Eric Victorino

Hi.
I write books and I sing in a band called the Limousines -
TRADING SHADOWS FOR SUNSHINE... will be going to print early this summer. Pre-Orders will be closed when the Special Thanks section is full. You may include one name only per copy Pre-Ordered.
AS OF NOW THERE IS NO OFFICIAL RELEASE DATE so please note and keep in mind that you may pre-order today and obviously, your copy will not arrive until the book has gone to press and street release date has passed. Please do not send me messages asking when your book will arrive if the date of your inquiry is before the official release date of the book. This pre-ordering program is a unique opportunity to say thank you, right there in black and white, to all of the very well loved friends and supporters of my writing. Be part of something special!
COMA THERAPY is my first book of poems and stories. It is NOT AVAILABLE IN ANY STORES.
"Coma Therapy" is the sound of a powerful new voice in contemporary American literature. Victorino's brand of punchy prose often draws comparisons to the likes of Charles Bukowski and Hunter S. Thompson.
This debut collection of poems and short stories draws a dangerously thin line between the heartwarming and the horrifying... Eric Victorino then mischievously walks that line all the way to the last page. Defiant, triumphant, hopeful and wise.
"Coma Therapy" is captivating... Engaging and uninhibited. Compels us with tales of true life through gritty dialogue and descriptive diction... Eric Victorino draws you in and he doesn't let go until the end..." - Amazon.com
"Raw and personal, brutal and bold. With elements of boyish humor, adolescent wickedness and rock-star charm..." -Silion Valley Metro News
"Stunning... Important, so inspiring... Please read this book" -Sonny Moore, Recording Artist
"There are very few ways to get inside the mind of a lyricist. One way is through reading their diaries, the other through sleeping with them. Eric's book is the more entertaining of the options. It's a raw look inside the heart and mind of a rock 'n' roll spiritualist whose struggles with love (Chaplin) and versus the world (Keaton) are laid out bare like an exhibitionist on a double-dare." -Mike Shea, Founder, AP Magazine
"Coma Therapy" inspires optimism in a melancholy world..." -Smartpunk.com
All the profit actually goes to me instead of companies and lawyers and marketing teams - thus: food lands on my dinner table... I appreciate your support more than you could ever know:
you can also place your order through the mail by sending check, money order or cash, jewels and riches ($19) to:
Eric Victorino
P.O. Box 671
Campbell, CA
95009-0671

Or if you'd rather give your money to the big corporate pigs you can also find it on AMAZON
....I'll continue adding to my "About Me" until I am the undisputed world record holder!...
I feel like there's a lot to figure out about life and I'm doing my best do just that, hopefully help a few other people out along the way...
although sometimes it may seem otherwise, my opinions are not set in stone - I'm always looking for a way to prove myself wrong. this was added to and altered and pecked and and poked over the course of weeks and months and years, decades and centuries and within it are representations of a thousand different versions of me.
I'm on a mission, I don't know what the plan is or how I'll know when I've succeeded but I know that if the wheels aren't turning I would rather just get out and walk... I like to make things. I love to draw, paint, sculpt, sing and write - I'm not necessarily great at anything but being good at things isn't really the point. Art isn't just beauty, tragedy, happiness and hurt - it can be anything - sometimes sitting in a theater and absorbing a perfect movie can feel like making art because we are all part of the same big circle, together... making history. Violence makes me sick but so does watching people kiss if either one is left alone too long to feedback on itself. opposition is what makes balance make sense.
so sometimes I sing songs in front of people and sometimes I write down how I feel - I believe in the spirit of independent art
.
I am not scared of dying, I am however, scared of living this life like it's not what's important. I don't live for today, because now is the past. I live for tomorrow. I'm always looking forward and I hope to all the way to the finish line.
I know I come off pretty harsh sometimes being so opinionated... It's just that I'm pretty outspoken - The alternative is to keep my mouth shut or to lie - I'm no good at either of those... So I won't be apologizing for my thoughts.
I hate when people look at depressed kids and think they don't have anything to be depressed about... that's like saying being born is a poor excuse for having leukeamia - depression is a disease that needs to be taken seriously and treated properly... I am not against antidepressants and drugs - but I AM against drugs being the first thing people try - it should be a last resort after trying to solve the causes rather than throwing a blanket over the symptoms... if you are depressed and are having thoughts about hurting yourself, don't be embarrassed or ashamed - talk to someone - shit, talk to me, I'll do the best to talk you off a ledge...
I am getting younger every day. I am full of wonder and hope.
I'm not a believer - I'm a questioner.
NEVER EVER let ANYONE form your opinions. form your own. you are not born a racist, a bigot, a conservative or liberal - you are born a clean slate. there's no such thing as a christian or muslim child - only the children of christians or muslims or bigots or racists - (all of whom are far too often hard to tell apart)
Something that has made my life really interesting, but also sometimes very difficult is the belief that my time can't be bought or sold. (at least not for cheap!) - - - I want to continue to 'make a living' off of my art, my mind, my passions and my skills. Who knows how many days you have left, don't waste them doing something that doesn't make you happy. Don't just come out of school, settle on some bullshit job you hate and hack away for the rest of your life with a frown on your face.
One thing I actually do regret is that I didn't go to college. If you have supportive parents who are willing to pay for your education and you don't take advantage of that, you are a fool. I never really got that opportunity, but if I had, I wouldn't have taken it for granted. I think I would have gone to art school or studied history or politics. - I think I want to go to college someday. Maybe I'll do it online. Who knows, maybe I'll be your next substitute teacher...
JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND EVOLUTION, THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT ISN'T TRUE... educate yourself, motherfucker.
Don't give me the peanut butter argument either, you silly ass. seriously, read a couple of books about chemistry and biology, then move on to evolution. the world becomes an even more beautiful place when you see evidence of the fact that all of us animals are in it together - growing and adapting over time scales we can hardly wrap our heads around, but still very very real... we did not come from monkeys, that's an ignorant misconception that needs to go away. monkeys and dogs and cats and butterflies and birds and snakes and germs and bugs and crabs and whales, we all came from the same place... no one doubts the existence of specialized species, mutations, adaptations we've actually witnessed, viruses and bacteria demonstrating the survival of the fittest part of darwinian evolution right here on our kitchen countertops. look at all the breeds of horses, dogs and cats we humans have custom made for specific purposes and according to our aesthetic preferences... those small changes are normal to us. how many generations is it from a wolf to a chihuahua? i can't say for sure, but if the steps taken are small enough and keep on going through thousands of years who could argue that we wouldn't be taking about different animals from the first to the last? - - - this is going to go over some people's heads and that's fine, but if even one of you grabs on and is inspired to pick up a fucking book every once in a while then i feel like i've done my duty.
i get messages from people saying things like "the only reason you talk so much shit about jesus is cuz you need him!" - obviously people like this aren't paying attention. i like asking people like that what they think about the fact that if they were born just a few thousand miles to the east, they in all probability would be sending me a message about how i need to give my respect to the prophet mohammed and bow to allah... i don't lash out against god because i want attention or to stir things up, i just don't think it's fair that i'm expected to live in a world run by people with imaginary friends. i want to live in a world that makes sense, full of people who want truth, regardless of whether it contradicts the bedtime stories of their childhood. I want to make things better. I want to make people happy. - if you're happy you'll do nicer things and so on and so on - in that respect I guess I believe in karma.
I think it's funny when people draw pictures of that Jesus guy and make him blonde with blue eyes. Imagine whitey walking around the deserts of the middle east! LOL.
I think it's interesting that some of my readers have been reporting troubles with their parents taking away their copies of my book... Way to save 'em Ma and Pa! God forbid they develop their own beliefs.
I guess, as you can tell from looking at my pictures, I like to wear stripes? - fitting, considering I'll probably end up wearing stripes in some military torture prison for exercising my right to free speech, according to the US government I am a domestic terrorist . I'm guilty of a million thought crimes, most of them patriotic.
I sincerely believe religion is the enemy of reason...
There are so many thousands of gods that have ruled the cosmos over the centuries - Zeus, Thor, Ra, Eostre, Jah, Pundjel, Quetzacoatl, Yahweh, Jesus, Tlaloc, Danu, Xenu, Shangdi, Amun, Osiris, Apollo, Hades, we're all atheists when it comes to 9 out of 10 gods - I just go one further than you might... I am an atheist - and it's OK if you're a Christian or whatever you want to be - I'm not going to kill you or try to force you to believe how I do, I won't blow myself up for what I believe. The only reason I'd love for you to think how I do is so you can see just how beautiful this place can and all of us can be. Look at this huge mess we've made from the perspective I have, with the sense of awe and wonder, look at how small we are, how our perceptions as individuals and how they all mix together makes up this warped blend of realities where nobody really sees what anyone else sees but we all somehow effect everything all the time - if you expect me to respect your faith you must in turn respect my lack of faith. because all faith is somebody admitting that because there is no evidence of something, they will believe it even more... and that to question their unwavering certainty is disrespectful and blasphemous... it's crazy nonsense. Don't send me a message trying to "save me" save your fucking self... A being significant enough to create the entire universe and everything in it, including the billions of us on this planet (the majority of whom do not believe in it) would not care if I believe in it. It wouldn't care if you're trying to win points with it by bothering me about his book. I suggest you read a book called The God Delusion. Don't be scared of it. If you're right you're right and no questions or answers can change the fact that Jeebus died for your sins and all that stuff right? Ask yourself the tough questions and don't be scared of the real answers you come up with. Science is undeniable. It's always evolving, knowledge is being added to and revised as new evidence comes in. Fairy tales are obsolete and cumbersome. Let's move on... Life without god or superstition is NOT the cold and empty existence you might expect. Look at the size of this universe! There's no limit to how much we can know and discover! Why have these old myths about some gods that want to be smaller than science? Let's embrace our god given sense of wonder and curiosity... I love talking about big stuff, in fact, a heated discussion about the big picture is the quickest way to my heart. That's how I know we're friends. If we're having a discussion about the universe and god vs. batman and ghosts and all that don't call yourself "spiritual" if you aren't willing to try to explain what a spirit could logically be made of...
ummm... if jesus knew he was coming right back, how much of a sacrifice was it really? - if he could cure one man of blindness, why not cure them all? I'm not attracted to men, but if I had the chance (and the boner) I would hate-fuck Pat Robertson with a vicious ferocity of biblical proportions.
