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I never laid a hand on those fucking kids! I'm Hollywood royalty. I was born Lucille LeSueur in San Antonio, Texas in 1904. So I'm actually 104 although MySpace only goes up to 100. Whatever. After winning a Charleston contest, I joined the chorus line of a Broadway show in New York, where I was spotted by an MGM talent scout and signed to a film contract. The studio changed my name to Joan Crawford as the result of a publicity contest. Then I basically just clawed my way to the top. I was the quintessential movie star. I lived movies, ate movies, and drank movies. Being a movie star was Joan Crawford’s life, and that was it. Nothing else mattered. I've been married four times. I started adopting kids in order to work it and gain sympathy from the public when my career started going to shit. Christina, Christopher and the twins, Cindy & Cathy. My daughter Christina is a dirty goddamn liar and a player hater. I'm an Oscar winner. I decided that if I got it [the Oscar] I would feel goddamn sure that I deserved it, not for just that one film, but for some other damned fine performances I'd given. Whether the Academy voters were giving it to me, sentimentally, for Mildred or for 200 years of effort, the hell with it. I deserved it! I have acute obsessive/compulsive disorder, especially when it comes to keeping CLEAN. Maybe I've always been a nut when it comes to cleanliness. When I was a kid I'd scrub the hell out of the rooming houses and crummy apartments my mother and her husbands lived in...and even after I had the money to hire an army of housekeepers and maids I ended up doing the cleaning myself because they never got things really clean. It's just part of being civilized, that's all. And I'm not about to apologize for it. I always scrub the bathroom myself before using it. I once hired a workman to install a new toilet and then the idiot went and used it, so I had to have the plumbing torn out and replaced immediately! Fucking bastard--like where the hell does HE get off using MY toilet?! I never smoke a cigarette unless I open the pack myself, and I never use another cigarette out of the pack if someone else has touched it. I wear gloves whenever I leave the house because I can't deal with germs getting on my hands. I may be a little bit self-obsessed and psychotic, but I'm and Oscar winner AND one of the most beautiful fucking broads who ever lived...EVER, if I do say so myself goddamn it!