Triskaidekaphobic

I like jokes!! ----------------------------------------------------------- MARRIAGE: A wife wakes up of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. Checking around the house, she hears sounds from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she finds her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing."Honey, what’s wrong?" she asks."Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, and your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?""Yes, of course," she replies. "Well, I would have been released tonight." ----------------------------------------------------------- DOCTORS: Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to pick up his wife's test results.When he gets there, the nurse at the counter tells him that there is a small problem."We sent your wife's blood in with another Mrs. Smith and the two tests results got mixed up. Now we don't know which test is your wife's and the results were bad and worse," she says."Well, tell me the results for each test," he replies."One test came back positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other came back positive for AIDS," the nurse says. "Oh my god…what am I going to do?" Mr. Smith asks."Oh, don't worry, the doctor came up with an idea," the nurse replies reassuringly. "He said to drive your wife to the middle of town and drop her off there. If she remembers her way back home, don't fuck her." -----------------------------------------------------------P OLITICS: Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,” Clinton insists.Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”