I am a vegetarian... but more accurately i call myself a vegaquarian because i do eat a lot of fish... my thing about eating aminals goes like this - if i could walk up to an animal and punch it in the face, then i could probably chow down on it. I can't do that to a cow - those things are fucking smart and sweet and they definitely have feelings just like dogs and cats and i could never just walk up and sock a dog in his grill. I could however swim up to a big ole tuna fish and punch it in the face! no problem, so net that bitch and reel it in, chop it up, slap his raw ass on some rice and get the fuck out of my way!
so we already covered religion a little here now let's talk politics at the dinner table, shall we? It's not politics, it's LIFE I am so tired of hearing "oh I don't like to talk politics" - ! - gay marriage isn't politics, it's the government sanctioning discrimination against a massive chunk of our population, denying them equal rights and upholding its idea of a religiously sacred ritual. Abortion isn't politics, it's the process of removing an embryo or fetus from the womb, a process the female body does naturally sometimes hundreds of times in her lifetime. Sometimes the little bundle of cells is smaller the fingernail clippings you throw away, certainly more cells than what makes up that flake of sunburn skin you peel off the day after a beach trip. A man can get drunk and fuck some random girl at a party and get right back to business the following day - for the rest of his life he could do whatever he wants and unless he contracted a disease from that careless party encounter he will never be inconvenienced or affected by that lapse of judgment. Meanwhile, the girl, forced to carry and raise that child will be stripped of any dreams or chances to live the life she wanted. - The embryo isn't trying to survive, it doesn't have a central nervous system yet for fuck's sake! let alone a mind or a will to live. (my opinion does change however once the fetus is developed enough to survive on its own outside of the mother's body. after that I do consider it killing a human being. But until it is actually born, I do not have the right to tell a woman what she is to do with her parasitic offspring.)
Don't glaze over and ignore the issues. it's not POLITICS, it's LIFE... Should we be starting wars and launching more pre-emptive strikes? "oh, i don't like politics" - well, innocent citizens don't like getting their legs blown off... if only they could avoid the whole thing by saying they don't like to talk politics... Should everyone who lives in the world's only "Superpower Nation" be covered under a health care plan that works? Should we expect honesty from our lawmakers, efficiency from our schools and teachers? Should our police PROTECT and SERVE or abuse their power? Should scientists be allowed to push their research without the government hindering progress for religion reasons while millions of people are left to die of diseases that should be cured by now all because a bunch of war mongering death merchants have you convinced that a bundle of stem cells smaller than an eyelash is a human life and that each human life is sacred??? - ! - "oh, i don't like to talk politics" - Anyway, yeah, if you've made it this far into my profile, I think we might be friends... .
this country has been taken over by Crooks And Liars
FUCK WAL-MART. I try my best to avoid supporting companies that have contributed to the destruction of the American Dream by strangling and starving independent and locally owned businesses. - My biggest weakness and hypocrisy in this matter is Starbucks, but I'm trying to avoid them too.
I REALLY REALLY LOVE LOVE.
I'm a pretty busy dude - I've got a few jobs and all of them are fun. I get to travel all over the world and trade germs with strangers via sweaty handshakes and inadvertently fired spit drops landing on my lips during loud conversations in even louder rooms. (what's the polite thing to do in that situation? - i normally wait until the person looks away, then i wipe the offending drop away with a stealthy swipe) so yeah, my life is cool - I get to expose my innermost insecurities to thousands of people at a time and i get paid money to let people stare at me. odd. i love sushi. i miss the days of pagers, because back then people didn't expect everyone to drop everything and talk about unimportant shit 24 hours a day. so I hate cell phones most of the time, some days I just listen to it ringing in my pocket and I don't even look at it - know why? Cuz that thing ain't the boss of me, that's why. I love New York almost as much as I love my home town, but I don't think I could ever move there because I need a back yard. Am I obsessed with the end of the world? - who isn't? It's hard to ignore... This world is a scary place to be right now - There are extremists on both sides waging holy wars and denying common sense and science and they've got millions of ignorant fuckers following them. Meanwhile our planet is getting ready to self destruct right under our feet. it's a scary time... but then again, every generation thinks it's the last one... Right?..my grandkids will laugh at me for this because it's gonna be way worse for them. I've learned that the best way to know who you are and how you've lived is to write it out.. so no, I didn't write this because I was bored. I don't get bored. on top of all the other shit i freak out about constantly... now i fear for our youth... fanatics are the ire of civilization... isn't it fucking frightening that our leaders are standing at podiums and talking about shit like "the fight for civilization" and "the struggle of our time" - the FATE OF THE WORLD - ! - what the fuck? it's lord of the rings, comic book shit... all because of "God" - it's fucking crazy, it's the 21st century and we're still doing this?...you kids are all sluts and perverts! and if you aren't fucking perverted fiends yet, you will be soon. haha. part of me loves it... the other parts, scared silly. wear condoms, kiddies! and girls, remember - you don't need to take a hot shot to the face to show your love... chin omelets aren't really a legitimate sign of affection. we're doomed. If I die under mysterious circumstances, or "suicide" - it was the Feds. I had to learn to love myself in order to survive.
I sometimes stop, when I'm walking on a freeway overpass, just to look at all the cars and think about how bizarre it is that each one has a different person in it, living a different life, seeing everything through their own pair of eyes and thinking about whatever random shit people think about - there are so many of them and for just a few minutes they're all heading in the same direction.
I was in the car with my girl and I was talking about how i hate people a lot of the time - not that i hate persons, but people disgust me... she said "I love people for what they're capable of, but hate them for what they choose to do." - pretty much summed it up right there...
