today we salute you Mr. bumper sticker writer (Mr. bumper sticker writer) never has one man written so much for so many. without you the world may never have known "you can't hug with nuclear arms." (I need a hug now!) and just like you, I, too, would rather be fishing, or square-dancing, or even shopping (ooh yea) I owe, I owe, so off to work I go. you said it brother (you speak the truth) so crack open an ice cold bud light oh bard of the bumper, thanks to you I know it's perfectly alright to honk if I'm horny. (honk honk beep honk)
Today we salute you Mr. 80 SPF Sunblock Wearer (Mr. 80 SPF Sunblock Wearer) There are 24 hours in a day, you're wearing 80 hour protection. If the Sun fails to go down, you'll be ready (Don't forget the moonlight) Your coconut scented force-field blocks out all the suns rays, and any stray rays from another sun, in another galaxy (You're a STAR!!) 30 SPF? Please.. You might as well be wearing cooking oil (Something smells delicious) So crack open an ice cold Bud Light Mr. 80 SPF Sunblock Wearer In fact, feel free to crack one open at high noon, in the middle of the Sahara desert (Mr. 80 SPF Sunblock Wearer)
Hiding behind the shadows I'll be waiting in the dark to drive this blade straight through your heart I'll drag your body to the car as blood races down my arm I think everyone will wonder where you are, tonightI'll hide you in my walls your body will never be found I'll wear your skin as a suit Pretend to be you, your friends will like you more than they used toDear diary my teen angst bullshit has a body count I believe it's 6 going on 7 nowI've been dreaming about you in a pool of your own blood with your eyes gouged out by the work of my thumbs the scent of your insides from under the floorboards the perfect perfume for settling a score.I'll hide you in my walls your body will never be found I'll wear your skin as a suit Pretend to be you, your friends will like you more than they used to Pretend to be you, your friends will like you more than they used totoday we salute you, mr. foot long hot dog inventor (mr. foot long hot dog inventor) when conventional wisdom said no one could make a hot dog longer than six inches, you dared to dream (dared to dream) you knew the limitations of a regular sized hot dog bun, and you ignored them (can't stop me now) you made a ten inch weiner, and people cheered (oh!) but you weren't satisfied. you said, "wait, i think i can still give you two more inches." (gotta want it) and so the foot long was born. so crack open an ice cold bud light mr. hot dog hero, because you gave every one of us our fondest wish: a bigger weiner. (thank you thank you thank you!)
today we salute you, mr. chinese food delivery guy (mr. chinese food delivery guy) without you, we'd be forced to do the unthinkable when we wanted chinese: drive to a restaurant (moo shoo gai pan) but you, sir, bring it to us in under twenty (ride like the wind) armed with your rickety bike, you battle traffic, bad weather, and the occasional busted elevator. and why do you do it? because somewhere some guy is waiting for his kung pow crab puffs, and he's got a dollar fifty seven with your name on it (that's ten percent) so crack open an ice cold bud light oh mercenary of the mandarin chicken, and know that when america is looking for a man to get the job done, you do deliver. (you do deliver)
Today we salute you, Mr. Wedding Band Guitar Player. (Mr. Wedding Band Guitar Player) Any guitar player can rock a packed stadium but it takes real talent to keep the Wishinski reception going all night long. (Mazal Tov) Perched on the stage in your undersized tuxedo, you tirelessly churn out tunes from the 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's. (Keep on rockin') Sound check? You don't need no stinking sound check. (No!) And even though you've never had groupies, you have bagged the occasional bridesmaid. (Never forget you!) So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, guitar guy, because every wedding you go to, you're the real best man. (Mr. Wedding Band Guitar Player)
Today we salute you Mr. Edible Underwear Maker (Mr. Edible Underwear Maker) Your true genius combined two of mans favorite things Panties and Food (I can taste it now) They're a snack, they're underwear, they're a snack AND underwear. Brilliant. (Two treats in one) Gorgeous Grape, Rock My World Rasberry, Bodacious Banana (Twenty Six Flavors) And nothing says, "I want you" like a mouthful of underpants (Iwaanchoo mmbabyf) So crack open an ice cold BUd Light Mr. Edible Underwear Maker Because thanks to you, when it comes to panties, extra large means extra yummy (yummy, yummy, yummy)
kurt cobaintoday we salute you Mr.. bowling shoe giver outer (Mr.. bowling shoe giver outer) your tireless efforts keep our shoes comfy and sanitized with mountain freshness (mountain freshness!) instinctively, you match left shoe with right (left right left right) carefully placing each pair in it's own tiny shoe house (check the number on the back) one wrong move, and we're on the fast train to blisterville (ooh yea!) is he a nine and a half, or a ten? (woh, yea) you know. why? because you're Mr.. bowling shoe giver outer (we couldn't bowl without you) so crack open an ice cold bud light mister, and know it's no accident that those shoes are red, white, and blue. (no we couldn't bowl without you)