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I was rescued from the bowels of hell in 1478 by a Jesuit lawn Gnome named Hank searching for his wheelbarrow. For his kindness, I corrupted the International Lawn Ornament Society in order for him to acsend to the throne as King of the Lawn Gnomes. For centuries I manipulated his regency to suit my needs and desires. The Lawn Gnome Despot soon saw through my veil of deceit and had me banished to this forlorn country. Now I crochet hurricanes. Occasionally, however, I dabble in the obtuse, and due to a strange affliction, I anchor myself in various endevours not normally accepted by society. This has been especially relevant as of late, the arthritis from all of that tacking has left my phalanges in a bit of pain. In the last 30 some years, I have given birth to many boys in order to secure the genetic perfection I possess continues to exist throughout the ages. I have schooled in the arts, and graced many stages with the harmonic resonance of my violin. I have given aid to women in labor, and tested a variety of food samples for bacterial contamination. I have taught the public how to consume proper amounts of nutrients, maintain a suitable amount of exercise and refrain from unhealthy activity. I have collected and smelled a wide variety of smelly stickers, reveling in the cherry wonder of papa smurf. I have established a close friendship with Tiny Flicker. I have worshiped the color yellow. I have ridden horses. I have written stories. I have lived where there are ghosts. I have named my car Frank. I have taught young minds to read music, and studied plum lines and public works. I have held station in small government, designed walking trails, moved from coast to coast, and relished in the deliciousness of many brazil nuts. I have gotten in over my head and swam to safety, started a magazine, exceeded my credit limit and flown helicopters in crystal blue unbroken skies. I have danced in the rain, and then subsequently had that rain flood my yard and create a hybridized sense of happiness and despair.