I'm gone a lot, i miss my home. I love waking up in my own bed, with my favorite person in the world sleeping on me. I am a softie - a HOPEFUL ROMANTIC. I am used to being dirty and sweaty - touring in a rock band is like camping but louder. I am still getting used to cameras.
god damn, reading this about me is torturous! haha - it's a disjointed rat's nest of bullshit!
Sometimes I find an outfit or a pair of pants or something that feel so comfortable I just wear them like a costume, every day, until they're either really stinky or I move on to the next costume. I spend way too much money on trips to record stores and my god-damned cell phone...
I have the sneaking suspicion my iPhone is spying on me for the federal government.
I'm ashamed of the ignorance of our nation
I have been called a faggot by random people driving by and screaming at me as I’m walking somewhere - it's usually while I’m minding my own biznass on my way to find coffee or to a music store or something - it's ALWAYS in the south. That shit never happens to me at home. What is it about other people's sex lives that ignorant rednecks are so obsessed with? - And what if I really was gay and happened to have a gun on me? - Our society is slipping backwards. I feel comfortable saying I do not believe in God. (And NO, that doesn't mean i worship "Satan") haha. I don't worship anything but love or anyone but myself and the people I love, and I think that is beautiful enough on its own - we don't need fairies or angels or invisible men in the sky to make that make sense anymore, do we? - To me, watching suicide bombers and soldiers dying in some holy war is like watching people kill each other over gang colors or which of the 6 Star Wars episodes they believe is more 'accurate.' - ooops, there I go on the GOD topic again... maybe I should write another book just about religion?
I wish I could live a hundred lives and learn something completely different each time, get shitloads of perspectives on life... be rich, be poor, be a scientist, or an athlete - there is so much more to life than we could ever understand - but that shouldn't stop us from trying to understand it.
I have an obsession with discovering and retaining weird facts and bullshit. since i was 15 I’ve remembered that the square route of 9801 is 99, just so I could pretend I knew what the fuck I was talking about when the smart kids would fuck with me. people should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people. I got sent out of art class a lot in high school because I asked questions the teacher couldn't answer - happens to be the same reason I stopped going to church. I was raised following the "if it's yellow leave it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down" philosophy. I don't think a band's job is to jump and spin around on stage - a band's job is to play music and be confident and comfortable on stage. these days i go to shows and feel like I’m at the women's quarterfinals of some silly gymnastics competition. I once killed a man, with a trident. I used to steal something just about every day when i was a kid, but now I'm totally ashamed of that.Speaking of which, I used to drive really fast but now I'm the probably dude you're honking at and passing up on the freeway. I just realized that the difference in time you save by driving like a jackass is really not worth what could happen... well, that and the god damned state of California took my driver's license away so i gotta drive safely ;) I know the speed of light in miles per hour (669,600,000mph) why? I love peanut butter and honey sandwiches. I miss skateboarding, once upon a time I was pretty damned good. I still like to jump off of high things. I think I'm a dork and I often wonder what people are thinking or saying about me when I'm not around. I sometimes am overwhelmed by the feeling that everyone around me hates me. I don't mind being short, I'd actually rather be short than tall, people don't expect much from the little guy so there's an element of surprise. I can't stand bigots or homophobes. If you call people faggots, please delete me from your list and don't ever talk to me. I appreciate negative feedback, I just have a funny way of showing my appreciation. I respect soldiers for doing something I could never do to protect my freedom to choose the life I want to lead. So thank you, guys and gals.
I've only wanted to hit someone in the face with a baseball bat a couple of times in my whole life and that's the god's honest truth.
I was recently told by a young girl that her parents won't let her order my book "not because of the content, but the author..." - I've been banned! At least I'm in good company. I decided to send her a free copy. (don't even try this to get your own free copy, it was a one-time thing and i was in a mooood)
I recently broke a long habit of pulling my dick out and showing it to people, though I still bite my fingernails. disgusting habit.
It's not will power I'm short on... It's won't power.
I hate when people make spelling errors on signs, menus, memos, anything for public viewing... (let me know if you've found typos here) and I hate when people type shit like "U R" instead of "you are or you're" - I like when people know the difference between there, their, and they're... but I can't blame people for being confused. for the longest time i couldn't spell tomorrow correctly, and i still can't spell the word 'necessary'.
keep this in mind at all times, rolling horse shit in powdered sugar doesn't make it a doughnut.
I (used to)like to do drugs, but I don't very often. I still try things here and there, just to know what they're all about, but I can't let myself get wrapped up in that shit because I have an extremely addictive and dependant tendency. -
I think it's strange how we in America think we live some unrestricted, free lifestyle when we aren't even allowed to curse or show breasts on television, they don't show anything real about war on television - it's just pretty fireballs bathed in that sick green of night vision cameras, why not show people bleeding? why not show the tragic results of innocent families losing loved ones? what's the worst that could happen? oh, that's right, people might actually think war is a bad thing and not support it, then where will all the defense contractors make their billions?...
do a little international traveling and I think you'll gain a more accurate perspective on who the rest of the world thinks America is. By the way, if you're one of those retards who has a "BOYCOTT FRANCE" bumper sticker, or you say the words "FREEDOM FRIES" with a straight face - you should start a petition to give the Statue of Liberty back to the French. I drink whiskey and coke most of the time, so if you spot me at the bar, skip steps one and two and proceed straight to the "handing me my fucking drink" phase, do not pass go, do not collect $200. <[i>Editor's note: As of February 2007 I am a non-drinker, or rather, a non-drunk... so just buy my music or a book instead]
I love the ocean. I like watching documentaries about history and wars. I love guns but i kinda hate violence. that's fucked up.
