My name is Yeshua or if you're a Muslim it's Isa, or if you're one of those illiterate western Christians you can call me Jesus. I am King of the Jews, from the tribe of Judah. Descended from David and Ibrahim and rightful King of Jerusalem. All that shit about divinity and God incarnate and the second coming, all hogwash spread by those douche-bags Peter, Luke, Mark, Matthew and the gang. I'm just a regular guy with royal blood. I grew up in Nazareth mostly, although I was born in Bethlehem. (at least they got that part right) I spent a lot of my childhood travelling around, Sidon, Tyre, even Egypt. I had 4 half brothers and two half sisters, they're all dead now. My dad was Joseph, he was a building contractor, mostly residential, but some commercial construction as well. He made decent money. Yadda Yadda.
My mom was Mary, she was raised by rabbis, but the old Jews kicked her out when she had her first period. Those bastards. She came to live with my dad when she was like 12. He was already elderly so you can just imagine what the neighbors thought when she popped out a kid.
Either way, I don't know who knocked her up, but I assume it was my dad. Back in those days they didn't have health class, or any kind of class for that matter. Mostly just religious dogma and goat milking. Anyway, back in the day, everybody seemed to think my mom was a virgin. Come on now, a young attractive woman living with a handsome rich older guy in a house with seven kids? I guess the idea that a virgin could bear a child seemed like a cool idea at the time, and apparently there are still a bunch of you out there who believe it too. Modern science can isolate and explode an atom, send people to the moon, clone livestock, and even put fish D.N.A in a fucking tomato, and you people still worship ghosts, goblins and virgin mothers. Get over it, pick up a book, and NOT the "good" one. That was written by a bunch of sellouts and drug crazed power trippers who didn't know me from Adam. But, I digress. Anyway, my old man died, then my mom died, followed by pretty much everybody else. Sun rise, Sun set, you know the routine. Except for me, and a few other lucky ones, you know who you are. As you all have heard through the grapevine, I was sorta rebellious as a young man. I pissed off a lot of old Jews and eventually came to be quite hated by the Roman Church. They charged me with sedition and heresy and then the old cunt Pontius Pilate decided he would rather nail me to a wooden post than give me a fair trial. They did that a lot back in the day. Fucking crazy Romans. But, I gave them the ol' switcheroo. A few years before I was convicted, I happened to meet some pretty chill people. They were a different kind of Jew, actually they were just different all around.
There was a bunch of these guys who didn't follow the religious rules or conventional thinking at all. Later they came to be known as Gnostics or Essenes or just plain heretics, and most of them were chased underground. Which is okay, because that's where they preferred to hang out. Anyway, don't believe that bullshit they tell you in the new testament. Peter, Paul, Matthew and Luke were not my friends, I didn't even know most of them. Judas and me were actually pretty close for a time, but that's beside the point. My only real friends were Mary Magdalene, her brother Lazarus and these guys the Essenes. They were the ones that helped me escape from that stupid cave and just in time, I might add. I was just about dead, when they came and saved my ass. Thank you guys, you know who you are.
After a few days bleeding to death in that fucking cave I wasn't really in the mood for traveling, but I sure as hell didn't want to stick around that shit-hole. So Mary, Lazarus and I headed to southern France where I finally got to meet her family. They were kinda nuts, but they had some good connections. Anyway, one of Mary's cousins was some kind of french alchemist or some shit who hooked me up with some sort of elixir of life. That stuff tastes like shit, but it has kept me alive for quite awhile. So I lived with the Cathars in southern France for a couple hundred years. Mary and I had a few dozen kids, and after a few years of avoiding those fucking Templar Knights, the creepy Priory of Sion, two inquisitions, and several religious wars, I finally made my way to America. I lived in New York, Minneapolis, Tulsa, San Diego, Houston, New Orleans, Albuquerque, Phoenix, and shit, pretty much everywhere else. I took a few courses at Devry and got an Associates in English, then I moved to Kansas to live with my girlfriend who owns a doughnut shop....I love doughnuts.
Wichita is where I am currently living. Nowadays I spend most of my time kicking it with homies playing warcraft and guitar hero. I also spend a lot of time with different various cripples and bums and dope fiends, they make me feel like I'm home again. I don't really talk to the old gang much anymore, they spend most of their time meditating and transcending the material realm. I have made friends with a couple of vampires though. Those guys are strange, and they seem to be a little afraid of me.
That's about it for me. As I said, I'm just a regular immortal guy, chemically immortal, NOT divinely immortal.
I drink lots of wine, and smoke lots of reefer. I play video games and watch old horror flicks and John Waters movies. I really love the Dixie Chicks.
God bless your big beautiful hearts.
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