels, Mother Goose, cooked goose with Stove Top stuffing, big fat doobie, Doobie Brothers, Kurt Cobain, Michael Nesmith, Davy Jones, The Ugly Buggy Boys, the stoner who brought brownies to English class, Martha Washington, Jack Dempsey, Kool-ade, the Tin Man, brass pipes, hot dogs, chips, soda, cotton mouth, Roger Miller, autumn, equator, Cowboy boots, Gilligan, sharks, Def Leopard, Jack the Flipper (works at McDonalds), air conditioning, Michael Moore, Mel Brooks, Santana, Joe Walsh, the Beach Boys, Jim Stafford, Albert Einstein, Al Gore, Whitney Houston, DDDolly Parton, pet rocks, halter tops, National Geographic, Kleenex, cheese puffs, Joan of Arcadia, Trojan, Boonesfarm Wine, little sisters of girlfriends, marshmellows, John Denver, Kent State, National Guard, Johnny Rivers and his wife Joan, turtle doves, Jim Varney, club crackers, brake fluid, ex girlfriends cars, Bengals, Colts, Giants, Babe Ruth, football bats, Harlequin romance novels, NRA, Death Race 2000, Chucky Cheese, flip flops, WNBA, Billie Jean King, angel food cake, Alanass Morissette, Herman Munster, National Enquirer, Chuck Norris!!!, Lizzie Borden, Andrew Dice Clay, sheeps "N" boots, acid rain, Farm Aid, band aid, bald monkeys, Bayer asprin, red spatulas, and last but far from least, Chelsea Clinton's cat named Sox!
Sounds Like: SOMEBODY THREW A DRUNK IN A BARRELL AND BEAT IT WITH YOKO ONO WHILE SINGING "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC"!
Record Label: Oh Crap records
Type of Label: Indie

My Blog

Ten percent brain?

Humans, male and female differ in the percent of their brains used.  Our thoughts are divided in everyday decisions, depending on the circumstances of our lives.  Through personal research, I have con...
Posted by on Sun, 01 Feb 2009 01:08:00 GMT

Tears of an Old Man

 ..Cincinnati, the year is 19l2 when my grandpa, Luther, showed up at his new job in a lumber yard.  The first words out of his boss's mouth was "you three men go back and takedown the darkys from the...
Posted by on Mon, 19 Jan 2009 07:44:00 GMT

Old Joseph

    "Come here nigga" he shouted! Then he looked down at me and yelled " catch that dog fo me boy an I give you a coke"!. It was hot and I sure would like me a coke. I ran at the little wh...
Posted by on Sun, 28 Dec 2008 08:44:00 GMT

My friend Dale

In small town Indiana, I had a friend named Dale. He was my everyday buddy and had bright red hair just like me. We use to go behind Joe Joneses' general store to steal empty Pepsi bottles and cash th...
Posted by on Mon, 18 Feb 2008 21:19:00 GMT