I wish I could get pregnant and carry a little person in my belly - I'm not sure yet, which hole I'd squeeze the little one out of though. But if that was an option I would do it for my wifey so she doesn't have to.
I was born with a heart murmur, so don't be sneaking up on me, creeps.
I have read the bible front to back, something most Christians i know haven't done.
I think there have been mass extinctions (near-extinctions, I should say) of human beings on this planet before, and I think it will happen again. very soon if the Neo-Cons and Evangelist whackos keep it up...
I believe the history books will portray 2001 as the onset of world war 3... and the people responsible for all of it will watch from their comfy chairs - dreaming of how they'll spend their loot.
I like fishing but I never catch anything. someday I'd like to fly a plane.
I can admit when I'm wrong, but I never need to because I'm never wrong ;)
I love how fragile everything is.
! I am glad I get to travel a lot, I think traveling does more to develop a person's sense of self than anything else. I can piss while I’m walking. I enjoy time alone - I love taking walks by myself and listening to music. if I spend too much time alone I end up doing strange things to my body. I've learned it's ok sometimes to say "I don't know" I get really shy sometimes and people think I am an asshole because I don't talk to them, but that's just not it at all. I think just about all of my best friends hated my guts before they got to know me - I guess I'm just one of those types of people. I'm really sarcastic but I know when to allow myself to be sincere and vulnerable. I don't mind people knowing about personal stuff, as long as they know only what I choose to disclose. I think it's terrible how little respect some people have for personal boundaries sometimes.
I've been told I am very masculine and very feminine - which I take as a great compliment.
I get hit on by gay men a lot, which I also think is flattering. oooops, just bought myself a ticket to burn in Hell for acting like gay people should be treated equal - why do i keep doing that!? Forgive me oh heavenly father god, but why'd you let me think that if I wasn't supposed to? - oh, and if I'm not supposed to masturbate, how come my hands rest naturally in that position? more importantly, why'd ya design me with a happy button in my asshole if I'd go to hell for sticking my finger up there? - just wondering....
I think the world would be a much happier, safer place if it were run by women. Yes, I have lots of tattoos, No, I won't send you pictures of them... I hate talking about tattoos, I think most of mine are trashy and if I could go back in time I probably wouldn't get any. Not that I regret it, just think it would be nice to be able to blend in when I feel the need to disappear. I'm currently in the process of removing one from my neck, which is way more painful than getting it in the first place. I'm kinda paranoid and people scare the shit out of me, especially when mob mentality kicks in, that's some freaky shit. I am on instant messenger a lot because that's the only way I think I can interact with fans of the band. I used to hang out and get drinks with people after shows but the thought of doing that is fucking frightening to me now.... I know a lot of people are going to think I'm a dick because I'm probably going to be pretty hard to get close to on tour, but that's just how it's gotta be... I think it sucks that people don't really collect CDs anymore - downloading is cool and all, but I don't think I’ll ever stop collecting CDs and records. I remember growing up staring at record covers and shuffling through albums and how that helped shape me, I'll be damned if my kids are going to discover music by flipping through a binder of burned CDR's. though i love my ipod very dearly, it's basically just a tiny CD holder for me because i bought legit copies of (almost) everything on it. I'm developing a real fondness for jazz and folk music lately. My job is neat because I can play with my balls all day and not get fired for it. I think feet are my least favorite part of the body. I'm a good sculptor, but I’ve only tried it a few times. I'm fascinated by doctors and surgery and psychology, but scared shitless by all of it at the same time. did you know that the human brain smells really bad? I have broken a few hearts into little bits, but like they say- if you wanna make an omelet, ya gotta break some eggs. I love a good joke, but i have trouble telling them well and even more trouble remembering them in the first place. I have a terrible habit of interrupting people while they're talking, but it's not because I'm not listening, I just get anxious to share my opinion.
I think I believe in ghosts, but I'm not sure if I believe they are what most people think they are. - manifestations of our thoughts? echoes of energy? hallucinations?
I was not a popular kid in school, but i hung out with some of them enough to know they were just as insecure and awkward as i was. I think it's really sad that some people look back on their school days as the best times of their lives. I will never attend a high school reunion, so if you're organizing one, leave me alone. I don't consider myself to be very tough, like a fighter or anything, but i love pain and I would never let anything happen to anyone I love. I used to have a habit of begging people to punch me in the face when I'd get really drunk - first time I pulled that shit in England I got fucking clobbered by a girl. A lot of friends of mine that are in bands are afraid to be blunt and truthful with people when they criticize their band, like they're scared to lose a fan if they talk back - I don't agree. I look at it like someone buying a CD of my music is maybe five cents in my pocket eventually?- and I don't take shit from people for that. Takes a few more bucks to buy my dignity! haha... (everyone's got a price) If you think it's funny to talk shit about a band, even if you say you're joking later and you're a big fan, you can fuck off, I'll give you your nickel back, it's worthless to me.
