American Airlines destroyed my laptop and refused to pay for it.
Don't fly American Airlines.I'm Jerry.
11% of Iceland is covered by glaciers.
If you thought I was cold before, you can only imagine how I feel now.
I'm also a small arms nuclear weapons dealer.
I assemble Truth Bombs daily.
When they fall, they will hurt.
The truth usually does.
I like sweets.
But not the kind that make you fat.
I don't put up with bullshit, ask my ex.
If you made fun of me at Douglas High School, don't try to be friends with me now, I will spit in your face.
Read this profile before you make your ASSumptions about me.
I've never got drunk, smoked cigs, or done drugs.
Don't believe me? Tough shit.
I prefer Blockbuster nights and popcorn fights over bright lights and bar rights.
I'm an actor.
My demo reel says I'm good at what I do.
If you don't like what you see or read, don't come here.
The picture has been painted, take it or leave it.
I have no one to impress, only something to prove to a loved one that passed; his name is Jesse Bochette.
I'm living proof that hard work and determination pay off.
If you want something bad enough, then go get it.
When I die I want my ashes mixed with the gun powder that goes into the bullet which kills the guy who created cancer.
OTH from Jerry Ascione on Vimeo .
Some say a picture is worth a thousand words, this one is only worth 4.
Top 10 Guy Turn-offs (in no particular order)
1. HUGE FAKE TITS - Spend the extra couple of bucks and get them done right. And no, we won't pay for them.
2. TONS OF MAKEUP - If we wanted to see that with your huge fake tits, we'd go to a strip club.
3. DESIGNER SHIT - Ladies, if you can afford it (and most of you can't), god bless you, but don't front a $100,000 lifestyle with $50 in your purse livin at home. Puhlease.
4. DEBT - Goes back to #3. Bounced checks? What are you a basketball player? Repossessed cars? Get real, children. Get your credit cards paid too. And no, we won't pay them.
5. SPRAY TAN - Seriously....who are you kidding??!?!?!?!?
6. LACK OF EDUCATION - Go to school bitch....unless you're a stripper :]
7. LIARS - Nuff said.
8. ALCOHOLIC / COKE HEAD - The most unclassy thing to be. Grow up, no one gives a shit how annihilated you got last night, nor how much coke you snorted.
9. UNFAITHFUL - It's not cool to hook up with a whole area code. Especially when you're dating someone.
10. DEPENDENT BITCHES - Show some class.
P.S. At the end of the day no one cares what kind of shoes you are wearing, only where those shoes have been. Remember you can pay for school, but you can't buy class. Ultimatum's work, they force individual's to make decisions, instead of bullshitting the rest of their lives.
I write and say what most of you think. If you are offended; trust me, you are guilty as charged.
LLRT Bracelet Promo Video
>...ever ran so far that you just become tired? well, i'm extremely tired...let's get something straight, this train fucking stops when i derail it, most of you copy ass haters are mere passengers on this train wreck i've created ...IF YOU TAKE AN EXCERPT FROM ME HAVE THE DECENCY TO PUT MY NAME NEXT TO IT... I don't wish upon a star, I create the aircraft that enables you to touch it, motherfucker...you won't understand my pain until your hand has touched the shovel that has buried the one's you love...place your palm on the left side of my chest...now you know what i'm talking about...i am a product of good advice from great men...my life has become one big metaphor...i'd rather be a board of director from enron than fly with travis barker...corporate america will eventually suffocate the middle class...i wake up every single morning and jog a big 6 mile circle...i used to think i jogged to get in shape, but i realized i was running away from my problems...the problem is i always end up at the exact same place i started at...i've got tons of people dying to see me fail...keep holding your breath...despite what you've heard, or what you assume, i have never cheated on any of my ex's...you can call all of them, they all hate me, but i was always faithful...listen...love doesn't kill slowly, love doesn't exist. heartbeats are manufactured machines made by corporate america. <--------You don't have permission to steal that but I know you will...i've used my heart for everything but beating...i'd rather be hunting with dick cheney than driving with JFK...guns kill people, just like spoons made rosie odonnell fat...people and bullets kill people, overeating made rosie fat...14 days ago was the 2nd worst day of my life <--that one will take you a little while to figure out as the days go on...you made fun of me in high school and now you what to be my friend and call when you see my commercials?!?!?!!? the phone keeps ringing...fuck bitches who think their shit don't stink...i linger in your mind, i can't even remember your name, bitch...i whisper sweet NOTHING into your ears...justice is not blind, darling, it is bought and paid for...and majority always, always wins...when i was in middle school, i NEVER got my permission slips signed...i didn't need to...ridiculously big tipper... fill up at every station, despite the price, this tank will still be empty...humans, in general, are huge disappointments...let me repeat that...girls, in general, are huge disappointments...p.s. only pussies key cars...i have a single reaction theory that 1 person can change the lives of many...some of us step on love every single day and don't even realize it, we walk aimlessly toward a prize that never existed...the next time you take a step in what you think is the right direction....look down...you could be stepping on the one you love to get one step closer to a goal you will never reach...i have the picture to prove it...check the bank all you want, you won't find any evidence, but i robbed it, i have the suitcase to prove it...mortgage brokers are fuckin scumbags dressed in cheap clothes...i'm proud to be in that category...the more you make as a broker the bigger the dirt ball you are...hopefully i'll get to the