I like designing stuff. websites, posters, CD packages, video editing, print layouts - it all gives me boners.
my hoodie collection will make you jealous
I love brushing my teeth, especially first thing in the morning. I smoked cigarettes from the age of 14 to 28 and finally quit for good in august of 2006! I try not to be preachy about it, and to quote countless retards in infomercials "if I can't do, so can you!" - but seriously, quitting smoking was so fucking hard... the hardest thing i have ever done, but i feel like i got a second chance. i feel good. I love swimming and playing with my dogs. Feeling like I'm going to live a lot longer, I feel younger now than i did when i was a teenager, just no longer invincible.
my friends laugh at me because I’m convinced the world's coming to an end... but IT IS!~ haha... bird flu, global warming, nukes, hurricanes, bush and his gang, etc... I get too wrapped up in all of it sometimes and I start to go a little batty, my wife usually knows when I’ve been going too deep into stuff and tells me to chill out on it, or not watch the news for a while. watching the news is like a hobby for me. did you know the government just passed a law making it ok for the NSA to harvest and compile personal data from social networking sites? (like myspace) - I think that's pretty creepy... I think it sucks that anything other than the "official story" is considered a crazy conspiracy theory - there's so much to both sides of every story and it disgusts me to see how complacent people can be in our country. the fact that more people vote for American idol than for the president makes me want to vomit. I think it's funny that some people think someone who criticizes the government isn't patriotic, when the people's freedom to ask questions and demand accountability is the basis of a democracy. I hate when people use the word "gay" when describing something that's fucked up. I think it's crazy that people still hurt each other based on who they choose to have sex with, or what color they are... we've come so far, but we still do that shit - boggles my mind. ok, that's enough about gay people. except that some of my best friends are gay and you shouldn't be mean to them. same with black guys... black guys are neat, so be nice to them. I think it's funny that we're so high tech but we still wipe shit off our asses with paper... but we wash our hands with anti-bacterial soap. makes no sense. I like to set goals and achieve them. big or small. there's always something to do... one of my biggest regrets in life is that I never took music classes and I didn't go to art school - but there's always time to go back, I guess. my least favorite thing in the world is when I’ve lost something and I’m looking everywhere to find it. I have a VERY short fuse. no, wait, I think my least favorite thing is when my cell phone drops a call. I fucking SNAP! I think music, art and comedy are magical in their ability to shape the way people think - influencing their decision-making, and therefore changing the world. I think it's very sad when people don't seek out new things, or when they're happy eating up whatever is being spoon fed to them... music in particular - there are so many records out there to discover that if you started listening to them, non-stop, back to back from the moment you were born until the second you died you wouldn't have heard even a tiny fraction of it, that makes me sad a little bit, to know there are so many songs I’ll never hear, so many books I’ll never read and films I’ll never see - but at least I know it's not because I didn't try...
I DON'T WANT TO MOVE TO FACEBOOK, I just got all my furniture and knick-knacks all set up here!
I like to get things done and I can be a control freak, I know that about myself... and frankly, I dig it. I tend to become a crazy, unstoppable monster when I drink too much. I always think I’m the life of the party but in reality I'm "That Guy" - it's something I absolutely hate about myself, but it doesn't happen as often as it used to. So I’m making progress. I think I might be manic depressive or bi-polar, it runs in my family, but it's a part of my personality and sometimes I think it helps with my job, so I don't think I’ll be getting on any pills. nothing against people being on medication, I think that can be a great help... I just think it should be a last resort, not the first thing people try. I used to have thoughts of suicide on a daily basis, but as I’ve gotten older and passed through more and more dark periods I’ve learned that nothing is ever as bad as it seems at first, everything has a way of fixing itself and that giving up would be a terrible thing to put my family and friends through... I hate when people ignore kids who are depressed, or when they think a kid has nothing to be depressed about - those teen years are fucking hard, and nobody but that kid knows what's going on in his/her head, that time is so difficult - and I’m so surprised and grateful for having made it through mine. I'm getting older, getting a few gray hairs, which I wear as badges of honor... so far I have survived more than a year longer than I thought I would when I was kid. I think people would feel much happier if they stopped dreading and denying the inevitable, we all get old (if we're lucky) and we all die - there's a real beauty in accepting that. I manage to love living without the aid of belief in a higher power, I know that's not right for everyone and though I hate the wars and the tragedy that religions have caused, I don't hate religion or spirituality and I don't think people who believe in god are stupid, I actually kind of envy them, I wish I could believe in something like that, but I can't. I believe in myself, and I believe in instinctual goodness that all people have... so yeah, I’m starting to feel the weight of age setting in but I think I’m getting sharper and more optimistic every day and I’m looking forward to growing old with my wife, she's my best friend, absolutely my favorite person in the universe and I believe we were meant to be together from the start. she is the only person in the world who understands me completely and i would be lost in this life without her. I believe in happy accidents and coincidences too, but I do think that everything happens exactly how it's supposed to... I guess it's like accepting fate, but knowing at the same time that it's all made up of millions of chances stacked on top of each other, bouncing off each other, squeezing together into something really beautiful. my life has been one dream come true after another, with some tears in between... I'm obsessed with balance and duality, the idea that good can't exist without bad and you can never know how great you can feel unless you know just how far you can fall. I think sometimes about how crazy it is that if I had decided to do something else, or go somewhere other than where I went the day I met the members of my band my life would be completely different. think about where you are right now and try to trace your steps back, I’m sure you'll come up with a long long list of people you should say thanks to. :)
I am NOT a "Googler" - I read actual books about the topics that interest me.
I had dreams of being an author since before I could remember, slowly those dreams shifted their focus to being the singer in a great rock 'n roll band - my mom and my step dad raised me to love and appreciate music and art and I owe them everything for that... I think I would have given up on it all by now if it weren't for the support of my wife. I think I believe in aliens, but I don't think they've ever been here... I take that back, I'm from outer space. I find body language completely enthralling. I don't have a favorite color. [editor's note! this just in: RED RED RED!] birds are [were] dinosaurs. I think evolution is the only explanation for why I have nipples and a tailbone, and whales have thumb bones. special note to religious extremists who think science is the devil's distraction: the whole "if we evolved from monkeys then why do monkeys still exist?" is a completely idiotic argument and you need to go back to school... I prefer my coffee from a paper cup with a plastic lid. i want to get tattooed by kat von d I have thousands of pages of journal entries and poetry dating from 1996 to the present contained in black bound books, I’d estimate it's about 95% garbage. I still have dreams where I can fly. Organized religion is a big old bullshit game of dungeons & dragons that's just gotten way out of control. Allah and God are the same thing (a figment of your imagination) So stop killing each other, you fucking nuts! That being said, I don't believe in having idols, I have smelled celebrities, they smell just as bad, or worse than me...
the following is the beginning of a book I decided not to write, so instead i posted it here...:
Last time I quit smoking cigarettes I think I made it maybe something like twenty-eight days before my whole world took a huge, deep, wheezy breath and then decided to explode. Now, I don’t want you to think this is just a story about some schmuck trying to kick a nasty smoking habit… Well, it is a story about some schmuck trying to kick a nasty smoking habit but I promise you, there’s more to it than that. I swear it’s totally deep and important and vastly more relevant than the sloppy compilation of stream-of-consciousness journal entries it may, to the untrained eye, appear to be. At least that’s what I have decided to tell myself in order to muster up the confidence necessary to tackle a task as monumental as authoring a thin, sophomoric and ultimately inconsequential paperback book that, in the end, virtually nobody will read.
So, yeah, back to business:
BOOM! The fireball was fucking incredible! The noises were really big and ugly and when the blinding clouds of dust finally settled, I was a wailing baby curled up on the floor in the living room of my apartment. I was wild and violently shivering and barfing broken sentences through round after round of sobbing. Pathetic! I must have been taken by surprise by a very well orchestrated sneak-attack, an ambush carried out with surgical precision and thunderous ferocity by a vicious platoon of bloodthirsty “issues.” There had to be more to blame for this episode than simple symptoms of nicotine withdrawal. The Gates of Hell must have swung open directly beneath me, like a terrible trap door… Something drastic and violent must have been behind it all. I was searching for rationalization. I needed something, anything to validate my collapse. I could see myself from outside my body. My performance was masterful. I was box office gold. Oh, if only I were acting. As preposterous as my behavior had become, what with the clenching fists and melodrama, I was not acting. None of it was contrived. This wasn’t one of those band-aids-n-stomach-pumps-bullshit cries for help. I was dead serious and could not control myself. I was falling fast and I could do nothing to slow my descent. I was suffocating, choking on a feeling of utter hopelessness and blindly throwing my hands around, hoping to grab hold of even the smallest clue – anything to help me understand how I could have fallen so hard and so suddenly. I had been down in holes like that before and I had recently learned to recognize the signs of an impending break down, with my ear to the ground I could hear the far off rumble of the enemy cavalry, faint and distant. Plenty of time to dig in and prepare for battle. This time I was caught off guard. I was confused. I guess I just didn’t see it coming. I remember feeling like I had been shattered into a billion tiny pieces and there I was, going on and on about how my entire life was just a worthless cluster fuck of high expectations and soul-crushing letdowns. My short time on this horrible planet was a dizzy collage of heartbreaking failures, artistic disasters and tons of careless little fuck ups. All of my hard work and determination, so many years of chasing my childish and unrealistic dreams had amounted to a big fat void that suddenly refused to be ignored. It occurred to me that to do what I wanted to do and to be who I wanted to be, I had a plan that pretty much amounted to spinning the roulette wheel or tossing some dice. I was relying on a string of a million one-in-a-million shots, one after the other. Who the fuck did I think I was? I was a complete waste of everybody’s time. That was it. The charade was through. I was going to be caught before long - They all had me figured out. I was aimless and meandering, all the while playing it off as though I was on some poetic quest, like I had some brilliant vision. I was just trying to convince everyone that my slacker’s aversion to steady employment wasn’t just laziness, it was really a valiant refusal to give up on myself; something admirable as though I were a strong, focused, gutsy renegade on some heroic, damn-the-man crusade… But I was a fraud. I was a fake and I was ready to be finished. I was sick of it all and I just wanted to disappear. For probably the third or fourth time in my life I had actually planned out the perfect suicide. (I’ve found that this is actually a very common practice among young adults, seems like everyone has mapped out their fantasy suicide scenario. Ask your friends. You’ll be surprised at how thoroughly many of them have thought it out.) The only problem with my plan this time was that there were actually a few people hanging around now who gave a shit about me. Because of this, my dramatic exit strategy shriveled up and began to reek of chicken shit and selfishness. Of course this wasn’t the first time I had considered checking out ahead of schedule and unfortunately, I’m sure it won’t be the last, but I’m starting to think a little bit differently about my life and my purpose, and peace of mind I think I might be kinda leaning in a new direction. I used to consider suicide an honorable thing to do, an act of courage. Hell, everybody respects the Samurai – There’s no arguing with that. It’s a ballsy move. You’d draw your own line in the sand and you alone would choose when and how to cross that line. It’s your fate to control. You’d manipulate your own destiny down to the last detail. Oh, to choose the time and place like that… In a final act of cocksure fucking defiance, you could snatch that last little piece of control from the almighty hands of that shocked and dumbfounded asshole up in the sky, leave him along with everyone else to wonder where he’d gone wrong. This always had an irresistible allure, ever since I could remember I totally idolized anyone who had the guts to punch the clock before the quittin’ bell rang. Predictably, I accept no responsibility for these feelings; I am a Cobain Kid, after all.