point where everyone hates me...some broker's never grow up, fucking non-educated children...real ballers don't owe people money...after closely watching all of my ex girlfriends, i am convinced it is impossible to put on mascara with your mouth closed...most of you girls are recycled trash anyway, think about it, the garbage man cums to pick u up twice a week...just for the record true friends don't hook up with your ex...you faggots are merely eating the crumbs from my table...by the way, how does my dick taste?...remember true friends stab you in the front...my career is soaring, your plane is still at the terminal...i jumped off the bridge just to feel alive...ask me again and i'll tell you the same, 9/11 was an inside job...our government is corrupt...voting is fucking stupid, especially when your vote doesn't count...the IRS and taxes are bullshit, find me one law that requires you to pay taxes...wake up...who could have predicted my blood type was the grades i got all thru school (A+)...i eat small meals every 2 hours...if cleanliness is next to godliness, then i've been to heaven many times...i don't believe medication is the answer...actor's are legalized prostitutes, you pay to use our services and use us at will, we've become products, i'm okay with that, our STD is Hollywood...it's great to be a "has-been", when you're classified as a "never-was"...cell phones are the fall of man, i called it 3 years ago..that and calculators...i have the confidence to sell mass quantities of ammunition to those who need it...i truly loved her, i have the restraining order to prove it...i miss my live-in-maid, honestly...i'm an ex-illegal streetcar racer that had way too much fun, i never knew when to let go of the gas...racing for money is a drug in it's own class...i'm grateful my addiction never killed me...come to my pool, it's very shallow, I'm sure you'll fit right in...<--------you don't have permission to steal that, but some of you did...artists don't lie, we have better things to do...sniveling ass bitches talk shit, but when they are confronted their tune changes...if you can't stand me and don't want anything to do with me, then why are you reading this????? think about it, hooker...you'll pose nude holding your boobs, but won't model underwear? LMFAO...lurk ass whiny bitches...you struck out once honey, baseball just isn't your sport. be careful the next time you step up to my plate, i might call it in 2 innings...i've learned from teachers that taught lessons they never learned themselves...wake the fuck up, you vent off to me, but when I speak you've heard enough?!?!?!?...some bitches need to step down from their "princess cloud" because they are fooling no one...i've been more places than you, don't believe me? peep my albums then hit me back...by the way, going out every night drinking is fucking stupid...if you have no direction in your life, we have nothing in common...loyalty, honesty, discover, think, trust, question, make it happen, react, respect, revenge, sacrifice, personal vendetta, all great vocab words...personal loss.pull the plug.let me go.i have my own electricity.i don't need yours...i didn't start the fire, i'm merely looking for the exit...focused passion. trust me...my vision is not yours, so why do you continue to borrow my glasses, use your own...the nightmares became reality...writing letters to a girl that doesn't respond...believe me doll, i can walk away from anything...some girls are just jealous of others and talk shit, it's sad, get prettier...dear, i hope you are able to sleep your way to the top...just know when i get there, my bed will be empty...i don't care how many friends you have on myspace, you're still a nobody...i hate light, especially when i have to pee at 3 am...i've recently become obsessed with helping people...if you think of yourself before your friends, we have nothing in common...i now know what she meant, someday you will ache like i ache...if you think you are better than me, turn on the TV and then hit me back...consume less...scream all you want, i'm not listening...if you want me bad, you'll have to ask nicer than that...i didn't paint the gloomy picture, i only hung it for you to see...procrastination is sinning for me, i'm trying to be as holy as possible in my latter years...draw the line on your friends, you might be surprised who goes to either side...true friends show up when you're in the hospital...i spend my time with people who want to spend time with me, i spun my wheels when i had a hot wheel, i've since upgraded my bike...for so many years i sat in the backseat watching the dreams pass me by, since i've become the driver nothing passes me now...your excuses mean nothing to me, save your breath...the game has never changed, just the players in it...black or white with me darling, there are no gray crayons in my box...i'm not in a band, and i have zero tattoos, sorry to disappoint you...and i dont do steriods, sorry to offend you...if making good videos on youtube paid, I'd be a millionaire...start a fire and chemically burn every love equation that never made sense...i'm a pharmaceutical company that manufactures situational pills to hard to swallow...smash to pieces anything beautiful you've created...when i was 22, toyomoto built me a turbo charged girl...she is still with me today and i still love her...i like drinking out of bottles, i don't know why...while all of you were getting trashed at the hottest clubs , i was at home doing famous math, i'm so close to solving the problem...i scrub my grout obsessively with a toothbrush and bleach, don't laugh it's a disease...laugh bitch, i'm the comedian with nothing funny to say...no one helped me get here, i built this shit myself...there's no light at the end of the tunnel, just another bridge I gotta burn...keep writing your book the way you were taught and i promise it will end like all the others...never forget the hand that pulled you from the flames...I never claimed to be an expert on heartbreak, I was only a product of the worst one...