I will always remember that April, clear like it was just this year… I think I may have been the perfect age when that fateful shot was fired. Kids a few years older weren’t so shaken up and kids a bit younger just didn’t get it, but I know for a fact that most of the class of ’96 (along with some of the kids a year or two immediately before and after us) had been deeply affected. Ever since that spring, various hipsters and self styled pop culture historians in the pages of music magazines and VH1 countdowns have debated the relevance and importance of Cobain and Nirvana pre-suicide versus post-suicide. Many argue that a mysterious death under dubious circumstances had elevated an otherwise average artist to the messianic status of an icon. Though I’d agree his legacy was certainly cemented for the history books that day, I also have to make it known that Nirvana was my favorite band when it happened. I was actually rattled by the news, so much so that my mother suggested I take a few days off from school that week to pull myself together. My mother’s generation, each and every one of them, remembers exactly where they were and what they were doing the moment they heard Kennedy had been capped. Way back in the thirties our grandparents had their Great Depression and us kids brought up on grunge and heroin chic had ours. I know this comparison would seem silly to my parents or grandparents, but I’m not writing this for them. Cobain’s suicide was a catalyst for us. It cut us deep and it taught us how to live with loss, or at least, it taught us that nothing was certain or permanent. Nothing was guaranteed and no one was to be trusted to speak for us, ever again. Bob Dylan was the voice of a generation and he stuck around to grow old, satisfied and maybe a little complacent. But the voice of our generation was just getting started when we succumbed to hopelessness, depression and insecurities. After that, self-destruction was neatly packaged and sold. Alienation was a marketing tool they knew they could count on because we could all relate. It seemed raw and real and dangerously addictive and, of course, we were all hopelessly devoted. We were all hooked… Okay, I’m done blaming Grunge for everything. Let’s move on… Dying for art. Or at the very least coming off as though you would be willing to die for your art. That’s what it all boils down to. It’s this ethos I think comes from growing up in the nineties. We take ourselves very, very seriously and expect the same of everyone else. We want to be loud because we want to be heard. We need to leave our mark and we can’t be satisfied with doing what’s expected of us.
Going back to Nirvana again… By the way, I promise this will be the last Nirvana analogy in this chapter. (However I can not promise I won’t somehow find my way back to Kurt Cobain a few more times between the covers of this book.) Maybe Cobain had no idea what he was talking about in half the lyrics he wrote but pulling that trigger proved he was dead serious. He may not have known what he meant, but he knew he meant it. That was the whole point! The rest of the guys, Eddie Vedder, Scott Weiland, Chris Cornell, they’re all still alive but who gives a shit about Chris Cornell now? Nobody but a bunch of Audioslaves and they’re just the tired, grown up and boring versions of the dopes from highschool who were probably listening to silly horseshit like Boyz 2 Men in the early nineties.
I have always lived for art. As a kid I never wanted to grow up to be anything other than some sort of artist. I was going to be a painter, a writer, a musician or whatever. I was going to make a mark with something, it didn’t matter if it was a brush or a pen or a guitar… So now I have this ingrained notion that my life as an artist would be over the day I had anything more than my art to live for.
moving right along - more random stuff...
recently there was this big drama about an artist who tied a dog up in the corner of a room and starved it to death. people freaked out - the courts decided it was art and he should be allowed to do it. - it made a lot of people furious and the artist was getting death threats... a friend asked me what i thought of it and i asked if she was a vegetarian... i think it's terrible what he's doing, but he's drawing attention to something we've all gotten good at ignoring - well, two things - we farm animals in cruel conditions and essentially torture them, then we chop them up and eat them. why does that not make people as furious as what this artist did to that dog? secondly, where's the uproar about human beings starving by the thousands all over the world? granted, i haven't done a whole lot to help them either - but it just strikes me as odd that people don't seem to care about their own species starving at the hand of corrupt governments and ruthless tribal warlords, but they'll be so enraged by one man killing a dog that they start petitions and start movements to stop him. (then probably eat either a pig or a cow or a chicken for dinner that night)
I'm not claiming to be immune to the hypocrisy, I'm just trying to point it out.
I think artists are the whistleblowers of our society - the voices that speak up first and focus attention on issues - artists change the world, more so than politicians a lot of the time because they stir passion in people and motivate them. this man and his starving dogs are no different. i wouldn't choose to express myself how he has but I wouldn't want the responsibility of deciding where the line is drawn for freedom of speech and expression.
(I've since been informed that the artist wasn't really doing such horrid things - point stills stands that artists are responsible for shining light on issues otherwise ignored b